Supreme Celebrity Deathmatches

MANILA, Philippines - If throwing shade is not enough save the last shred of dignity you’re clinging to, you might as well pull off a Claudine Barretto and go Chuck Norris on your own Mon Tulfo. As a spectacle of strength and grrl power, that viral video of Claudine Barretto, in a shrill pink top, no less, beating the living daylights out of Mon Tulfo has diminished careers (or what’s left of them) and upset the machismo of some of the men involved. Whatever excuses and alibis both parties may come up with, the issue has certainly proved that a display of barbarity and tactlessness will always get people talking like hungry dogs rooting for more bloodshed.

While violence is never the route to go to under any circumstances, people do still love a great fistfight. Gloves on or off, the idea of a celebrity deathmatch is better than a snot-filled talk show confession to settle celebrity beef. It’s always a PR nightmare when some celebutard loses their cool within shooting sight of a camera phone-toting citizen so why not opt for a ringside match once and for all?

MTV, blessed by the glory of the ’90s, mined this with their claymation show, “Celebrity Deathmatch” which pitted claymated versions of pop stars, athletes and other Z-list celebrities as they fought to the death. Its excessive gore and pun-laden trash talking has made some memorable fights including Michael Jackson vs Madonna, Jim Carey vs. Mariah Carey, and Ashlee Simpson vs. her old nose. Too bad it only lasted six seasons.

Now that local celebrity brawls are raining left and right (Albie Casino vs Andi Eigenmann, Charice vs Mo Twister, to name a few), it would definitely be fun if these celebs duked it out, no holds barred. It’ll certainly be a refreshing watch instead of watching some of these actors crinkle their face and call it ‘acting’. Punching an irritating celebrity on the face? Much better.

Here are some interesting bouts that you’d want to watch out for just in case they take this suggestion seriously.

Sarah Geronimo vs Rachel Ann Go

Since emerging as winners of the now defunct talent search Star for a Night, there has been an unspoken rivalry between Sarah Geronimo (the show’s first winner) and Rachel Ann Go (second season winner). Sarah has never been one to lose her cool over showbiz gossip, maintaining her pristine image as the local pop scene’s princess and Rachel Ann’s career never really took off. Despite her talent, Rachel Ann has always found herself compared with Sarah given their talent search pedigree. Just in case Sarah decides to chuck her cutesy image out the window, a fight with Rachel Ann would certainly an interesting watch, especially with Sarah’s pent up rage over years of ridiculous showbiz gossip.

Cristy Fermin vs Lolit Solis

The reigning queens of talk shows should be the first ones in the producer’s mind when they come up with the deathmatch concept. It’s not actually more about the beef between these two ladies but more on the public’s hatred and need to see some eye-gouging action. Cristy Fermin has called out a long list of actors and actresses in her career and even called Marian Rivera pigsa. Lolit Solis on the other hand has a heftier list of controversies that makes her one of the most notorious figures of the local entertainment business. If these two indeed agree to claw off each other’s faces, the winner will certainly be talked about for two days on Twitter and Pinoy Exchange forums for two days tops.

Mario Bautista vs Carla Abellana

In an incident last year, entertainment writer Mario Bautista castigated Carla Abellana in front of other showbiz reporters after the actress complained misattribution of quotes which Bautista used for his article about Abellana and Lovi Poe. The quotes, according to Bautista, came from Regal Films’ PR department but the actress denied anything that Bautista attributed to her. As Bautista ranted about writing nothing but good things about the actress, Abellana didn’t pull a Claudine and remained calm the entire time. Abellana has showed her acting chops on Jerrold Tarog’s brilliant Shake Rattle and Roll 12 segment Punerarya (arguably the best SRR film ever) where Abellana burned down an aswang lair and refused to take sh*t from anyone else. Will Abellana saw off Bautista’s limbs on a square off? There’s a big chance that she’ll do.

Jackie Lou Blanco vs Vina Morales

Jackie Lou Blanco and Vina Morales may have been vikings or gladiators in their past lives. These two actresses may not have iconic roles that they’ll be remembered by but they’ll surely earn their place in the local pop culture pantheon by muscling out wimpy starlets and ‘hunks’ with their Ms. Olympia-ready bods. So it’s really hard to take them seriously whenever they look paawa in teleseryes, especially knowing that they can take you out by just a brush of an arm. Maybe if Claudine Barretto took bodybuilding tips from these two, Mon Tulfo wouldn’t have even thought of taking her pictures in the first place.