Walk on the wild side

Hello Marc,

Is it ok for a girl to entertain "wild" thoughts (i.e., doing "it" with somebody that turns you on)? Is this ok/healthy/normal? Or is this a sin? I need help. Thanks, -- GIRL, INTERRUPTED

Girl Interrupted! Where have you been all my life!! Haha. Just kidding, but don’t worry. The thoughts that are burning a white-hot-trail across your mind and libido are quite normal for a girl. It’s just that girls are often a lot less inclined to admit to them. Society is just like that.

For instance, if you had written in the exact same question as a guy, I probably wouldn’t have even bothered answering it. The reason? The answer is way too obvious to everyone. We all know that young healthy guys often fantasize about all sorts of things involving the opposite sex, a bed (not always), and very little clothing (could possibly also include some baby oil and a game of Twister -- but we’ll talk about that some other time). Hey, it’s normal, right? Society has stereotyped men as having stronger sexual urges than women, and therefore it is more acceptable for a guy to voice his thoughts, especially when among other men. It’s just written off as guys wanting to sow their wild oats, right?

However women, and particularly those in a relatively conservative society as the Philippines, are stereotyped in quite the opposite way. They are meant to be prim and proper, with very low sexual urges and impulses. Any girl who thinks, and in particular talks otherwise, is often labeled a tart. A girl who talks about sex and is no longer pure is cheap, while a guy who says and does a lot more is a stud.

This is a gross double standard and is completely unfair. Thankfully opinions nowadays are slowly becoming slightly more liberal. People are beginning to realize that women have almost the same level of sexual desire as men. Research supports this view (how do I sign up for that study group?!?), and these stereotypes are gradually losing popularity.

Now don’t get me wrong, just because it is perfectly normal to have these wild fantasies, doesn’t mean you should give yourself free rein to act on them! It’s one thing to think about jumping a guy and yelling "take me, I’m yours!" and completely another to actually try and do it in real life. Apart from the pure and unadulterated embarrassment you would feel if he says no, it could also be detrimental to your health, reputation and psyche.

Psychologically, you need to make sure that you differentiate physical attraction from emotional attraction. This guy you fantasize about, do you just want his body? Or do you want a relationship? If you want a relationship, then this might not be the best way to go about things. If you did sleep with him then there is a possibility that your emotional attachment would get stronger, while to him it’s still a playful roll in the hay.

As much as society is adjusting its views, there is still a long way to go, and therefore, any overly forward advances made by a girl are sometimes frowned upon in public (although personally I’m all for a girl speaking her mind). Like I said, this may not be fair, but just be wary of criticism from some sectors.

As for the health issues, you always need to be aware of certain diseases, etc. that can be transmitted via bodily fluids. When in doubt, it’s always best to be safe, not only for that, but also to ward off any unexpected extra family members nine months down the track.

So, what you’re going through is not at all weird, and it’s perfectly normal to have these thoughts. Whether or not you act on them is entirely up to you, and not necessarily condoned by me in any sense. Just make sure you remember the psyche, reputation and health concerns. Only you can make the decision on whether or not you’re ready to make that jump.

By the way, if you decide to safely keep your wild thoughts in the realms of fantasy only, please feel free to share the juicy details of these thoughts. You know my e-mail address.

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Wrong distance courtship?

Dear Marc,

Hey!! Nice to hear you have your own column already... please give me this opportunity to share my problem with you in the hope that you could give me some advice. I have this suitor, who is working abroad right now. We’ve been friends for two years.

It’s just now that he was able to gather the guts to say he wants to court me, so he is actually courting me, through text and international calls. He wasn’t able to open up to me before because he knew I was involved with somebody then. Now that he is there working abroad he would text through IM, and call me via international calls. I am flattered with these gestures and this is why I am giving him a chance. I’ve known him for a couple of years so I know he is a good guy. We’ve gone out twice and I have discovered he is a perfect gentleman. But don’t you think it’s a little bit weird that I am being courted long distance? He’s coming home after four months or so. There is an assurance he will be back here to renew his contract. Please shed some light on this... thanks so much!! -- Jane

To be completely honest, I don’t really see what the problem is. Sounds like he has liked you for a while and did the correct thing of waiting until you were single. You said that you’ve been out with him in the past and found him to be a cool guy and a proper gentleman. You’ve obviously known him long enough to know if he is serious about this etc., and lastly, he wouldn’t be spending a big chunk of his hard-earned money to call and text you if he wasn’t serious about you.

"Ah!" I hear you say, "but he’s so far, and how can he court me properly from another country?" Quite simply put, he’s doing it already, and the mode he’s employing (text and calls) is much the same as those used nowadays for flirting/courting anyway. Even if you only live 15 minutes away. More and more people are using their cellphone as a courtship and seduction tool. Whereas in the past, people would get a landline number, make an appointment to call at such and such a time, and then meet in person so that the "getting to know each other" conversation could start in earnest. Now, however, if you like someone, you get their cell number, and start the getting to know you process through text. It’s often much the same things you’d talk about in person, but this way you have more time to think about things before you respond. Also, if you’re not sure about a person’s reaction to a certain question etc., you can always soften it with a well-placed smiley face ;-).

This way, when you do actually meet in person, you feel like you’ve gotten to know each other a little better and can avoid some of that initial nervousness and the dreaded "How do I know if he/she really likes me??" Most of this will have been covered in the text chats prior to this. Admittedly, you will eventually have to meet and go through the romantic dinners, meeting the friends and family, going for coffee, etc. With people’s hectic schedules nowadays, this could be some time before you’re both free and in the same area at the same time.

Surprise, surprise, what do you know? It just so happens that your long distance Prince Charming is coming home for the holidays. How convenient. You’ve been going through the initial text (and call) courtship, and now it’s time to remember all those responses that he hastily thumbed to you over the phone. "He misses his family, likes sinigang, prefers billiards over basketball and -- he really wants to see me!!!" Now you can spend your time graduating to the next level and going out with him, introducing him around, maybe cook his favorite dish when he comes to visit you and your parents, or beat him at a game of billiards (always a true test of a man’s manners and opinion of himself).

So, in short – it’s not weird and it’s not a problem. He will be coming back for good eventually, and in the meantime, enjoy your time together and settle for a long distance relationship with a great guy rather than a localized relationship with a loser. Think of it this way- at least you’re unlikely to get bored of each other if you only see him twice a year!

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What friends are for

Dear Marc,

I’m JP from QC. I have a friend who used to be very rich, and everybody was making friends with her. Her father was a businessman in a textile company when suddenly his company started to have financial trouble. Obviously, their lifestyle changed and all her friends started avoiding her. She used to wear elegant and expensive clothes, and used to buy what she wanted. Now she no longer can. She seems very depressed and I’m afraid that she might commit suicide or some criminal act but I hope not. What should I do? She does not want to talk to me anymore. -- JP

From the sound of things, your friend is having some difficulty dealing with her new set of financial circumstances. This is understandable, as people tend to get used to a certain lifestyle, and are often not adaptable enough to adjust if things change for the worse. It is one thing for someone to come from humble beginnings, work hard, become rich, and then lose it all in one day. They at least know how it feels to start from scratch, and are (hopefully) still aware of their hardworking and budget constrained roots. However, if your friend was born rich, then there is a chance that she did not learn the real value of money, but rather spent it on the assumption that there would be a never ending supply from her parents. I’m guessing that your friend never had a part-time job or anything that earned her her own savings? If she had, then perhaps she would have been a bit more careful with how she spent it. I know that I tended to be a lot more kuripot once my allowance was cut off and I got a part time job. One of the best things that ever happened to me, really. Instead of looking at purchases as "wants," you look at them as "needs." I want those new shoes, but do I really need them? If the price of those shoes translates to 20 hours of waiting tables, you’ll soon start adjusting priorities.

So your friend can no longer afford to buy the expensive dresses she likes. This is not the end of the world, and in a way it almost sounds like a good thing. Up until now she has been living in a sheltered and privileged environment, and by the sound of it, has become somewhat spoiled. Not only that, but her recent circle of friends has been attracted to her for her wealth and status, not who she really is. This is a fairly shallow depth of companionship as can be evidenced by the fact that they have all deserted her now that she is no longer rich. In all honesty, she’s better off without them.

Now is a pretty crucial time though. She is vulnerable and depressed, and as you say, there is always a chance that she may do something illegal or dangerous out of desperation. What she needs more than money and fancy dresses at this time are real friends. Family is usually a good support group, but in this instance, it is likely that they are having trouble coming to terms with their situation themselves.

In other words, it’s up to you and other friends like you who have always seen beyond the money aspect of your friend’s personality. Comfort her and tell her that things will be OK and she just needs to adjust. Explain that true friendship is not bought, and that you like her even better without the flashy clothes. Show her that you can enjoy yourself on a budget. It doesn’t matter how much you spend but rather who you are with.

Be prepared for her to be apprehensive, or maybe even a bit hostile at first due to her depression. All she needs is some patience, understanding, care and attention. At the moment, what she wants is money, but what she needs is real friendship. Marc

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Send questions to question_marc@hotmail.com.