‘I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, Florida…’(and other travel bloopers)
August 29, 2004 | 12:00am
They say you can tell a lot about people by how well-traveled they are. If that’s the case, then the following group of local politicians and government officials are far from cosmopolitan. This series of dialogues with a local travel agent, sent to me via e-mail from a Fil-Am friend, reveals that, no matter how much money and power they achieve, some people still shouldn’t be let out of the country. Of course, in the interest of not being sued, I’ve had to remove their actual names and titles. Guess away, though; you probably won’t be far off the mark.
A friend has been a travel agent for 30 years. She says, after 30 years of taking reservation requests from government officials, we are all in trouble. Here’s a few choice reservation questions from these bright people.
• A certain female senator asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• I got a call from a provincial ex-mayor, who wanted to go to Capetown. Explaining the length of the flight and passport information, he interrupted me with, "I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa."
His response: (click).
• A certain congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did for him and his TV star girlfriend. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (so he expected to see the ocean on both sides of the hotel?!)
• A certain senator’s popular wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
• This senator asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I noticed he had only an hour layover in Dallas. When asked why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
• This well-known senator called last week. He needed to know how it was possible that his flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but he could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told him the plane went very fast, and he bought that.
• This congressman asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight. I think that is very rude!" I looked into it and explained the city code for Fresno, California is FAT and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
• This former presidentiable inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, he asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and take the train to Hawaii?"
• I just got off the phone with this popular senator who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
• This former vice presidential candidate asked, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those twin engine planes?" I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. He said, "Yeah, whatever!"
• A certain congressman called and had a question about the documents needed to fly to China. I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they accepted my American Express!"
• A certain fiery female senator called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent said, "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
A friend has been a travel agent for 30 years. She says, after 30 years of taking reservation requests from government officials, we are all in trouble. Here’s a few choice reservation questions from these bright people.
• A certain female senator asked for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn’t get messed up by being near the window.
• I got a call from a provincial ex-mayor, who wanted to go to Capetown. Explaining the length of the flight and passport information, he interrupted me with, "I’m not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts." Without trying to make him look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Cape Cod is in Massachusetts. Capetown is in Africa."
His response: (click).
• A certain congressman called, furious about a Florida package we did for him and his TV star girlfriend. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that was not possible since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don’t lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state!" (so he expected to see the ocean on both sides of the hotel?!)
• A certain senator’s popular wife asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." She said, "But they look so close on the map."
• This senator asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. I noticed he had only an hour layover in Dallas. When asked why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between the gates to save time."
• This well-known senator called last week. He needed to know how it was possible that his flight from Detroit left at 8:20 a.m. and got into Chicago at 8:33 a.m. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of Illinois, but he could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told him the plane went very fast, and he bought that.
• This congressman asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" He replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I’m overweight. I think that is very rude!" I looked into it and explained the city code for Fresno, California is FAT and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage.
• This former presidentiable inquired about a trip package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost information, he asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and take the train to Hawaii?"
• I just got off the phone with this popular senator who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them."
• This former vice presidential candidate asked, "I need to fly to Pepsi-Cola, FL. Do I have to get on one of those twin engine planes?" I asked if he meant fly to Pensacola, FL on a commuter plane. He said, "Yeah, whatever!"
• A certain congressman called and had a question about the documents needed to fly to China. I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh, no I don’t. I’ve been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this, he said, "Look, I’ve been to China four times and every time they accepted my American Express!"
• A certain fiery female senator called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Rhino, New York." The agent said, "Are you sure that’s the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the lady. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I’m sorry, ma’am, I’ve looked up every airport code in the country and can’t find a Rhino anywhere." The lady retorted, "Oh, don’t be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!"
The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don’t mean Buffalo, do you?" "That’s it! I knew it was a big animal," she said.
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