Lessons from online dating horror stories

MANILA, Philippines - MTV’s Catfish: The TV Show is an interesting, albeit uncomfortable, watch.  See, a “catfish” is someone on social media who portrays himself to be someone he isn’t. And in an age where finding romance online is becoming the norm, this obviously poses more than a few problems. Watching the TV show, we see that a good number of them have been heartbreaking.

Supreme sat down with Catfish host Max Joseph to see what we can learn from these cases. If you don’t dabble in online love, it’s easy to think you’re above this whole phenomenon, perhaps conveniently forgetting those profiles of people you haven’t met but keep stalking anyway, from celebrities to that interesting “mutual friend” you chanced upon. But whether or not you actively jump into cyber love, there are lessons to be picked up from frauds and the seemingly idiotic people who fall for them.

SUPREME: Why do people still seek/fall into romance online despite the lack of real, physical contact and the obvious risk of fraud? What’s the lure?

MAX JOSEPH: The lure of falling in love online is just the lure of falling in love in general, but what attracts people to falling in love online is that the awkward physical part of getting to know someone is out of the way. You don’t have to work up the confidence to go up to someone on the street and talk to them, which can be and is a major natural contraception for anyone meeting anyone. Online, there is a sense that you can make a connection that isn’t just because you are attracted to them physically and superficially, but is a deeper connection.

What are the most common red flags?

Six pack abs, models, doctors, super glamorous careers, and if they can never meet you and always have an excuse — also if they have a lot of sickness or drama and tragedy in their lives, like car accidents that have befallen them, or family members. But the biggest is if they just can’t meet you. And if their pictures aren’t tagged or if they seem to be out of magazines.

How would you advise people when it comes to being able to tell if someone online is the real deal?

Google them. Look down their Facebook wall and see if they know the people posting on their wall, or are they Internet acquaintances? Are their photos tagged — if you follow the tag does it lead to people who seem real? Are their families tagged? Do they go to a school or have a job that you can search for? It’s a lot of common sense.  Apply yourself and be persistent and search for 30 minutes at least.

Aside from the times when the intention was clearly malicious, why has a person chosen to be a catfish? Why do you think some people go through such lengths to fabricate something that isn’t real instead of paying attention to what is?

A lot of people, as always, are unhappy with their lives. They wish they lived somewhere else. They wish they had someone to talk to. They wish they were better-looking. They wish people treated them better and cared about them. The Internet is like a video game. But it isn’t a video game —it’s real. Before, you could escape into books or movies or video games, but those are all solitary and isolated activities. On the Internet, not only can you create a fake version of yourself that you like, you can have people fall in love with that person. And then it’s easy to convince yourself that it’s not a big deception, because you are the person on the other end. You control the image and the profile, so it is still you to a certain degree. People have fallen in love with you and they are treating you the way you always wanted to be treated, and they’re asking you questions you always wanted to be asked. It’s a very intoxicating feeling to finally be treated that way, especially when you’ve gone so long not being treated that way. That is a major lure. That doesn’t describe all catfish, but it is the most common catfish.

Do you think almost everyone is guilty of the basic traits behind fraud? Like the desire to portray an idealized version of yourself online?

To create an Internet profile requires you to edit yourself down to the basics of who you are, and you’d be a fool to not put your best foot forward. We’ve all been taught to make a good first impression — fake it ’til you make it and all those sayings. So when you can only put so much information about yourself out there, why not choose the best stuff? It’s important to be honest, but you don’t have to tell me everything that’s wrong with you at the outset.

We all do it, but some people take it further. Where do you draw the line? I think using someone else’s photos is definitely a line that you draw. But embellishing your career — let’s say you’ve done one modeling job in your life and it was a hand modeling job, but you say you’re a model. Well, you are… It’s very tricky.

Watching the show, it’s hard to swallow the disparity between all these pictures of successful, good-looking “models,” and well, who they turned out to be in real life. Having met these people, who obviously themselves saw cause to fabricate an identity, do you think they’d benefit from attempting to be real for a change? What would they get out of it?

The most important thing in any relationship, or maybe life in general, is learning to accept yourself. And that’s a hard thing to do, especially when you are younger, in high school or college, and you feel all this pressure to be beautiful and have this amazing life. Maybe you have been bullied or are overweight. Most people don’t like some aspect of themselves, whether it is physical or psychological or behavioral. The best thing you can do is learn to love yourself for who you are — weaknesses and strengths. That’s the part of the show that’s most rewarding for me — seeing these people confront themselves, simply by showing the other person, and for better or worse just accepting themselves. You know, this is what I look like, this is what I sound like, this is what my life is like. I wish it could be different, but it can’t be. I think that’s a really important first step in having a successful life, because the truth is until your learn to accept yourself, you’ll never be able to have a healthy relationship with someone else.

I’m sure you learned a lot from doing the show. What lessons particularly stand out for you?

Be yourself, accept yourself, and be honest.

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“Catfish” is on MTV Asia at 10 p.m. on Sundays in the Philippines. Tweet the author @catedeleon.