New Year's resolutions for geeks
With every passing year, we make and break the same resolutions. A year won’t go by without you hearing about losing weight, spending less, exercising more, eating healthier, stopping smoking, drinking less, which are all well and good but are all basically financial and health concerns. What about us geeks? I mean, sure, weight loss is probably a given for a sizable chunk of our population, but surely there must be something we can change about ourselves come the 1st of January.
To that end, I’ve put together a list of resolution suggestions for geeks only. Maybe this will help you become a better person this 2011. Well, maybe not, but a lot less people will think you’re annoying.
Resolution – Start lending your comic books. Yes, even singles.
Don’t you just hate it when you let some non-comic book fan hold your comic books even for a little while and they return it with some form of damage or crease? I personally have seriously contemplated murder because of precisely that. Because this does happen, the number 1 rule for comic book collectors is to NEVER lend comic books, especially singles. If they have to absolutely share a book, they share only trade paperbacks or hard covers.
But maybe this year, we can change that. Face it, not all your issues will have a good resale value in the next couple decades. In fact, probably only two or three of your current comic books will be worth slightly more than the paper they’re printed on, unless you inherited Action Comics #1 or something equally insanely valuable. There’s really no harm in letting your friends and family read your comics. Who knows, it might get them to start collecting, too.
This resolution does come with a condition, though. See, I’m not saying you should stop caring for your collection completely. I just want you to teach others how to handle comics properly, so there will be less people in the world who’ll mishandle our merch.
The best way to read a comic book is lay it down on a clean, dry and flat surface so that the spine is completely supported. A slightly tilted position is favorable, too. When turning the page, tell your friends to lightly lift the paper with their fingers clasping the middle of the page, not the corners, and to gently guide it onto the other side. Once they’ve got that down, you can lend them one or two of your comic books.
Resolution – Be kind to n00bs.
Every great journey starts with a single step. That’s a highfaluting way of saying that you, too, were once a noob. For non-geeks out there, “noob” or “n00b,” as it is sometimes spelled, means “newbie” or a person who just started doing something and isn’t that good at it yet.
Anyway, before you were the king of the hill at DoTA or the local arcade Tekken champion pulling off devastating juggles and such, you were a bumbling noob. You had to be. You had to start somewhere, right? Now think about how you got to where you are now and try to remember if there was anyone who taught you the ropes. Do you want to be the guy who would prey on noobs or do you want to be the guy the noobs looked up to?
Noobs have souls, too. Be kind to them.
Resolution – Give the mercy round.
This resolution is really more applicable to arcade gaming than it is to home console gaming. Mercy rounds were traditionally given to lesser players who paid the same amount of money to get to play a fighting game so as to extend their playtime and get the most out of their P5.00 token. The same rule still applies to most of today’s arcade communities, especially since games range from P12.00 to P21.00 per play depending on a game’s release date.
Show how kind and benevolent you can be by giving kids who have almost zero chance of winning against you the mercy round, even if they don’t ask for it. By the way, the traditional way of asking for a mercy round is to shout “Mercy! Mercy! Mercy!” right before the 2nd round ends.
Show how much of a badass you are by giving dudes who have the same skill level as you a mercy round. Even if you barely eked out the victory on the first round, you should show mercy on your opponent on the next. That way, everyone gets the most out of their money!
Resolution – Do not frown upon stolen kills.
For the uninitiated, kill stealing is when an FPS or MMO player gets the kill count, experience points and whatever kill reward for taking down an opponent already weakened by another player.
For a lot of FPS players, having their kill stolen is probably the most frustrating thing next to getting an abysmal KD ratio because of some hacker or camper. For some, it kills the fun of playing altogether and it turns moods sour. MMO players feel the same way.
Because I don’t want you guys to be in a bad mood, I think we should all look at kill stealing differently. Think of it as helping the entire team out. You get experience points for winning, too, don’t you? Think of it as boosting a lesser player’s KD ratio and level. Be a giving soul and change your outlook on life this year.
Resolution – Your KD ratio or your win/loss stat is NOT going on your résumé. Learn to have fun with a video game.
Do you know those people who obsess over a game to the point where they strive to be the best at the expense of their fun and the fun of others? They set their load outs and pick their characters according to efficiency and power, instead of using characters they think would be fun to use. They employ every cheap tactic to ensure victories and they rage quit when they’re just about to be beaten.
A lot of people hate those guys. If you’re one of those guys, please try to remember that your KD ratio isn’t going be on your permanent record. Your win streak will not net you a better paying job. It’s okay to lose! You won’t die if you lose a few games! Be a sport this year and we’ll stop wanting to punch you in the nose.
Resolution – Stop interjecting and/or correcting Star Wars, Star Trek, Battlestar Galactica or any science fiction show or movie factoids during normal human conversation.
Not everyone is impressed by our seemingly limitless knowledge of useless crap. No. Not even your girlfriend but she does an admirable job of pretending to.
How many times has this happened to you: You and a group of friends are chilling out, having a couple brewskis and one of the girls says “Oh! Like Luke Skywalker when he destroyed the Moonstar!” All of a sudden, some nerd bursts out with “NO! It’s called the DEATHSTAR, WOMAN! THE DEATHSTAR!” as if he was personally offended.
Please, for all our sakes, this year, when you feel the urge to spout out some geeky wisdom, do so politely and only correct small facts. Do it quickly and do not make a big deal out of it. People will like you more, I guarantee it. Those death threats might even actually stop.
Resolution – Realize and accept that you do NOT have to own every single action figure ever produced.
I know how addictive it can be. I also know how expensive it can be. For some people, money isn’t really a factor, but this resolution isn’t so you can save a few bucks. It’s so that you give other people the chance to own rare action figures, too, especially true blue fans of certain characters.
Besides, with toy collecting being as stressful as it is, you’d save yourself some grief, wouldn’t you? If you absolutely do not have to have a certain toy, maybe you can just let it slide and let others fight over it. Who knows, it might work out for you in the end somehow.
Resolution – Peel yourself off World of Warcraft or any equally popular MMO RPG. It is not real life, no matter how hard you wish it was. If you have friends who think it is, do your best to convince them otherwise.
In think massively multiplayer online role playing games are like treadmills – all that effort and you don’t really get anywhere. The only difference is MMOs will make you fatter.
Do yourself a favor. Stop level grinding, looting, questing and hitting on female elves. Go out and enjoy a stroll in the park with your family and friends if you still have any offline. A break will do you good!
Resolution – Stop giving into GAS or the Geek Acquisition Syndrome. Resist it, at all costs.
We all have it every now and again. That new PS3 peripheral, that new iPod, that new Alienware gaming rig, those new Bose headphones, an action figure sitting on the shelf, a camera lens you’ve been dying to get, a recently developed software DLC – we want them, we don’t NEED them. Save a couple bucks here and there. Resist GAS this year!
There you have it, friends. Pick one that applies to you and try not to break the resolution in the first couple months. Catch you guys online!
