Who won the Duterte-Roxas fight?

MANILA — The highly anticipated Duterte-Roxas fight ended on a sour note on Friday in a match that failed to live up to the hype after fans left the jam-packed Smart Araneta Coliseum a little bit disappointed.

In the red corner was fan-favorite Rodrigo “Digong” Duterte (1,700-0-0,  1,349 KO (Killed On-site)) who came into the ring with his running mate, Alan Peter Cayetano along with a huge entourage of gun-wielding, expletive-spurting supporters. His entrance music was Survivor’s Eye of the Tiger.

In the yellow corner was Manuel “Mar” Araneta Roxas II (0-1) accompanied by his wife, Korina Sanchez. In the crowd were his supporters clad in yellow shirts, who could’ve been mistaken for participants in a Minion-themed cosplay party.  His entrance music was Mariah Carey’s I Can Make It Through The Rain.

Duterte started the match the way everybody expected him to, taunting Roxas at every chance he could get. The 70-year-old Mayor of Davao performed his signature move, “The Duterty Finger” in the early rounds while the seemingly coy Roxas circled the ring cautiously with a confused look on his face, contemplating the chain of events from the past week that brought them together in the ring.

The two begin to trade slaps, hitting each other lightly on the chest area as they move their way up, culminating in a lackluster slap on the face of Duterte from Roxas.

“Is that all you can do?” an insulted Duterte told Roxas. “P****** ina, mas malakas pang sumampal ang nanay ko sayo eh!”

Multiple slaps

This provoked Roxas to deliver multiple slaps using both hands simultaneously to Duterte’s face, but the latter just laughed if off.  Shocked, exhausted and no longer able to control his emotions, Roxas just let out a, “P****** ina , ano ba ‘to?!?!” with his arms stretched out and head looking up to the rafters of the coliseum.

An unsettled Sanchez, who was sitting in Roxas’ corner, threw a rubber sandal into the ring, telling her husband to use it against his opponent while shouting, “Ihampas mo ‘yan sa pagmumukha nya!”

Energized and motivated by his wife’s antics, Roxas picked up the sandal and charged directly at Duterte’s direction while shouting, “This is for Wharton!” But as it is with everything Roxas does, his plan backfired as Duterte was able to land a clean punch that knocked him back to his corner.

This provoked Sanchez to start pelting Duterte with more sandals that she brought to the venue. The referee then kicked her out of the venue due to interference.

Chanting crowd

As Sanchez exited the arena, the crowd started chanting, “Let’s go Digong! Roxas sucks!” repeatedly. A “hulked-up” Duterte signaled to the crowd that the end is near. This signal/taunt was done with a combination of a cutthroat gesture (performed by drawing the thumb across the throat), a gun-cocking gesture and then the firing-of-the-said-gun gesture.

After the lengthy gesture and with the crowd on their feet, Duterte began his finishing move: The Davao Death Suplex.

But before he was able to deliver the coup de grace, out came Grace Poe along with her tag-team partner, Chiz Escudero, to the tune of Hulk Hogan’s famous entrance music. On their way down the ramp, they were ambushed by no other than Jejomar Binay, who hit both of them on the head with a monobloc chair.

Binay in

With both Poe and Escudero down, Binay approached Duterte and Roxas as the three stood face-to-face in a classic Mexican stand-off in the middle of the ring.

The three stood firmly, unflinching, looking at each and everyone’s eyes. For a moment, they wondered if Miriam Santiago would join them. But after careful thought, they all agreed unanimously that she might be too smart to participate in such a circus. Or perhaps she was unwell.

All of this just by looking at each other’s eyes.

The crowd grew impatient as they saw no solution to the impasse. They began shouting insults, calling each other dirty names, and ganging up on people they disagree with. Just like in social media.

Sensing that the match was going nowhere, the entire audience dispersed, causing a traffic jam that did not ease up for six hours. As of press time, Duterte, Roxas and Binay are still standing in the ring, locked in a three-way death stare. And in other news, Bongbong Marcos, dressed in a  Jedi coat and holding a light saber, is making his way to Malacañang.

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Editor’s note: This article is satire. Everything here is made up, aside from the part about Bongbong Marcos.