Mr. Answer Guy

What did guys do before the existence of men’s magazines? Who did they consult to offer them all the correct steps that needed to be taken to become guys? From whom did they learn how to shave correctly and how to tell single malt whiskies apart?

Guys need guidance in the ways of guyness just as junior Jedi need preschool training to learn the ways of the Force. Now, in this age of strange, overlapping male rules — where beards are “in” one week, “out” the next, and “dad bods” somehow allow Seth Rogen to pass as sexy — you’ve got to wonder how the average dude is supposed to pass muster. Well, we offer a few simple answers to common guy questions that we’d like to pass along. You’re welcome, bro.

1Should I get a haircut from a barber whose haircut I don’t respect?

This is a very important guy question. If you’ve ever had doubts about the dome on the dude who’s descending upon you with scissors and clippers, you may want to consider the barber’s personal taste. If his haircut resembles any of the haircuts worn by any of the characters in Star Wars: The Phantom Menace, then you may want to request a backup barber. If he is sporting a handlebar mustache, a soul patch, Wolverine sideburns, mullet, rattail or any combination of the above, be wary; in general, anything harking back to hair choices of the late ‘90s is probably gonna be a mistake.
Actually, there are more important factors to consider about your barber than tonsorial preferences, such as personal hygiene: regard said barber’s fingernails — are they clean and spiffy?; facial hair and personal cologne (if any) are also markers of the quality of your barber. Clean hands should be high on your checklist.

2 How much should I care about social media?

You should not care a damn, as some Filipinos would say. Males and social media should keep a fairly wide berth. Or actually, you should act as though you don’t care. Merely fling those photos online, as though tossing away an Oh! Henry candy bar wrapper; dash off your posts manfully and pithily, and without much attention to grammar or reflection; only check on reactions to your posts in private, secretly, and avoid responding with emoticons, except for the occasional eye-wink, rendered as ;). And for God’s sake, food goes in your mouth, not on Instagram.

3 Does the ability to change a tire make you a man?

Let’s be clear: changing a tire is not rocket science, and it doesn’t, ipso facto, make you a man. There are mitigating factors that can make it way more challenging and manful, such as changing said tire in the breakdown lane of EDSA, or being in a pit crew during an F-1 race. But changing a tire is simply one of those “rites of passages” that most males should experience, for a number of reasons: 1) it teaches you how to handle a simple mechanical task under less-than-optimal circumstances, such as traffic whizzing by at 90 kph; 2) it gives you a sense of accomplishment, albeit fleeting; 3) it offers you a sense of mastery over some element in life, in a world where such gratification is not always available; 4) it raises your pogi points among the people stuck in said vehicle as you remove the lug nuts, insert the jack, raise the axle and successfully attach the spare. Doing so, you have created a fairly visual simulation of being a virile, can-do male; plus, 5) you don’t want to be asking your wife/girlfriend/mother-in-law to change the tire. That sh*t will never fly.

And yet, it’s amazing how many guys do not know how to change a tire. Turning away from a challenge such as changing a tire — which, given the huge shifts in modern technology, is a task that really hasn’t changed much in over a hundred years — will probably leave you in the cold when it comes to the vast network of even more complicated things that require even more mastery and can-do initiative.

4 Should I be able to handle getting a massage from a guy?

Sometimes, you will find yourself in a situation where a masseur is a dude, rather than a female. This really shouldn’t matter, for a great number of reasons. When the actual massage is taking place, you are entrusted to a pair of hands, not a gender, so whatever the masseur does when the lights are low is more about the experience your tired muscles receive, rather than any preconceptions about who is doing the pressing. And of course, a male masseur can be just as skilled or effective as a female masseur. Sometimes a female masseur can display annoying traits, such as chewing gum during the massage session (which can be really distracting to the client). Or falling off the table while massaging your back (which has happened to me a couple of times). Or falling asleep while giving the massage (which happened to my sister-in-law). So, just for the sake of comparison, if you find yourself the recipient of a male massage, try to keep an open mind. And if anything transpires during that massage, such as something moving, then that’s between you and your Gender Assigner.

5 Is baseball really considered a sport? Seriously?

Probably not so much in the Philippines. Most males focus on basketball skills, despite the obvious size disparity with other basketball player-producing nations. Soccer (or “football”) is coming up among younger, upwardly-mobile Filipino families, thanks to effective marketing of the national team, despite a lack of available soccer turf.

But baseball is a hard sell in the Philippines, perhaps because of its slower pace and also because of its obsessive attention to statistics. It’s the sports fans’ equivalent of Star Wars trivia: RBIs, BBs, BAs, EQAs, HBPs and HRs may sound like droid terms from The Force Awakens, but they actually refer to runs batted in, bases on balls, batting averages, equivalent averages, hits by pitches and home runs, respectively — not exactly as sexy to Filipinos as hang times and sweet shoes. Filipinos will notice that there is plenty of time to ponder such baseball stats while sitting in the bleachers during an interminable low-scoring double-header, when even a light breeze feels like some form of action. It’s the kind of thing that made Moneyball a good movie in theory but not exactly a box office blockbuster and — despite attempts by the US at indoctrination — it’s what prevents baseball from catching fire here in the Philippines.

6 What is considered “normal” male equipment size?

Here we go again with the age-old size question. Nobody has an answer to this query that will offer anybody who would ask it any balm of comfort. Size is but one of many factors, though admittedly a sizeable one. Maybe it’s best to paraphrase Abraham Lincoln, who, when asked how tall a man should be, answered that a man should be tall enough for his legs to reach the ground.

Though if your male equipment reaches the ground, you may want to consider a career in the circus or the adult film industry.