R.I.P. ‘TWILIGHT’ (2008-2012)

MANILA, Philippines - Here lies a stupid lamb and a sad, masochistic lion.

For half a decade, the world has been pining over Edward and Bella, the star-crossed lovers that originated from a Mormon housewife’s twisted daydreams. Two billion dollars worth of tickets and 493 minutes of heavy breathing later, we have finally arrived at the end of everything.

While Twi-Hards across the globe are weeping over the gaping hole that the Twilight saga is leaving in their hearts, Supreme pokes a wooden stick at the rotten carcass of a Hollywood moneymaker and brings you the things that make the Twilight saga so bad… that it’s actually pretty good.

All glitter, no filler

Probably the best and worst thing about the series is the ridiculous plot that actually sold millions and millions of books. Stephenie Meyer, the bored housewife-turned-literary sensation basically wrote four books about a weird girl and a blood-sucking disco ball. If there’s anything that appeals well to kids, it’s weird kids. Instead of a lightning-shaped scar, Bella Swan smells really, really good to vampires and likes to take care of cactuses. Naturally, this is attractive to Edward Cullen, so he then proceeds to look constipated whenever Bella’s around, until they fall truly, madly, deeply in love. And that’s it.

In the second movie, Bella tries to stop Edward from stripping in public and do as the Romans don’t. Eclipse is a two-hour-long tug of war between a vampire and a wolf. Breaking Dawn Pt. 1 is part wedding video, part celebrity sex scandal, and part bizzaro episode of Discovery Channel’s Maternity Ward. Also: Jacob falls in love with a baby. The last film in the franchise features an epic battle to ensure that Jacob gets his baby bride. This paragraph alone has saved you from 10 hours of excruciating pain watching the entire saga. You’re welcome.

R. Patz, K. Stew,and the whole crew

What the Twilight series lacked in the story department, they made up for in talent. Before all of this, Kristen Stewart was just Jodie Foster’s daughter in Panic Room and Robert Pattinson was just Cedric Diggory. Without Twilight, their careers would’ve flatlined in an instant which is a sad thing considering that both Stewart and Pattinson are solid actors. In a post-Twilight world, we get Stewart showing her breasts while playing with Cassady and Kerouac’s stick shifts in On The Road, while Pattinson gets to ride a snazzy limousine and cavort with sexy specimens in David Cronenberg’s batsh*t crazy adaptation of Don DeLillo’s Cosmopolis. It’s deathly obvious in their interviews that they really don’t give a damn that they’re in this franchise.

Much like the stars, the directors involved were considered odd choices at first. Catherine Hardwicke, who directed the near-perfect cautionary indie drama Thirteen, got her big break with Twilight only to end up directing the car crash known as Red Riding Hood. Academy Award-winning director Bill Condon orchestrated the end of the series. Even the chick who wrote the screenplay of all the films won a Peabody award for Dexter. No matter how crappy the Twilight films are, it did give a chance to Hollywood hopefuls who needed more attention. But the biggest winner would have to be Summit Entertainment, once a home video-releasing production outfit and now a multibillion-peso force to be reckoned with. Congrats on milking money from the 12-year-old and cougar demographic.

Generating hipsters

One powerful aspect of the entire saga can be summarized in two words: Alexandra Patsavas. Her discerning musical taste helped craft a series of soundtracks that is actually better than the films. Patsavas, mostly known for her work on influential TV shows like The O.C. and Grey’s Anatomy laid out her skills well with her involvement in the series. Suddenly, your 12-year-old sister is jamming to Bon Iver and Grizzly Bear. While this might turn off some music fans (Death Cab for Cutie on the New Moon OST? What a nightmare.), it still paved the way for a lot of independent artists to break into the mainstream consciousness.

Scoff as much as you want over the fact that your favorite indie artist is being played on Top 40 radio, but seeing St. Vincent on a major motion picture soundtrack is still better than seeing yet another Katy Perry disaster.

Be my baby

Although you spend an awful amount of time watching Edward and Bella stare into each other’s eyes and trample Jacob Black’s furry heart, Jacob one-ups them towards the end by falling in love with their human-vampire CGI baby.

It truly is a pivotal moment in cinema. This won’t happen anywhere else.

Twi-Hard: With a vengeance

In the end, the entirety of the Twilight saga is nothing but fan-service. Non-fans have no place in this tight universe of fans/perpetual virgins. You can’t really blame the fans, though. While they may seem delusional and borderline psychotic, Twi-Hards still managed to push this tiny blip on the Hollywood radar into the mainstream consciousness. While the plight of Bella Swan might seem unappealing to the general populace, there’s still a massive following that exists in this universe of forbidden and everlasting love. As long as there are rabid teenagers, there will be Twilight.

There are reports that Meyer and the people at Summit are planning to extend the series even without the lead stars. If George Lucas can do it with Star Wars, then there’s no doubt that Meyer can milk more money from lust-thirsty teenagers. For now, let’s enjoy the peace and quiet that only a world without Twilight can bring.

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Tweet the author @JunellHernando.