What would Paris Hilton do?

It was 2004 — a more innocent time in history, comparatively speaking. We were all going about our young-people business — watching The OC and, like, totally listening to Death Cab For Cutie — when out of nowhere, a video headlining Paris Hilton and then-boyfriend Rick Salomon made its presence felt and threatened to scar us all for life. Captured in eerie night-vision green, this piece of amateur erotica surfaced right before the debut of The Simple Life, Hilton’s reality series with then-husky BFF Nicole Richie. The blatant bone-jumping symbolized the union of marketing and mischief, marking yet another path on which celebrities could tread on their way to role-model hell: porn.

But five years after 1 Night In Paris cached itself into our collective memory — call it a real-life meme — it seems that certain individuals haven’t learned anything. Yes. From Kim Kardashian to Verne Troyer, other familiar names have shared a small kinship with the supposed hotel heiress, so much so that celebrity sex scandals have encroached upon hoi polloi territory. Like the Internet and STDs, explicit materials involving the popular — and the not-so — are gifts that, unfortunately, keep on giving.

Multiple Mediagasm

In our own backyard, the digital debacle involving Hayden Kho and a string of loose ladies has gone from slow-news item to multiple mediagasm. Temporarily distracting an audience so jaded it could fall asleep with its eyes open, the bedroom behavior of the horn-dog doctor has been made available to those for which it was not supposedly intended. Cue the LOLs.

You know that Pinoys aren’t taking things seriously anymore when they come up with a Facebook quiz called “Which Hayden Kho Video Are You?” or dissect the cinematography — or lack thereof — of the aforementioned clips. As party-pooping politicians latch onto the Hayden Camera bandwagon like pubic lice on pubes, the more rational among us choose a less heavy-handed take on the matter — a rear entry, if you will. The smart ones are ready to move on from the tawdriness of it all, after one final karaoke death match rendition of Careless Whisper, of course.

So, is Hayden Kho merely Paris Hilton with a peen and a Pinoy passport? The similarities are there: Both are in their late 20s, both are famous for dubious reasons, and both are up there in Google Trends. He has proven that he’s an expert at hiding video equipment, but what else can Hayden do to milk the publicity?

Hayden = Paris?

First, he should take control of the product. He may have been dumb enough to give copies away to alleged friends, but the ex-dermatologist can still produce and distribute higher-end versions of his raunchy romps. With a little editing and post-production work — he could introduce each chapter, for example — his DVDs could rake in a tidy sum.

Next, he should prepare a series of products or ventures to pimp post-scandal. Paris Hilton had a TV show to plug, which led to a fragrance, a nightclub chain, a “music” CD, a memoir, and a clothing line. For his part, Hayden could come up with a line of spy paraphernalia (again, Hayden Camera), instructional videos for dogs, or soap dispensers. Being unemployed is a bummer so it’s time to think like an entrepreneur.

Last, while the masses can be mean, they can also be very forgiving. Hayden should wait for all this to blow over before attempting a comeback. If and when he returns, he could run for office and give Bong Revilla some competition. On the other hand, he could also re-emerge as a “woman” and generate buzz like BB Gandanghari. Whatever he does, he should remember to stay in shape. One thing that will definitely hurt his chance at theoretically revitalizing his career in the future is looking paunchy.

Anyway, as the annoyingly resilient Paris Hilton has shown over and over again, there’s life after a sex tape. Hayden Kho just needs to brace himself for the funny stares, inevitable punchlines, and never-ending sarcasm.