Man About Awesome: Crying men, pirates, and the art of male-on-male hugging

MANILA, Philippines - After the last article on how to be awesome, men far and wide sent me their letters asking me to help them. Now, as a God-appointed fountain of awesomeness, I consider it my duty to share with those in need. So, here is your weekly fix.

Hi! My girlfriend says I cry too much. Are there instances where it’s perfectly acceptable for men to cry? — Jhun-jhun

Crying is pretty much taboo for men. It’s a symbol of the loss of your manhood and dignity. But men do cry. Even the manliest men cry, but only in acceptable circumstances. Here are instances where you can sneak off a tear or two:

• Moments when you go, “FFFFUUUUU!!”

• Your team winning a championship.

• Your team losing the championship.

• When Bruce Willis dies in Armageddon. Or when listening to its soundtrack.

• When you win that Colt 45 weekend trip with Cristine Reyes.

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I’m a 25-year-old wuss who doesn’t know the meaning of manly. I’m afraid of the sunlight and I piss in my pants. What should I do to become truly manly? — Gaylord

I propose that you do the most obvious solution. Become a pirate. It’s a well-known fact that burly pirates are the manliest beings who ever walked, or rather, sailed and pillaged, the earth. Pirates, in all their glorious sweat and overgrown hair, represent what being a real man is all about. Here’s why:

• Only pirates and Samuel L. Jackson can wear eye patches.

• Rum. No chaser.

• Before bro and pare, international friend speak for starting a sentence was “Aaarrgghh matey!!”

• A pirate sings the Spongebob theme song.

• Pirates got booty long before black dudes did.

• Never mess with Pirate Batman. Pirate Batman: “I’m Batman. I kick butt.” Pirate: “No shit.” Pirate Batman: … (see figure 2)

For inquiries, the main pirate office is located at Greenhills and Metrowalk.

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Help me! My friends always try to avoid me when I try to hug them. Am I doing the man hug the right way? Should I even do it in the first place? Help! — Mandy

Fist bumps and handshakes are the staple social interaction between guys. But for more emotional celebrations, man hugs come into play. In order to execute the perfect man hug, here’s what you must do:

1. Approach friend. Give firm handshake. Or fist bump. Or secret hip-hop handshake.

2. While still in handshake position, lean in and put hand on the back of bro.

3. Make sure to maintain the “A-frame” position where only your shoulders touch his. Keep head level and facing his. Any more touching of body parts aside from shoulders and arms is deemed awkward.

4. Tap back of friend two to three times. Give congratulatory remark.

5. Let go. Note: Never slide hands over friend in a lingering manner.

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Send your questions to feedback@supreme.ph.