Plantation Bay: Where the fun never ends

“Do the Plantation Bay Duode-cathlon,” Plantation Bay challenges all its guests. It’s an athletic challenge that involves swimming, rowing, biking, climbing, and kissing a cranky parrot or a pretty guest service officer.

The same kind of irreverent, utterly politically incorrect humor permeates every facet of the five-star resort on Cebu’s Mactan Island, where the only thing that is taken totally seriously is guest satisfaction, while everything else is an excuse for fun, games, and laughter.

Take the resort’s “unofficial” official guidebook for guests. It’s called Don’t Panic, and offers such useful advice as the one about fishing in the lapu-lapu-stocked pond: “If you throw the fish back in, there’s no charge… But if you really want to see a smile on your children’s faces, have it cooked… whereupon we will cheerfully charge you what the market will bear, or more.”

How can you resist such a charming way of relieving you of hard cash?

As everyone already knows, Plantation Bay offers just about every water-related sport and activity imaginable. But for those in the mood for something different, there’s quite a bit more.

Consider the wall-climbing facility. It’s not just a bare wall, but a sculpted structure that actually looks like a small mountain, complete with regulation hand-holds, safety harnesses, and belaying cables. Every afternoon it’s well patronized by children, fathers trying to keep up with their children, and boyfriends showing off. And it’s free.

Adjacent are an archery course and a chipping green, while the inside of the “mountain” is actually an indoor firing range, possibly the best in the country.

The selection of firearms is awesome — from .357 Magnums to Armalites. The Glock 9-mm and the Benelli 12-gauge semi-automatic shotgun were contributed gratis by their principal owner, Manny Gonzalez, who bought them “before I realized I was afraid of noise.”

The firing range is not free, and its ammo is described in Don’t Panic as “shockingly overpriced” (which does not seem to dissuade the customers).

An activity all unto itself is reading the building signage around the hotel. Each has an amusing description of the name. The one for Quantum House explains quantum physics: “… In some ways individual particles are basically unpredictable, more or less like most ladies… In other ways they just follow the herd, more or less like most gentlemen.” (You’ve got to hand it to a resort willing to poke fun at both sexes in the same breath.)

Plantation Bay’s can-do, have-fun attitude is shared by all the staff. Take its Hawaiian Luau floor show and buffet. Last Christmas, the resort mounted a show as a one-off affair. But it was flat, and the performers not especially sexy. “We can do better,” said the management.

With full support from the shareholders, banquet manager Rocel Gonzaga was given carte blanche. First she hired a choreographer, the talented Paige Ginete. She got housekeeping to design seriously revealing outfits. And then she hanged a “Help Wanted” sign on the Plantation Bay employee bulletin board. There was a flood of applicants from every department of the hotel and eventually about 10 women and 10 men were selected — including bellmen, masseuses, a bar supervisor, a demi-chef… all of them in it for the fun and the glory. The show features “fire-eaters… provocative hula dancers (we hope)… skimpy loincloths on sexy male performers (at least we think so… and oh yes, plenty of high-cholesterol food,” according to the in-house poster, which made fun of itself. The luau cost P1,000 per head, and was wildly successful.

At Plantation Bay, the fun-loving owners, managers, and staff all work together to put a smile on every guest’s face.