You've got crabs
The next time you’re munching on ungodly-sized king crab legs at a casino buffet in Vegas or Macau, remember that it’s people like fisherman Andy Hillstrand, featured on Discovery Channel’s Deadliest Catch, who routinely face death just so you can dunk some fluffy, heavenly crab flesh into a bowl of warm butter.
Hillstrand, co-captain of the Time Bandit with his older brother Johnathan, heads out each October from Dutch Harbor, Alaska with seven other commercial crab boats to brave the toughest waves and roughest seas, all in a race to come back with the prize — the lion’s share of Alaska King and Opilio, the most expensive crab on the seafood market. It’s two to three months out on the Bering Sea, and the petty squabbles onboard are nothing compared to the 20- to 40-foot waves that routinely slap men around on deck. Last season, six fishermen lost their lives during filming; Discovery hints that not all will come back alive this upcoming season.
“A lot of the times, people say, ‘Oh, Discovery just wants to see us die on TV,’” muses Andy, sitting in a Shangri-La hotel suite in Sydney that must be very different from life at sea. “But the way I look at it is, if there’s not a camera on your boat and you die, great; if there’s a camera and you die, and they show how tough the job was, people will respect it even that much more. So do they want drama? Hell, yeah, they want drama.”
Deadliest Catch is a reality show for guys who don’t like reality shows. There are no hot tubs, no crying and screaming in living rooms, no fake setups out in the wild. The show simply follows the Hillstrand brothers and the other captains as they struggle to locate the migrating crab population in sub-zero waters, then hauling up full 1,000-pound crab pots for what has to be the most euphoric “money shot” ever seen on reality TV. The show even manages to make Bon Jovi’s Wanted: Dead or Alive — used as the theme song — seem cool.
It’s also got real-life action scenes that would put Wolfgang Petersen to shame. On one episode, the crabbers face 100-foot waves during an arctic storm known as “Black Monday.”
“That’s one of the times I thought I was going to die,” Andy said in a past interview. “We got hit from behind by a 100-foot wave… Those are awe-inspiring times when you realize there’s something bigger than you out there.” Staring into a tower of water would give anyone a sense of perspective. “God’s the best director on the set, that’s for damn sure.,” chuckles Andy.
Another time, Hillstrand almost got sucked overboard by a tangled line. “Yeah, I’ve had a line wrapped around my hand once. The coils were wrapping around my hand — I lost my glove, and it happened so fast. It just wasn’t my time to go. It could have pulled me right over because there was major tension on the line.”
Deadliest Catch is probably the only reality show where people die each season. And it’s not just nature that’s a health hazard, hints Andy. “You’ll see that with other boats that have come and gone on the show over the years. Like, if some guy’s just a real a-hole, and the crew members hate him and they wanted to kill him, they could have killed him with a pot. Just wait for this guy and — boom — smack him. You could easily kill someone at any time on a boat and claim it’s an accident. So not getting along with people is not good.”
‘Don’t make me go captain on your ***’
Captain Andy has an affable, somewhat hoarse bark, aggravated by two days of doing radio interviews and TV promos for Deadliest Catch. His face is ruddy, healthy from spending a few days golfing and relaxing in Australia’s Hamilton Island. All this luxury is taken with a grain of salt. “Some of the younger crew members now, they’re meeting all these hot chicks, going to all the hot clubs, hanging out with P. Diddy. They’re buying into the whole rock star thing. I just pull ‘em aside and say, ‘Hey, brother, remember, it’s gonna go away...’”
But hopefully not for a while. The show is insanely popular in Australia and the US, and hopes to gain a following in Asia. (Locally, the fifth season debuts on Discovery Channel Sept. 14, Mondays, 11 p.m.) Both guys and gals are rabid fans. One overeager lady at a Sydney book signing (the Hillstrands have a book out called Time Bandit) told Hillstrand she wished she could be “reincarnated as a crab, so that you would come catch me.”
Married, with three daughters, Andy spends most of the year on a horse ranch in Arizona, the rest of his time out landing crab. The five Hillstrand brothers (three work aboard Time Bandit, plus there’s Johnathan’s son Scotty) grew up in Anchorage, where their father was a fisherman and their granddad a state legislator. I ask if a sense of diplomacy is important for a crab boat captain. “Not really, because what Johnathan and me say goes,” says Andy, though he admits training horses has taught him to use psychology with obstinate beasts. “It’s like you can take this wild, 1,000-pound animal, calm him down and get him to be trusting with you. It’s the same with the guys: we’re charging through the seas, I see they’re tired, maybe I say there’s only 10 pots to go, I bring up their spirits, encourage ‘em when you need to, yell at ‘em when you need to. You gotta use psychology. You gotta be a babysitter, a motivator, father, whatever it is to them.”
And if that doesn’t work, there’s always the infamous “Don’t Make Me Go Captain On Your Ass.” Andy recalls he started using the catchphrase after a crew member started slacking off. “I had two signs made up: ‘Don’t Make Me Go Captain On Your Ass’ and ‘Don’t Make Me Go F***ING Captain On Your Ass.’ And I told ‘em if I have to hold that second sign up, you’re fired.”
I ask if women ever go out on crab boats. Andy matter-of-factly outlines the problems involved: “They had a girl on a camera crew, a different boat, they went out, then she had sex with the captain, and they never were on the show… What usually happens is, the captain hires his girlfriend to come out and cook. She takes a percentage out of the crew’s earnings, and then she doesn’t cook. So now you’re stuck with this dynamic, you know, the captain’s mean to the deckhands, it just turns into a nightmare. We just choose not to do that.
“My wife doesn’t really want a girl coming on the boat,” he adds. “It’s just common sense.”
I ask Andy if he’s ever worked with Filipinos, said to be among the best seafarers in the world. No, “but there’s a lot of Filipinos working in the canneries and out on the boats in Alaska.”
After hauling crab for 29 years, Andy says he’s seen every imaginable injury at sea. Last season, they helped rescue another boat’s crew who had fallen overboard in hypothermic waters. Limbs get severed, chests crushed. Some don’t survive. It is, indeed, one of the most dangerous jobs in the world. Andy calls himself and brother Johnathan “anomalies” because they still have all their limbs and digits intact. “Statistically, we shouldn’t have any of them,” he says, pausing to rap the wooden arm of his chair.
“You see a lot of guys out there with missing fingers, toes. One guy out there wore a finger around his neck. Crazy bastard.”
Sort of as a reminder?
“Yeah,” Andy chuckles. “Don’t be a dummy.”
‘Like watching a car wreck’
As reality shows go, I ask Andy if Deadliest Catch is an accurate depiction of their job. “It’s pretty damn accurate… They can’t really set things up out there… It’s like, if the producers tell me to head straight into a 20- or 40-foot wave and crash through it, I won’t do it. But we have to go do it anyways…” He laughs. “It just happens. I mean, they got it made with the weather. That’s like a godsend.”
You might ask, what makes men want to venture out to sea in the harshest conditions each January? For working-class fishermen, says Thom Beers, the show’s executive producer, it’s money. “These are guys who go out and earn a living. What they’re doing is modern-day prospecting and nature, in all its violence, is the great leveler. It’s about how a working-class guy makes it rich.” Crabbers stand to earn as much as $10,000 a week if they hit the mother lode.
I ask Andy what gives the show its crossover appeal, even in Asia. “I think it’s because all the most popular guys on the show are family members.” Most crab boats on the show — including the Northwestern, Cornelia Marie, Wizard, Maverick, Aleutian Ballad, Farwest Leader and Early Dawn — are father-brother-son operations. “Everybody knows the dynamics of their own family, so they can relate to that. Everybody understands how it is to have an older brother or younger brother.”
Plus so much is on the line, out at sea?
“That’s very compelling. It’s like watching a car wreck. You don’t watch NASCAR to see the race 500 laps, you want to see a crash. It’s just human nature.”
The vicarious thrill of Deadliest Catch is such that each season, the crab boat captains get dozens of “greenhorns” showing up on the docks, hoping to get hired. “I think it comes down to a lot of guys wanting to test their mettle, because they think we’re the toughest of the tough,” explains Andy. “They think they can do it. Probably a lot of them are deluded.”
Some aren’t, though. “One guy tattooed ‘Bering Sea’ on his chest, showed up and said ‘I’m gonna be out there and do it, go out on a boat.’ And now he’s doing it.”
Realistically, Andy sees about two more years of crab hunting for himself, whether the show continues or not. “After 29 years, man, truthfully, you get your ass kicked. I’m getting more tired of getting thrown around. My chiropractor says I’ve got the body of a 90-year-old.”
Besides the life-and-death struggle, the sports-driven race for the most crab, Deadliest Catch works in a lot of human interest storylines: in season five, two captains deal with critical health issues, while others face economic ruin. All of it dutifully captured by the cameras.
“I just hope we’re not becoming a soap opera for guys,” chuckles Andy.
Tune in for season five of Deadliest Catch and find out for yourself.
* * *
Deadliest Catch: Season Five premieres tomorrow on Discovery Channel and is shown Mondays at 11 p.m. with encores every Tuesday, 2 a.m., 9 a.m. and 3 p.m., and Wednesdays at 5 a.m. and 10 p.m.
