Fearless forecasts, 2016

Yes, I know. It will be a new year soon. Frankly, I am ready to let 2015 go. Bring on 2016. 

As I have been doing the past few years, I am making my predictions for the coming year without any consultations with Madame Auring, or any other seer. I have my own methodology in predicting the future. No Tarot cards, crystal balls, tea leaves or examining animal innards. I don’t gaze at the stars either. How do I do it, then? Simple. I look at the computer screen and… I simply make it up. 

In the name of all things carelessly and irresponsibly said, I predict these events for 2016.

1) 2016 will have 365 days, 8,660 hours, 525,600 minutes before it bows out to 2017. This will be my most accurate prediction in this list.

2) Google will have a tie-up with all hospitals, clinics all over the world and will access and upload to the Internet all colonoscopy videos, X-rays, MRIs, CT scans, etc. As a result, anyone can now take a realistic look at anyone’s colon, lungs, heart, brains and practically all parts of the body on Google maps.

3) Because of the worsening traffic situation, new businesses will come up to service people stuck in their cars. These will include video rentals, karaoke, pizza delivery, Porta-lets, massages, manicures, showers, quick sex, among many other services. People will also be able to take educational courses right in their cars from teachers who will ride with them daily. For spiritual growth, inspirational speakers will be available to give lectures, and priests can hear confessions right inside people’s vehicles.

4) Super typhoons will be the new norm and will enter many countries with impunity despite very stringent immigration laws.

5) UFOs will finally land on Earth and reach out to world leaders. This will stun everyone. The aliens, as we have always suspected, will be way superior in technology. They will promise that there will be no war of the worlds or any of the kind. A great show of peace and friendship will happen. Things will seem to be all right.

But the aliens will decide to never return to Earth. After meeting world leaders, entertainers and the press, they will come to the conclusion that Earth has no “intelligent life” whatsoever.

6) Mar Roxas will win as president of the Philippines. To placate an extremely divided nation, Mar will appoint Rodrigo Duterte as the ambassador to the Vatican.

But wait. Here’s another prediction in case that does not happen.

7) President Duterte will sponsor the Ms. Universe 2017 Pageant right here in our country. The pageant franchise holders will accept the offer on one condition: that the President’s welcome greetings to the candidates will be limited to three-second handshakes. Nothing more. No hugging, no lips-to-lips kissing.

 But wait again, here’s more.

8) President Binay will start using skin whiteners, and will stop participating in boodle fights. He will start to dress fashionably. He will announce that that he is tired of acting poor now that he is president.  

9) Seeing firsthand the enormous influence beauty queens can have in swaying public opinion, Bayan Muna will resort to something truly unconventional. They will launch beauty parlors all over the country to recruit and influence potential pageant candidates. With the amount of time women spend doing their nails, for example, Bayan Muna will train their manicuristas how to discuss in a friendly way the dialectics of communism, low-intensity conflict, and why the US is The Great Satan.

10) The Miss Universe 2015 Pageant will be investigated by the CIA, FBI, the International Criminal Court and the UN and they will come to the conclusion that it was Lee Harvey Oswald alone who planned and executed the big mess. 

11) The planets will align. Absolutely nothing extraordinary will happen.

12) All the people all over the world will continue to experience sunrises and sunsets wherever they are. But due to climate change from global warming, they may have to wear heavy clothing or no clothing at all.

13) Lastly, I predict with great certainty that when you wake up on Jan. 1, 2016, you will think of 2015 as if it was only yesterday.