Best of the Week: HBICs, 'woohoos,' and Lilo

I Love You PETA! Award: Lady Gaga at the VMAs

MANILA, Philippines - Lady Gaga must love MTV after winning a record 8 VMAs. Mother Monster became very emotional at the VMAs last week when she thanked her fans for the awards she garnered. Wearing a meat dress fresh from the farms of her hometown, Gaga shocked her party homies and solicited some raised eyebrows from the carnivore nazis at PETA. Though looking like she put bacon and sirloin strips together to make a gown, Lady Gaga’s little monsters applauded the gown. Professionals from the medical field meanwhile pondered the fact that fresh meat is used as a cure for scabies and herpes.

Premature Ejaculation of the Week: Lindsay Lohan’s comeback

We know she likes meat coming at her, but this is maybe going too far.

Straight out of the Hugh Grant playbook, Lindsay Lohan went on this week’s MTV Video Music Awards to make fun of herself in a skit with host Chelsea Handler. “You think anyone wants to work with a drunk? Take it from me — they don’t,” Firecrotch tells Chelsea, in a pre-show video. The thing is, Lindsay, it’s not ironic to poke fun at your washed-up alcoholic persona when you are still a washed-up alcoholic.

Crybaby of the Week: Taylor Swift

Taylor Swift is making quite a reputation for herself. Mess with this HBIC and have all of pre-teendom sing about you on the way to Chuckie Cheese. At the VMAs, Taylor reminded people to not dare get all up on her woohoo, when she debuted a song directed at Kanye West and last year’s VMA snafu. In a move that was both pathetic and savvy, Taylor deemed Kanye still an “innocent” despite stealing her mic last year. Taylor, to quote a famous tweet, he stole your mic, not your virginity. Get over it.

Scientific Finding of the Week: The scientific approach to HBIC

By way of eulogizing “the dying animal that is the Diva,” The Awl’s Jay Caspian Kang and his crack team of consultants, statisticians, and graphic designers has assembled the ultimate diva face-off. Using relevant criteria like “stank” and “weight fluctuations,” Jay and his team were able to find the greatest diva of the last 25 years. But in this competition, everyone is so damn fabulous there are no losers — perhaps, except for Jordin Sparks. “We included Jordin Sparks as a control,” Jay writes, “because Jordin Sparks sucks and sucks in a really boring way, she could provide a necessary context for how a really boring, shitty singer might rate out on the scale.”

Twitter Hoax of the Week: The Drake-Nicki union

Perhaps because she publicly announced that her woohoo tastes like cake, Drake chose Nicki Minaj to become his lawfully-wedded Twitter wife. The pair recently tweeted about getting married, only to out themselves for joking after. But it’s all fun and games until someone’s mother breaks a hip. In this case, the number one lady in Drake’s life told him off for marrying without telling her first.

Biglang-Kabig Award: Merceditas Gutierrez

“The Ombudsman is unfazed and is ready to answer...” Strong and confident words coming from the Office of the Ombudsman a day after two impeachment cases were approved by the Congress. Seven days later, Merceditas Gutierrez does a hairpin turn and requests the Supreme Court to issue a Temporary Restraining Order on the cases, preventing any impeachment from materializing. Why so then, if she was confident? What happened with her being unfazed? Is Rolando Mendoza haunting her? Or is she haunting him?

Apparition of the Week: Iñigo Pascual

Speaking of haunting and apparition, this week, a sighting was reported that could rival that of Big Foot’s. Iñigo Pascual visited dad Piolo on the set of the teleserye Noah, enjoying behind-the-scenes bonding with his father. Finally proving his flesh-and-blood existence, Iñigo stayed on the set long enough to get some camera time, recording enough footage to prove his existence.

Miss Demeanor 2010: Marian Rivera

After an array of controversies barring her from immaculate superstar status, here comes another one. Newcomer Bela Padilla has raised allegations of threats and comfort room detention against the Pinay Marimar, saying she has received a fair share of demoralizing words from Marian. Sans the drugs and sex, Marian Rivera might as well be the Paris Hilton of Pinoy showbiz-dom.

Sourgrape of the Week: Jesinta Campbell

The Miss Universe fever has died down and everybody else has moved on. Venus Raj is back in the Philippines and is busy eating chicken wings, while the queer queens led by Veejay Floresca have all went on with their day jobs. So what is this backstage sabotage that Miss Australia Jesinta Campbell is claiming? In a radio interview, the Aussie stunner revealed that her evening gown was peppered with pins, scratching her back when she wore it during the coronation night. When asked who the culprit most likely was, Jesinta did not pinpoint exactly who her suspects are, but hinted countries from Latin America, and India and the Philippines. Venus Raj has denied the issue already, claiming she would never make a major major mistake to a pageant friend.