Summer Summit

Are you in heat?" or are you now suffering from "ang heat", este "anghit"? Well, the temperature in the Court soared to super-init and not surprisingly melted away Argee’s and Honey’s cool caps from their tops. Expect your magistrate’s tempers to automatically turn thermonuclear. Argee’s cool has been cooked crisp and cracks at the slightest sight of anyone he sees wearing a jacket at high noon while Honey has been baking — some bother for those who still frown at the idea of living in the nude — at least, in summer.

Blame it on the weather. With temperatures rising to a scalding 40 degrees Celsius, global warming in these parts of the planet has acquired a new meaning in the Philippines as Pinoys get to roast themselves in a tropical oven for the Third World. Wherever we go, we seem to be sauna-bathing in sweat and grime. After all, at no other point in recent memory have we experienced this maddening heat and humidity that drives many crazy.

More and more people are mindful of the scathing sun, protecting themselves with parasols and Ray Bans. Block and White and other skin-care/skin-whitening products never witnessed the briskest sales ever until recently. Worse, less and less are taking the supposedly healthy UV balm of Vitamin E ("E" for Eeeneeet!!!) and are avoiding sunlight as though it were a plague. There’s an outbreak of pigsa and a rash of prickly heat — pun intended — which fuel the anti-solar hysteria and hyped humidity, prompting the paranoid to be ridiculously conscious of developing skin cancer.

Indeed, the sweltering summer torridity is killing the fun out of summer and the Court of Last Retort is compelled to take the law into its own hands.

In an emergency, en banc session of the Court, Argee and Honey debated under a pound of perspiration whether or not to usurp executive and legislative functions in decreeing remedial measures to crush the revolting heat which has sown so much discontent among the populace. In a bout of init ng ulo, the Court has issued an extraordinary writ of mandamus and made the following orders and pronouncements:

• Napocor

The Napocor is hereby ordered to rationalize the Purchase Power Agreements considering its claims that the PPA has only caused the under-utilization of the country’s power-generating capacities. If Napocor’s claims that it has excess and unutilized megawatts at its disposal, it should optimize the use of the same by operating a mega airconditioner that could blow a blizzard to all of the country’s hotspots, free of charge. After all, we already paid for the electricity we haven’t used. Or, in the alternative, expenditures by reason of aircon usage should be charged to the entire amount of the PPA appearing on our monthly electric bills.

• The Department Of Labor and Employment.

DOLE is hereby ordered to issue a circular to all employers to relax, modify and even do away with the company dress code. From now on, men need not wear long-sleeves and tie and/or wool/cotton-wool pants and may report for duty in T-shirts and bermuda shorts. Women employees should no longer be compelled to wear blazers or overcoats in the workplace and instead be encouraged to wear mini-shirts and sleeveless, backless blouses. More skin is most in!!!

• Department Of Foreign Affairs

The DFA is hereby instructed to study the beneficial effects of federalism in the country and to seriously evaluate its implications on our weather. The Court sees it fit for the Philippines to acquire the status of becoming a federal state of Siberia or a province of Antartica. Moreover, the DFA should also draw up a blueprint for the construction of a giant pipeline which shall be used to transmit frozen air to be pumped from either Siberia or Antartica.

• Department Of Education

The Education Secretary is hereby enjoined to punish principals or teachers in public schools who hold their classes under a mango tree. Further, new classes to be built must install airconditioning units.

• Congress

Congress is hereby ordered to explore the possibility of passing a law expropriating privately-owned swimming pools during summer and opening the same for public use. Moreover, Congress must allocate a budget for cleaning up and de-polluting the Pasig River so that Filipinos could cool down for free by taking a dip without their flesh getting peeled away by toxic substances.

• Department Of Tourism

Dick Gordon should draft a plan granting travel subsidies or tax incentives for city slickers who hie off to Baguio or Tagaytay in order to encourage more local tourists to flock to our summer capitals without having to spend their dollars vacationing in cold climate countries in Europe or in North America.

• Land Transportation And Franchise Regulation Board

The LTFRB is hereby commanded to refrain from awarding franchises to bus and jeepney operators who do not install air-cooling systems in their vehicles. Moreover, the LTFRB must coordinate with the MMDA in a campaign against jeepney drivers who ply their routes without taking a bath and without applying deodorant.

• President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo

The President of the Republic must order all ice plants to open for public use and patronage their ice-making facilities. Particularly, ice plants must build an ice clinic where walk-in patients who have just suffered from a heat stroke can lie on a block of ice.

• Department Of Trade And Industry

The DTI must initiate a no-sweat livelihood program for those affected by the summer heat. Suggested courses: Paper-fan making, Tawas-processing, Aircon repairs and maintenance. Lastly, and at the risk of incurring the ire of anti-globalization nationalists, the DTI should consider lowering any tariffs for ice-producing machines and allow unimpeded access of northern cold winds into our jurisdiction.

• Philippine Air Force

Instead of being known as an air farce or as a fleet of flying coffins, the country’s Air Force must be reconditioned for civilian development projects. So instead of dropping bombs at so-called rebel lairs and causing mayhem among the civilian populace, it can do well in seeding the clouds for the much-needed rainfall especially with expected drought threatening the agricultural sector with devastation.

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Top Ten Signs That Summer Has Become Unbearably Hot

1. You take a sauna bath by going to your living room naked.

2. You’ve suddenly developed a fondness for wearing that hole-peppered sando hand-me-down your father bequeathed to you ten years ago. And this goes for you too, gurrrl!

3. You take a shower ten times a day.

4. For guys, you fantasize about going to the office wearing necktie and brief only. For gals, you intentionally go about your daily duties bra-less and without your undies.

5. There’s a surplus of tawas in the market.

6. You mistake your melting clear-stick deodorant for hair gel.

7. It takes a millisecond longer to extricate your cheek whenever you make beso-beso.

8. You feel pan-fried by your boyfriend’s or girlfriend’s armpit every time he/she hangs his/her arm on your shoulder.

9. You’re immune to the smell of body odor.

10. You try to squeeze yourself to sleep inside your refrigerator.