The itch to bitch

You can’t avoid her. Whether you’re in high school, college, at work, in a community, or in a nursing home, there will always be that one cold-hearted bitch that you can’t stand. Her vile comments always make you want to strangle her. She raises an eyebrow and you automatically wish you had an apple to shove down her throat before she makes that mean remark. She’s an expert in conjuring low blows that are disguised as mere observations. If she’s really bad, she’ll even dress up the comment as a compliment.

Yes, we all hate bitches as much as we abhor the peso going down. Hanging out with them is as much fun as walking on broken glass. That always makes me wonder why most bitches I know actually have friends.

Most guys can be pretty bitchy, but only a girl can be a total bitch. When guys make their mean comments, it’s usually just for their amusement. Guys usually laugh it off. Girls add so much more to being a bitch. A bitch sees something she doesn’t like, then makes a witty yet sharp remark that is not only comical, but also definitely hits the spot. Bitches can be downright evil.

But whether we admit it or not, there’s a tiny little bitch in all of us—even guys! We all have our problems of trying to keep our mouths shut when we see something horribly funny. When we finally give in and make that nasty comment, we actually enjoy it! We all think, "Oh no, what about karma?" but once that first statement is said, we can’t stop.

That’s probably why The Blair Bitch Project is so popular. This book of bitchy poetry was written by Chinie Hidalgo, who is (supposedly) a "nice, optimistic sweetie," nothing like the Blair Bitch character. One glance at the cover, which was illustrated by Mitzi Mapa, and you’ll know this book will definitely be bitchy. A girl in a black turtleneck and a bored, cynical expression? Blair Bitch alert!

I received the book for Christmas, along with its sequel, The Blair Bitch Returns. Being a "nice, optimistic sweetie" myself, I read all the poems carefully and ended up laughing at each page. Seeing the illustrations, which were by Krie Reyes-Lopez, helped me visualize the situation and made me laugh harder. I couldn’t believe how much I could relate with to the Blair Bitch. I loved the poem "Where Exactly Did You Learn Your English?" as my pet peeve is listening to bad English.

Here’s an excerpt.

I have a tiny question
I don’t mean to wreck the mood
But has no one ever told you
That your English is quite screwed?
It bothered me a bit, you see,
In fact, it lost me slumber
When I left the meeting and you said
You didn’t got my number.
I also kept my silence
I tried hard as I could
When you picked me up for our first date
And told me "You looks good!"...
So I’m sorry if I must decline
I’m sorry I’m a bitch
But before you ask me out again
Do something ’bout your "spitch."

Of course, some of the poems made me feel like they were somewhat directed to me — like "You Look Good, but Bigger Than My House" because I’m kind of weight conscious (who isn’t?) and "Excuse Me, You’re Frothing" because I find it hard to speak with my retainers on. But I don’t take the poems too seriously because I know they’re mostly just for fun. Other titles I liked were "I Think Your Kid’s a Fag," "Liar," and "You Look Funny When You Cry."

The second book doesn’t lack the spirit of the Blair Bitch. As a stanza in the introduction says:

I’m quite amazed my first release
Sold well...I felt quite great!
AHA! You see??? You covert bitch!
I knew you would relate!

Relate, I did! My favorites in this book were "Ever Heard of Tweezers?" (even though I realized I don’t have perfectly-shaped eyebrows), "Nouveau Rich Bitch," "Well, That’s a Hideous Gift!" and "What’s with the Accent?" It’s funny that after reading the poems, you automatically think of people who you should dedicate the poem to. I thought I could send copies of "What’s with the Accent?" to tons of people who think they can speak like a redneck or a homie from the ghetto.

Don’t think these two books are just chockfull of totally spiteful poems written by a malevolent poetess who can’t write anything else but insults! No way. The poems were obviously written by an intelligent, expressive person. Read the poems out loud and you’ll realize that they’re even, flowing poems. There are words like "hiatus," "fabrications," "diatribe" and "putrid" in some of her poems. Come on, an evil cretin wouldn’t be able to think of those words.

I admit, even I can be bitchy, especially during those certain times of the month (aha, another reason why only girls can be totally bitches!), and so I loved these books! If you have them, bring them everywhere! Girls will love reading them and guys will get a kick out of it. Even adults won’t be able to resist chuckling and thinking about someone when they hear a poem.

When reading, make sure you read it from cover to cover. Both books are incredibly entertaining. From the overview to the poems to the information about the poetess, illustrator and cover designer, you’ll definitely put down the book with a big grin and a lighter feeling. Yes, you’ll definitely feel lighter once you’ve released all that laughter and wisecracks from your system. Maybe you’ll even feel inspired to write your own Blair Bitch poetry afterwards!

So if you think you don’t want this book because you don’t want to be a meanie, I urge you to change your mind. All the poems are just for fun, as the poetess always says in her introductions. In her second book, she declares:

So now you have my second book
Take note, my claim’s the same...
I’m really nice inside, it’s true!
This bitching’s just a game.
So just enjoy the book, my friends...
The poems are rather funny.
If you dont like them, well...too bad!
I won’t return your money.

Spoken like a true...uh... "nice, optimistic sweetie." Hehe.