Dear future baby of Kimye
You may find it odd that I’m writing to you. But since the announcement of your gestation has all but overshadowed news of America possibly going over the fiscal cliff and down the fiscal toilet, it shouldn’t come as a complete shock. Jessica Simpson isn’t so fond of you right now. Because of your imminent arrival, suddenly no one cared about her second baby bump. I hope you don’t mind that I’ve given you such a lazy, uninspired name. There is, of course, a wittier option, which I’ll share in a bit.
We all know that this is only the beginning of a low-key, drama-free pregnancy. Two evenings before your presence was finally acknowledged at a show in Atlantic City, your father, whom fans refer to as Yeezy, Weezy or Cheezy — I’ve lost track since I stopped following his music career in 2008 — dressed up as crystal-encrusted sperm, thanks to Maison Martin Margiela’s bedazzled hockey mask contraption. From what I’ve read in the blogs, he is quite the understated gentleman, your dad.
Your mom is likewise a media-shy shrinking violet. I suggest that you cover your tiny ears, but it’s so weird to think that your mother has sex even when the public isn’t watching. Who knew? Is the tape of your conception for sale yet? At least she’s finally on the family way with a man she’s been with for less than a year while still legally married to her 72-day basketball player husband. It looks like Mrs. Humphries is getting everything she’s pretended she’s always wanted. Let’s see if you’ll get her real nose.
I can tell that the tasteful clan into which you will be born is so immensely proud of you, their latest bundle of joy and narcissism. With all the restraint she could muster your Aunt Khloe tweeted, “Keeping secrets is hard with so many family members! Especially when you are so freaking excited!!!!! LOVE is everything!!!!†And by LOVE — in all caps, naturally — she means publicity.
You’ll be glad to know that your Grandma Kris, following tradition, has your future mapped out already. After your birth six months from now, she will be one step closer to fulfilling her plan for the Kardashian name to dominate the tabloids until you and your cousins Mason and Penelope have children and grandchildren of your own. By then, your Uncle Rob should still be struggling with weight and identity issues.
As I mentioned earlier, your potential celebrity offspring playgroup will echo with interesting names. While the Royal Fetus, Prince William and Duchess Kate’s little one, will be your default monarch, it’s Jay-Z and Beyoncé’s daughter you’ll ultimately want on your side. With that in mind, do not let your mom and dad name you something that starts with a K, as that is horrifyingly clichéd. For sheer originality, whether you are a boy, a girl or both, human or otherwise, Bluer Ivy sounds about right.
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