THE CONFORMITY OF NON-FORMITY

I’m daring to be different from the rest of the flock.

I’m a proud advocate of the vanguard lifestyle.

Be it the way I dress, the hobbies I involve myself in, the job I keep, the people I look up to, even the very core belief system I hold sacred…nothing about me is conventional. My general outlook in life is highly dictated by the concept of non-conformity. I have this reputation for liking all things unusual.

Sounding cutting-edge? Maybe half a century ago.

Instead of being ahead of the pack, I find myself lost somewhere in the middle of an astoundingly large troop hungry for the exact same goal. To stand out. To make a mark. To be a vanguard.

But what’s so "vanguard-ish" about wanting to be such if every other person out there is gunning for the same thing? Wouldn’t that be more of a "mainstream" notion? Has the clear line separating theses two opposing ideas been erased for good?

Has vanguard become synonymous with mainstream?

Heaven forbid.

I’d like to defend the vanguard spirit on account of the sheer misconception of its virtue. I, myself, have been fumbling about with the wrong definition for quite a while, much to my embarrassment. I, like many others out there, was guilty of creating a vanguard image instead of living out its very essence.

Case in point: I whipped out my Shimoli CD. Later on, everyone was grooving to her great voice. "Wow!" I thought to myself, "Are these people actually learning to appreciate new sound?" I was proud of myself for a second there…until someone blurted, "Shimoli sounds an awful lot like Jennifer Love Hewitt."

I was upset, ultimately stunned, and frustrated. No way was I going to admit to liking music as cheesy and teeny-boppery as that of the seemingly sexy, breast-enlarged, poor excuse of an actress-gone-singer Jennifer Love Hewitt! (Plus she’s on my hate list more than ever now that she’s decided to win the heart of Enrique Iglesias. Life truly isn’t fair sometimes.)

Later on, I closed my eyes and finally started to listen. Really listen. Good God. Her voice was exactly like Jennifer Love Hewitt’s. Run-of-the-mill, definitely "bleh", mainstream Jennifer Love Hewitt.

Why was it so hard for me to accept that simple fact? Maybe it was because I hated being wrong. I was, um, stubborn.

At present, I am meant to be crystal clear on what I want out of life, what I am meant to believe, and who I am meant to be. But certain eye-opening experiences—no matter how trivial—help in the rude awakening I had ever experienced. My seemingly stable life’s definition was challenged, picked at, belittled, reassessed.

I found myself guilty. Guilty of building my whole world around a false conceptual construct of what it took to be different. To be ahead. To be a vanguard. I was so focused on keeping up with the appearance of being distinctive—having oddball likes, dressing opposite the norm, liking weird movies, books and music—just to be able to show mankind that I would gladly march to the beat of a way different drum.

So here is the result of my quest to correctly define and come to terms with what the word vanguard means.

First off, I got rid of the notion that vanguard is solely dictated by outward appearances. Unsuspecting ignorami (much like myself) can easily be fooled by a flamboyantly unique outfit, an outlandish haircut, a seemingly knowledgeable and outspoken person (a.k.a. opinionated wise-ass), a show of magnetism (when true charisma is experienced naturally). A true vanguard works from within—and whatever exterior results from it, eccentric or not, is a true expression of self.

Second, I scrapped the idea of putting mainstream in a totally different realm from vanguard. Although they are oftentimes found on opposite ends of the general taste spectrum, it tends to be taken for granted that—many times—their paths more than cross one another.

Take aspiring young politicians out there, for instance. On one hand, it can be considered very "mainstream" to want popularity, fame, and power. Why? Because these wishes tend to exist in everyone—it really all depends on the way they play their cads. In a world filled with greed and corruption, it would be a very "vanguard" notion to want to be a politician because of the honest-to-goodness quest for a better society…on account of the will to go against the political gradient.

Complex? Not really. It’s a simple definition of terms…and knowing yourself and what you want.

Which brings about the final point to carrying the vanguard torch close to the heart: Just be true to yourself. A vanguard is one who never has to explain anything to anyone. A vanguard is someone who is secure enough in what he or she is to admit to being attracted to the same sex, or liking silly boy bands no matter how "mainstream" people dictate them to be. Mainstream only becomes a negative connotation when someone tends to "go with the flow" on account of not having a personal opinion.

A true vanguard does not endeavor to be one. He just is.

It feels so much better to be certain about our convictions, and honestly march to the beat of our own drum…different or not. As for me, I don’t do something just because it seems to be cool, but because it is…according to me and me alone. That’s pretty cool, I think.