Supreme horoscopes for hipsters

MANILA, Philippines - Step aside, Zenaida Seva, Supreme has got the best predictions for the Year of the Horse. We found them written in a special edition Moleskine, which was screen-capped and posted in a password-locked Tumblr. That’s right: This is for you, dear hipsters! Here’s what’s in store for you in the year ahead.

Rat

Stop weeping for the death of your favorite scene. Now that lamestream kids and their ‘90s fauxstagia have overrun your preferred hangout, it’s time to stop worrying and move on — something that you should do in many aspects of your life. Dropping this kind of baggage may bring some clarity in your life, so maybe it’s time to finally embrace Zedd as some kind of savior.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 285

Ox

Money can be a problem for you this year. It’s time to cut down on Etsy splurges, and sell your precious Carole King LPs (that Grammy performance hitched up her valuation), Choose Your Own Adventure boxed sets, and your framed Polish poster of Rosemary’s Baby. Consider growing your own food, too. That way you can save up and still subscribe to The New Yorker on your iPad.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 331

Tiger

You will be able to move forward in becoming the Best That You Can Be. Start by meditating to the tune of Enya — unironically, and let her Celtic gospel wash away the toxic residue of your past life. Cleanse your aura with herbs and aromatic oils from Yoshino. And write your thoughts on a custom-made notebook from your designer friend. 

Pantone color of the year: PMS 2995

Rabbit

There will be a lot of depressing things this year. You can process this whilst succumbing to the cinematic works of Francois Truffaut, Rainer Werner Fassbinder and Yasujiro Ozu. Then start a Livejournal relating your life events to the films that you’ve watched.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 3495

Dragon

Stop worrying about your cred, despite the fact that your last.fm scrobbles highlight your love for Jewel, Miranda Cosgrove, and Boyce Avenue. This year will be about emotions, and you will have lots of them. So you will need all the comforting music to sing your feelings to.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 493

Snake

A misreading of a Manila Missed Connection will change your life. For better or for worse? Your future cannot say. Pick up some new glasses from Nackymade and regularly down some ZzzQuils to clear your mind.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 562

Horse

Since it’s the year of the wooden horse, your musical taste will veer towards the post-Bon-Iver-Mountain-Man tunage such as the emerging Colorado trio Velveteen Babbit, future Grammy nominee Jason Stonenheim, and Asian breakout star XVNGΔLI. Your conquest for love will also be associated with earthy or wood elements. So maybe start shopping more often at Muji. Or Ace Hardware.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 716

Sheep

For three months, you will think about finally deleting your social media accounts. But you will come back because you cannot bear to live in a world without tweets from @bB_niEtzsChe59, the McSweeney’s Facebook feed, and Petra Magno’s ask.fm.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 813

Monkey

Your attempt to start a buzzband will gain some ground during the last quarter of the year. Which doesn’t mean that you should slack off for the first few quarters of the year. All that heckling and scant blog buzz will fuel your determination.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 640

Rooster

Like any other year, you will begin 2014 with an attempt to get in shape and repair your body from binge drinking and staying up too late. You will be successful with this for a few months, reluctantly jump on the crossfit — gasp! — bandwagon until you find yourself spending too much time curating your workout playlist rather than going to the gym. Look at your life, look at your choices.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 513

Dog

Career-wise, it’ll be a boring year. You will still be stuck in your dead-end corporate job, but that means you’ll have all the time in the world to realize your artisanal career. You’ll be spending a lot of time traveling around the country looking for the best textiles for your artisan totebag. Pro tip: triangles have been out since 2008.

Pantone color of the year: PMS 640

Pig

Throw away your slutwave clothes thrifted from Anonas. This will finally trickle down to Basic Fashion Bloggers. You will almost burst an artery upon seeing your Last Days outfit from two years ago on some 17-year-old blogger who had just proclaimed her love for The Smiths (because she finally watched 500 Days of Summer three days ago).

Pantone color of the year: PMS 640

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