Cute babies, crazy parents
By naming their daughter after a compass point, Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have devised yet another way to grab headlines. North — who will be known by the nickname Nori, evoking toasted sheets of seaweed — is already an unusual handle to carry through life; combined with West, it becomes a cruel joke, with the infant as the unwitting punchline.
It could’ve been much worse, though: it’s a good thing the attention-hungry couple didn’t call their newborn Slow, Go or Wild, or even Kredit Kard or Kool Kash Kow as I had expected. Rob Morrow, from the TV crime drama Numb3rs, showed his love for puns by naming his son Tu. Get it? Tackiness — it happens. Nickelodeon star Drake Bell summed it all up with a tweet: “In honor of Kim and Kanye’s baby ‘North West’ I will be naming my first son ‘Taco’.â€
Hall of fame
While I derive as much wicked pleasure in discussing and deriding these monikers as much as the next person, I feel bad for the offspring that bear them. I imagine 10-year-old Audio Science Clayton Googling himself only to discover that he’s in the hall of fame of stupid celebrity baby names, all because his parents, actress Shannyn Sossamon and her partner Dallas Clayton, decided to express their innermost quirks at his expense.
Pilot Inspektor Riesgraf-Lee also became instantly notorious when his dad, My Name Is Earl’s Jason Lee, drew inspiration from He’s Simple, He’s Dumb, He’s the Pilot, a song by the California indie rock band Grandaddy. Chief Inspektor, Ticket Inspektor or Safety Inspektor would’ve made more sense, but Pilot Inspektor? Hmmm.
This roster roars with ridiculousness. There’s Moxie CrimeFighter, a name chosen in 2005 by the comedian Penn Jillette for his daughter. Who can forget Jermajesty, the youngest son of Michael Jackson’s brother, Jermaine? There’s also Breeze Beretta, daughter of Sarah Palin’s ex-future son-in-law Levi Johnston; Diezel and Denim, sons of singer Toni Braxton; and British chef Jamie Oliver’s brood: Poppy Honey Rosie, Daisy Boo Pamela, Petal Blossom Rainbow and Buddy Bear Maurice.
The world may have gasped when Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin named their first-born after a fruit, but Apple sounds terribly drab in hindsight. As far as 21st century child-labeling choices are concerned, the convention appears to be to throw in as many dog names as possible, or to use something once reserved for one’s iPod or penis.
Culture of one-upmanship
Given the culture of one-upmanship in showbusiness, the celebrity impulse to foist odd names on their children could amount to narcissism on the part of the parents. Babies, after all, can be considered brand extensions and a highly individual name is possibly a distillation of their supposed standing in society. “As artists, actors often consider it their duty to shake up assumptions, defy conventions and push the frontiers of the possible,†the New York Times explained in 2006. “To settle for a tedious name for the child would almost be a form of spiritual surrender.â€
In an article published in behindthename.com, H. Edward Deluzain states that stereotyping on the basis of a name does exist and it means that how we are called has a direct influence over how we act and how others perceive us. It seems the onus is now on these children to grow up to be as creative — or bizarre — as the names with which they have been equipped. “My worry raising a son in Hollywood is, what will he have to struggle for?†said Good Charlotte’s Joel Madden in 2009 about Sparrow James Midnight, his second child with Nicole Richie. “I wanted to give him a name that he’s going to have to stand up for.â€
USA Today reports that West and Kardashian named their daughter thus because they “look at her as being their highest point together.†If Sigmund Freud is to be believed — he stated that a “human being’s name is the principal component in her person†— it will be interesting, at the very least, to see what direction North’s life will take. If it proves too much of a hindrance in the future, she can change it anyway.
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