Ang tunay na lalaki…

The truth is, I’m not mad at patriarchy. Save for those lame excuses that are somehow still entertained when a person is accused of rape, I can live with the gender dynamics that we have in the Philippines. It’s not perfect, but soon you realize that you can say “eff it” to the parts that you don’t like, and the people around you will get with the program.

Another reason I’m not mad at patriarchy is because a woman who can manage to get over herself long enough will soon realize that patriarchy is just as hard on the boys, if not more: The tough exteriors, the high (income) expectations, not being able to flit back and forth from strength to weakness as freely as we do. My assessment of the current situation is that a woman will rise to power only because she wants to. For men, society still hasn’t shaken off that “have to” vibe.

Phrases like “Ang tunay na lalaki…” or the flavor of those commercials that trample you for using your girlfriend’s shampoo betray this kind of pressure, which a good number of gender experts believe is partly to blame for a man’s shorter life expectancy. Fortunately, the progressive evolution of society when it comes to gender roles is slowly easing and improving things on the men’s side as well. But that doesn’t mean that we will ever run out of expectations. Here are a few that I consider reasonable in the 21st century.

A real man…

• Is not homophobic.

It still exists as a joke and maybe even as a real stigma that the threat to one’s manliness is the existence of gays or being gay. Modern psychology, however, is discovering that the more homophobic a guy is, the more he tends to lean in that very direction. You see, it makes sense to think of our fears as telltale signs of what really lies beneath.

At UP, we like to have these straight-guy pageants where we dress them all in drag, complete with a bikini portion (as far as I could tell, there was waxing involved), and have a roaring good time at their expense. I imagine it’s a very embarrassing, traumatic experience, and it’s a miracle that every year we somehow manage to find participants. But at the same time, straight pageants are considered a rite of passage. If a guy can strut the stage in high heels, shake his hips to the music, win the crowd over with his falsetto sexy voice for the Q&A portion — and still come out sure of his sexuality, he’s a certified hot-blooded straight male. This doesn’t always happen, by the way. A friend of mine walked in a deep-voiced and barrel-chested mortal, and emerged on the other side a “Diyosa.”

Don’t worry. I’m not about to push for this kind of torture to become mandatory (we are a crazy people). The point is, to be sure is to be secure. A real man sees no reason why he shouldn’t be able to make fun of himself and relate to all kinds of people.

• Can roll with a woman’s complexities.

I have heard a million complaints about how women can say one thing and then mean the other, how we’re weird with our moods, take too long to get ready, don’t like how you deal with the toilet seat, get even more agitated when you try to fix our problems, can’t separate our emotions from sex, and basically how we can be downright crazy sometimes. I stare at this long list dismissively and feel unfazed because all I have to say to guys who complain about women is this: Go f**k a guy, then. If you want a woman, you get a woman.

Although, if it’s any consolation, it’s a turn-on when a guy can put a woman in her place when it needs to be done, especially if the woman in question is used to getting away with things.

• Appreciates the slow burn.

Instant hook-ups are overrated. It’s not so much a question of patience, gentlemanliness, or worse, saving it all for procreation. It’s about being able to appreciate the process of connecting, of working up the chemistry, of knowing how to simmer a dish until it’s ready. Notice how this is coming right after the “women are complex” part. And as they say, the brain is the biggest sex organ and therefore it needs the most warming up. While there is absolutely nothing wrong with desire, I believe the word “atat” is usually best left to the juveniles.

• Can like what he sees minus the entitlement.

“Don’t women wear shorts because they want male attention?” Suddenly, from this disturbing line of thought, a lot of things made sense — all those men on the streets who hooted and ogled at us like it was their birthright. Apparently they had convinced themselves that we were silently “asking for it.” “We wear shorts because it’s hot. And it’s not our fault that the weather being what it is and your being born are realities that are now coinciding.”

We still understand that men are visually stimulated and will always pick up on the contours of a woman’s body at the first split second of meeting. We actually don’t mind this. However, there is a world of difference between checking someone out like the goods were laid out just for you, and checking someone out like what she has is her own property — which it is.

• As Celine Lopez put it, a real man does not use gender equality as a reason to adopt the 

manners of a stray dog. 

Few things are more disconcerting than a man who can’t hold it together in the face of women empowerment. We were after all pushing for equality — not to be the only decent species left on the planet. Now more than ever is the time for a man to be dignified, gracious, and to have it in himself to take care of other people. There is no reason to go about behaving like you were ousted, because you weren’t. You still have power, so we think it’s fair to expect a guy to act like it.

* * *

Tweet the author @catedeleon