Confessions of a Chinese hacker

MANILA, Philippines - Several Philippine government websites were recently taken down by Chinese hackers. More importantly, the PhilStar website was hacked in a similar fashion last Friday. This author was tasked with tracking down and interviewing the mastermind behind all these attacks, who unimaginatively hides behind the name “Chinese Hacker.” (Seriously? You could’ve called yourself “Cyberhawk” or something and we would’ve totally published it.)

SUPREME: So you guys hacked a bunch of government websites.

Yes, we broke into your precious government websites and replaced all of them with posters asserting our ancient territorial right over Scarborough Shoal and other parts of your country.

You fiends! To strike at the majestic websites erected by our beloved government! To defile the very standards of our glorious Republic! Have you no heart?

We are but people too, like yourself, but we do what we must to…

Whoa, hey. I was being, like, super sarcastic.

What?

Yeah, with the whole old-timey phrasing and the overdramatic… whatever. Look, nobody visits these websites you hacked. I’m pretty sure they’ve had about 10 total since the start of the Internet.

Maybe, but…

Did you even look at those sites before you hacked them? They’re all just… sad. They’re like dead puppies in website form. If there were a website dedicated to pointing out all the ways you’ve disappointed your friends’ and family’s expectations, that website would be happier than our government websites. 

I’m pretty sure something like that already exists.

Probably. Also, PAG-ASA? Seriously? We have literally two kinds of weather in the Philippines. I don’t see why you would even bother. Anyway, my point is, nobody really cares that you took these websites down. In fact, I don’t think anybody would care if you took any other website down. Because hacking websites to resolve a territorial dispute is about as effective as Liking a Facebook page to end hunger in Africa. People seem to like doing it, and I guess it feels pretty good inside, but ultimately it’s nothing but showboating.

So you don’t care at all that we took Philstar.com down?

Our website was pretty awesome though, so f**k you. But you had it for 10 minutes and nothing came out of it. You could have at least changed our lay-out while you were there.

Your site does look good on Internet Explorer 3.

Still, you hacked it with this sweet photo of the Chinese flag with the island Photoshopped in the middle, and angry text all over... That looked pretty epic. Good job.

Are you seriously congratulating us for hacking your employer’s website?

Yes. It was an awesome poster.

Why, I’m not used to praise. I don’t quite know how to react. The only reward I got for hacking into these websites was a beating from the Party. They stripped me, tied me up to a chair, and left me starving for 13 days. At least they didn’t fry my penis this time, but…

Please stop crying.

No, thank you for your words of praise. It reminds me of my dear precious mother, who I haven’t seen in a year. She used to praise me all the time. And… I miss my mommy. I really miss my mommy. Can you help me find my mommy please?

How old are you?

Nine.

Okay… we have to go.

No, please don’t go. I’ll make you an iPhone!