Santa Claus

Over the past few days, your magistrates’ chambers have been swarmed by hundreds of anxious litigants armed with jingle bells whose petitions for Pamasko have remained pending before the Court of Last Retort since December of last year. It seems that they have received unverified reports from CNN (Christmas News Network) that Attys. Argee Guevarra and Honey Oliveros issued an order to the Bureau of Immigration to immediately release to the court’s custody a person by the name of Santa Claus who was apprehended at the airport for trying to sneak into the country tons of contraband items on board a sleigh.

Argee and Honey were, however, relieved upon seeing that the character thought of to be Santa Claus was one laughable impostor – he turned out to be a bearded Afghan merchant fleeing to these parts on a fake passport and forged visa. Apparently, he was arrested at the airport by alert security officers after he aroused suspicion by stepping out of the jetliner with a donkey which dragged a sleigh stacked with wooden crates. Upon inspection, his cargo yielded an arms cache consisting of unexploded "smart bombs" which he sought to sell in Bocaue in time for the New Year’s Eve revelry and thus, make a killing for himself at the expense of those stupid enough to from him.

The Court was shocked by this development and became apprehensive of the safety, security and overall well-being of the real Santa Claus who earlier promised to visit the country to distribute his yuletide goodies. Worried sick that something bad had happened to the Bearded One, and hoping to receive their share of the Season’s Blessings, Argee and Honey tipped off Santa Claus to grant the attorneys a lively conversation through a secured Internet chat room.

The powwow went something like this:

Young Star: Kumusta na ho kayo, Santa?

Santa Claus: Ho, ho, ho din sa inyo from the land of snow.

Santa, people are asking us whether you will swing by the Philippines this season.

Ho, ho, ho – oh, no! I am deleting the Philippines from my must-visit list.

Bakit naman ho?

Ho, ho, ho hobvious ba? It’s dangerous to travel to your country especially at this time of year. I sent my top aide, Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer to scout for a landing site in southern Philippines three months ago and look what happened?

Ano ho ang nangyari?

Haven’t you heard? He was kidnapped by the Abu Sayyaf which demanded a P100-million ransom from me!

So did you pay the ransom?

Yes. I paid the ransom, all right. And they still demanded more from me in kind!

Like?

Ho, ho, ho (weep). They asked for a sleigh-full of Ginebra San Miguel and a life time supply of powdered pomelo juice drink which was delivered to them by Rudolph’s wife, Jane Doe.

And then?

Ho, ho, ho (weep, weep). They still delayed the release of Rudolph. In fact they lopped off Rudolph’s red nose, fried it a la tapang usa and feasted on it over countless shots of gin pomelo. It was only then that Rudolph was allowed to escape.

You should’ve sought help from our government.

Ho, ho, ho. I did but some G-men wanted a commission.

You mean one of those fancy and useless commissions the government sets up every now and then to solve the people’s problems?

Ho, ho, ho – no. I think that your government calls for a summit to address those things. What I meant was commission as in fat commission – like 50 percent of the amount of ransom.

Oh, we get it. But still we feel that you ought to pay our country a visit.

Ho, ho, ho. But I already did. In cash and kind, remember?