SAT’s for homosexuals

MANILA, Philippines - Written in the vein of (and with apologies to) Ethan Kuperberg’s ‘S.A.T. for Adults’ (published in the September 23, 2013 edition of The New Yorker), Supreme has fashioned this test to confront your morals, math, and vocabulary.

1. Stephen is on a bus and suddenly notices a not so good-looking gay couple making out in the seat next to him. Should he: 

a. Pretend not to care because he is all for his fellow gay men and their PDA rights.

b. Read a book and feign nonchalance, because he’s cool like that.

c. Clear his throat as a subtle notice to the couple (which they might also read as a signal that Stephen is enjoying the show and wants to go home with them for added action).

d. Whip out a Bible and suddenly read the Old Testament out loud to the gay couple, condemning them to their deaths, like the people in Sodom and Gomorrah.

2. Christopher graduated cum laude with a major in Philosophy, comes from a moneyed family and has a body that people in Grindr and Hornet would describe as “gymfit.” Another description for him would be:

a. Exquisite

b. Aspirational

c. Fictional

d. Out of your league

3. Carlo spends an hour to dress up every Saturday night before going out. He spends one two five hundred a month on a gym membership, one thousand one hundred pesos on fashion magazines, mostly shops at Topman and Zara, and accumulates a total of five hours a week online reading about gay relationships and dating (mostly on Thought Catalog). He weighs 57 kg, drives a Civic and is often told to resemble a young Vhong Navarro. What is the probability that he will hook up with someone tonight?

a. 1/10

b. The car seals the deal.

c. The fact that he is consciously trying decreases the probability by 10 percent.

d. No good will ever come from reading Thought Catalog.

4. Identify the error:

5. A guy is eyeing Enzo on the train. He gives the guy a second look just to make sure he’s his type (a), and he subtly reciprocates by lightly grazing his hand down his crotch area while licking his lips (b), but he alights when the train reaches his stop (c). No error (d). 

6. Angelo used to subscribe to The Atlantic and The New York Review of Books and watched a total of 15 films a week. But now that he is going out all night every weekend with his hot new friends, he becoming more fashionable and is uninterested in his old hobbies. Angelo’s life [is]:

a. Satisfactory

b. Very satisfactory

c. Needs improvement

d. Needs help

7. Paulo has been best friends with Jason for 15 years. They have been through some difficult times, including being poor and jobless. But recently, Jason has been flooding Paulo’s Facebook timeline with inspirational quotes from Paolo Coehlo, 55 hash tags every selfie (posted once a day), and changes his profile picture thrice a week. Paulo should:

a. Not care and accept Jason for who he is, because that’s what a good friend should do.

b. Consider an intervention for Jason, because that’s what a good friend should do.

c. Hide Jason from his timeline, because that’s what a good friend should do.

d. Tell Jason he will post embarrassing Throwback Thursday photos if he doesn’t stop, because that’s what a good friend should do.

8. What would my life be if I looked like Dennis Trillo, Sani often thinks about.

a. Sani thinks his life would be better if he looked like Dennis Trillo.

b. Sani often thinks of Dennis Trillo and how his life would be if he looked like him.

c. If he looked like Dennis Trillo, Sani thinks his life would improve, meaning he will get the guys he wants, land an acting contract with a TV network, and have his face and body displayed in a billboard in Guadalupe.

d. Sani thinks looking like Dennis Trillo would make his life more exciting because he is obviously living a very uninteresting life if he thinks of looking like Dennis Trillo often.

e. Correct as it is.

9. Louie likes the attention. Louie:

a. Lives for the applause

b. Applause, Applause

c. Lives for the applause-plause

d. Lives for the applause-plause

e.  Lives for the way that you cheer and scream for him.

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