Elections 2010: The aftermath

MANILA, Philippines - A whistleblower has surfaced with claims that he orchestrated mass electoral fraud during the recent elections. He said votes were digitally shaved and padded to make paying candidates win. He was almost believable until he mentioned that votes were shaved from presidential candidate Jamby Madrigal. Everyone knows nobody voted for Jamby.

• Host Willie Revillame has a plan to win back his own game show, which he lost to actor Robin Padilla last week. He will join as one of the contestants and hope that the prize under the Cash Bukas segment will be “your very own game show.” Unfortunately, he will have to wait until the show makes a call for contestants composed of people who got a failing grade in conduct.

• Smartmatic boss Cesar Flores is causing waves on the Internet when he publicly declared during an interview with Karen Davila that he is still single. His inbox was immediately flooded with proposals for a “joint-venture.” So far, the gentleman from Venezuela has not yet announced if there is already a winning bidder. 

• Defeated candidates Jamby Madrigal, JC De los Reyes, and Nicanor Perlas have banded together and stated that they would open up a new website to gather proof of election anomalies. The three apparently refuse to let their 15 minutes of fame expire so quickly. Talks of producing a sex tape have also been discussed.

• The Philippines truly is a country full of surprises. Where else can you find not only tweeting PCOS machines but talking koala bears as well? COMELEC tried unsuccessfully to get this koala bear to remove his mask and reveal himself. Unfortunately, TV host TJ Manotoc is currently out of the country and could not facilitate this particular unveiling. 

• A party-mate of President Gloria Macapagal-Arroyo has stated that PGMA is not interested in becoming the next Speaker of the House. He went on to state that PGMA has been consistent in that her only interest is the Presidency. 

• In an unexpected twist, some Filipinos are now rooting for boxer Floyd Mayweather to beat Manny Pacquiao, if the upcoming match of the two pushes through. Apparently, these Filipinos look forward to seeing someone fulfill their dreams of beating up a politician with no legal repercussions.

• Incoming President Noynoy Aquino is still determined to not take his oath before newly appointed Chief Justice Renato Corona. Sources close to Mr. Aquino revealed that Noynoy does not wish to undergo a “crowning with thorns.”

• It has been a tough week for international teen popstar sensation Justin Bieber. First, Twitter changed its algorithm for its trending topics to ensure that the topics listed there remain “fresh.” Then Robin Padilla managed to out-trend Bieber’s name from that list when the local idol appeared in Wowowee last Saturday. The final nail in the coffin arrived when even restaurant Jollibee managed to get Bieber’s name off Twitter’s trending topic, after a brief cameo of the restaurant was shown on the TV show Glee. Bieber was last seen talking intently with a man dressed as a koala bear. 

• And finally, Malacañang announced that they do not believe presidential candidate Gibo Teodoro was cheated during the last elections. In this regard, the experts are probably right.