What kind of sexual appetite must I have to abide by my Church's anti-RH stand?

Image from Winners Delhi News

1.       I must be content with just four days a month of safe sex with my husband. (See footnote below for computation)*

2.       On top of having just four precious days, I should accurately predict these days to be the 22nd, 23rd, 24th and 25th days of my menstrual cycle. (Again, see footnote below for computation and be challenged.)*

3.       I should bear in mind that implementing No. 2 is not necessarily marking the 22nd, 23rd, 24th and 25th of the month in my calendar because my cycle is not 31 days in January, 28 days in February (or 29 days during leap year), 31 days in March, 30 days in April, and so on. And did I say my cycle is not regular? Heck, I really have to think of a way to master this because I admit there are a few times when I forget to pay my credit card bill which falls every 26th day of the month whether it’s January, February, March or any month of the year. And you know I really hate myself when this happens because I’m charged a penalty fee plus interest charges even if I just miss it by one day. Now I have to really take my fertile days very seriously because the “penalty” of unplanned pregnancy is soooooo much more than a one-time financial charge! Need I say it’s lifetime? I wonder if iPhone’s Siri can help me with this? “Siri, can we do it now?”

4.       My husband is always in the mood for love. In fact, he tells me he has a “quota” of three times a week! So I have to tell him, “Sorry honey, Church says you can’t meet your quota with me. So go find someone else or just be grumpy most days of the month. But you know you can’t divorce me on this ground. BTW, the Church also says you really can’t divorce me on any ground!”

5.       I notice that I am in the mood for lovemaking when I’m fertile. So since I only want three children for this lifetime, I just gotta deny myself during those days and just do it when I’m not really in the mood.

6.       Now that I’m in my midlife but still menstruating, I gotta be really careful. Maybe I should just forget about it because the probability of high risk pregnancy and children with birth defects is too high. I do hope we can resume being sexually active after my menopause. And I do hope we will still be so much in love and in lust with each other despite our long years of denying ourselves.

7.       Knowing that I can’t successfully implement a really effective rhythm method with you, I guess I have to eat more papaya and avoid aphrodisiacs like chocolate, garlic, oysters, avocado, asparagus, almonds, etc. And since my husband’s appetite is far greater than mine, maybe I should feed him papaya every single meal until he turns yellow orange! But then there are studies that say papaya actually does the opposite.

8.       I’m very pleased that my husband still finds me sexually attractive after decades of being married but since I can still get pregnant, I should make myself less attractive to him so he will not be tempted as much, and we reduce the frequency of his frustration.

9.       My husband and I should pray that we are not that “matched” in terms of getting pregnant so that we are free to do it anytime. I envy my friends who can openly say, “No to RH Bill!” just because they really didn’t have to go through all the intricacies of the rhythm method but only have one or two children. Oh, did I mention that one of them waited 10 long years before they had their first child and one of them actually had to go through invitro fertilization?

10.   My husband and I should really and truly want to have dozens of children so we can welcome each child who comes along whenever we fail to observe our challenging rhythm method.

11.   Since we really want to just have three children, my husband and I should totally forget about the fun of having spontaneous expression of love because having to check my menstrual calendar before saying yes can never be spontaneous.

12.   I should subscribe to the belief that we only make love with our spouse when we want to have a child. Just wanting to express love and intimacy is not acceptable. Oh but didn’t my church also say that I can use rhythm method as the only acceptable means of birth control? Now I’m confused is birth control allowed or not?

*If all of the above fail, maybe I should just keep quiet and just keep my real stand on the RH bill to myself because:

1.       We’re very happy and comfortable anyway with our three wonderful children.

2.       We were able to space our children as planned, without any help from some government program.

3.       We can easily afford to buy condom unlike the majority of our fellow Filipinos.

4.       My husband is a very loving and reasonable man unlike some husbands who insist on having it their way and just leaving it to their wives to carry any possible burden of unplanned pregnancy. Anyway, these husbands can reason out that even the Church says no to condoms - except the Pope who said it’s okay for male prostitutes to use it. Don’t you just envy them? They already have the approval of the Pope to have protected sex while we, loving married couples, still can’t get that approval!

5.       I might get myself into trouble voicing out my real sentiments about the Church’s anti-RH stand. I might be looked upon with disgrace by my neighbors (even if I don’t live in Alabang) and friends who so believe that this bill is the work of the devil.

6.       My children might get into trouble in their Catholic schools.

7.       My conscience is clear because I have actually confessed to a priest that my husband and I use artificial birth spacing methods and he told me that we are not committing a sin because we are a loving couple who act on our conscience, which is really the voice of God. Oh by the way, the priest said I cannot quote him on that.

8.       I am not the “makibaka, huwag matakot” kind of person. I don’t belong to that generation so maybe I’ll just leave it to the activists.

9.       I should just hope and pray that the poorer and less informed population in our society will follow my 12 steps above so they will have the number of children that they can afford to have. Let me just forget about the sad story of my former maid who came back asking for help because she can’t feed her children and who admitted that she didn’t know anything about artificial contraception. Maybe someday before she bears a dozen more children she’ll learn about it and could afford to buy condoms even if they can hardly afford to feed their children now.

10.   Who knows maybe the good senator who studied at Iskul Bukol may be right when he said (with tears and all as he read his plagiarized speech) that they lost their first child due to the use of a pill that was introduced a couple of years after their baby died!

11.   Should I consider joining other Christian groups who seem to be more open minded about this issue? Honestly, I don’t know if there’s anywhere in the bible that says we cannot use the aid of artificial methods for birth spacing and responsible parenthood. In the same light, I don’t see any mention in the bible that we cannot use artificial methods to cure cancer and other deadly diseases we may contract whether due to our own neglect or not, to prolong our lives. For all we know it might be God’s will for us to die early and we should not use artificial methods to intervene and tamper with natural occurrences?

12.   I belong to the silent majority. Survey says that over 70% of Catholics approve the RH bill. I’m actually part of that survey where I gave my answer honestly because I didn’t have to leave my name anyway. You won’t find me voicing out this sentiment because I may antagonize some sectors unnecessarily. For the meantime, I will just pray.

(Note: In the event that this piece is read by some people who may fail to understand it in its entirety and end up being taken out of context, let me state that this is a parody of what the silent majority, especially the educated Catholic women, feel about the whole RH issue.)

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Click this link to Mayo clinic to see the computation. I excluded my seven days of menstrual period because most of the time it’s uncomfortable in those days and my OB gyn told me that it’s not really advisable to do it on these days because of the sensitivity of the female organ during the period. I warn you this is not so easy to follow - even for an educated woman like me.