Supreme's Olympic dream team
MANILA, Philippines -Here’s a fact: Since our Olympic debut in 1924, the Philippines has only won a total of nine medals two silver medals and seven bronze ones. Eighty-eight years and 19 Olympic events and still no gold. While we remain hopeful for our athletes in London right now, we still can’t help but wonder whether we’re sending the wrong people for the competition. In the spirit of journalistic integrity (and sheer jolog-raphy), Supreme lists down some of the best personalities from the Pinoy pop stratosphere who can definitely bring home the liempo.
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Wrestling - Raymart Santiago and Claudine Barretto “The Tulfonators”
Sadly, there’s no tag team wrestling for this year’s Summer Olympics, but husband and wife Raymart and Claudine knows how to put a Tulfo on a lockdown. Perhaps they can channel their collective aggression towards fellow Olympic contestants instead of flight crew attendants. And how are we going to make sure that they bring home laurels? Simple: Make sure that their baggage gets lost en route to London.
Fencing - Annabelle ‘Monster Mom’ Rama
While we’ve lost track of how many slander and defamation cases Annabelle Rama has lined up in her repository, we do know one thing: she can definitely fence using a mic stand. Whether it’s on Twitter, in front of the camera, or at Dolphy’s wake, this monster mom knows when to shed her delicadeza all for the glory of her family. We’re just worried that instead of fencing against the competition, Rama might attack the press in the venue instead.
Dressage - Vice ‘The Unkabogable’ Ganda
Have you ever seen a horse riding a horse? Neither have we. For the first time in Olympic history, we can make this come true by shipping Vice Ganda to London. The Unkabogable star who holds the distinction of having the highest-grossing Filipino film of all time can also speak to horses because they share the same gene pool. The good thing about this is that if the horse refuses to cooperate, then Vice Ganda can either kill the horse with sarcasm, or better yet, compete as the horse. Go lang ng gold.
SAILING - Christopher ‘The Malinformed’ Lao
Now that Christopher Lao had passed the bar exams, maybe we could pass him the baton to compete for this year’s sailing competition. A year ago, Lao, obviously not informed by anyone, drove his car towards the waist-high flood, thus a meme was born. All he needs is a dream and wind to carry him, and soon he will be free. If Christopher Lao can successfully maneuver his car through the flood, then he can definitely succeed in sailing. If not, he can always win the medal for Best Baktong.
Hammer throw - Renato ‘The Thorminated’ Corona
Give a small boy a hammer, and he will find that everything he encounters needs pounding. Give former Chief Justice Renato Corona a gavel, and he will make his statement of assets and liabilities disappear. While “ugly politics” may or may not have prevailed, after 44 days of bickering and impeachment hijinks, we just can’t wait to watch CJ don a kilt and throw his hammer of justice whilst screaming “Freedom!”
Boxing - Mayor Sara ‘F**k the Police’ Duterte
When she’s not busy watching her dad feed swindlers their fake land titles, Davao Mayor Sara Duterte treats incompetent police officers as her punching bags. Forget Onyok Velasco because this million-peso baby can definitely out-Girlfight even the likes of Michelle Rodriguez. With her fists of glory and the Davao Death Squad behind her back, absolutely no one can smack this b**ch up.
Olympic trampolining - Viva Hot Babes
Four words: Girls jumping on trampolines. Although, judging by the condition of Katya Santos and Maui Taylor’s bodies these days, their jugs aren’t the only things that you will see jiggling during the competition. Baka mabutas yung trampoline, bro. But hey, look at the bright side: at least we’re sure that we’re sending real heavyweights for the competition. Boom tiyaya, boom yeah yeah.
Synchronized swimming - The cast of T.G.I.S.
Picture this: As the cheesy opening synths to Gary V.’s Growing Up erupts, you see Peachy, Wacks, Cris, Kiko, Micky, JM, Mitch, and Rain swimming towards each other, forming a circle of trust and friendship in the middle of an Olympic-sized pool. Hey man, if they can battle a wild boar in a deserted island and escape a shark attack, they can do synchronized swimming. And if you’re asking why not the cast of Tabing Ilog? Excuse me, but can they swim deeper than knee-high waters? Does Rovic even own a yacht? I think not.
