Forever our girl in a moment like this

MANILA, Philippines - Dear Paula, 

 This is unexpected, we know. After years of making fun of your slurred, vaguely drunken speech, sequined half-gloves, and seal-like clapping, we find ourselves watching this season’s Idol finale and kind of wishing you were back in the judges’ table, just like the old times. 

On a telecast that had already showcased everything wrong with the current season — the lackluster contestants (butchering Christina Aguilera and Alice Cooper this time), “funny” skits (Dane Cook, true to form, being severely unfunny), technical gaffes (Seacrest’s mic left open through the first part of Kris Allen’s performance) — you came out smelling like a rose ... or at least looking like a rose. That bulbous pink number was certainly a sight. 

When you walked out onstage, we were reminded of the Paula we knew and loved — the nice aunt who isn’t always honest but is always sincerely nice, the aunt who calls you “handsome” just because she knows it’ll make you feel better. But of course, Paula Abdul is Paula Abdul. Just in case the moment was getting a little too regal for Idoldome, you brought back the incoherent babbling, mangling a gay Seacrest joke (“I want my lipgloss back”) and then saying something about a baby and feeding. 

But the thing is, we missed that. We missed hearing about “the colors and textures” of the human voice, the “shining from within like a beam of light into my soul,” and “you are who you are.” Most of all, we missed that you seemed to really give a damn about the contestants, above and beyond your paycheck. 

But that’s where we’re wrong, aren’t we? You jumped ship because they wouldn’t give you more money. 

But who can blame you, really? Simon’s making a gazillion dollars being a surly man with attention whore moobs and they can’t even give you credit for staying sober enough to give your critiques. It takes skill and control to chug down those glasses of Coke and be able to, in your words, dance like there’s no tomorrow. And those sequined half-gloves just don’t pay for themselves. 

I guess what we’re saying is, we need you back on Idol. We need you like Ruben Studdard needs Subways, the way Keanu Reeves needed you in the Rush Rush video. When you said the show wouldgo on without Simon, we hope you meant it. So take the pay cut for us, for the contestants, for Ryan Seacrest’s spray tan budget; it’s not like you’re doing anything else anyway. 

This is a show that needs saving. Tonight felt like a series finale, the final nail in the Idol coffin. But with that beaming smile of yours and the many colors of the human voice only you can hear, we know anything is possible in a moment like this, when you’re flying without wings. 

Love, 

Disgruntled Idol viewers 

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PAULA ABDUL’S GREATEST HITS

She was flighty and incoherent but also exactly what the contestants and Idol viewers needed. With Paula, this campy, often ridiculous show allowed itself to laugh at itself. 

• On David Archuleta’s “Imagine” performance: ”David, you are ridiculous. I want to squish you, squeeze your head off, and dangle you from my rear-view mirror.” [Note: Tone and body language say she meant this as a compliment] 

• On Justin Guarini’s Let’s Stay Together performance: “I have two words to say to you: “Phe” and “nomenal.”

• On Elliot Yamin’s A Song For You performance: *sobbing* 

• On Kimberley Locke’s Inseperable performance: ”You’re the perfect mix of a diamond. You’re sparkling and you’re smooth as silk. You just really cut to the very heart.”