My inner Nostradamus speaks

It is late at night. I am fast asleep but my inner Nostradamus awakens me and urges me to write something so important that it cannot wait. And so here I am in front of my laptop picking up “divinations” sent to me from the future. I type furiously.

As I have done during the last five years, I have always ended the year or started the oncoming one with predictions. Some of them may be trivial but others, I assure you, are monumental and life-changing in scope.

In predicting the future, one must be fearless. Like all  fortune tellers, I do not wish to dwell on the petty topic of my own accuracy (or inaccuracy) in foretelling the future. But I wish to point out that I have always had the uncanny ability of predicting not so much the future, but the past with 100 percent accuracy. I saw a “vision” of  the resignation of Pope Benedict a few days after it happened.  It was on CNN.

I also “divinated” the immense popularity of “The Macarena” just last week, a dance craze that happened some 15 years ago. Never mind how late I may be in reporting, but at least I am accurate!

For whatever it’s worth, here are my predictions for 2014. Read at your own peril or salvation.

1 Malls all over the Philippines will officially ban customers and visitors from bringing hammers, wearing caps and all manner of headgear including wigs, sunglasses in response to a wave of crimes inside these shopping centers. Exemptions will only be given to those who bring three IDs, a recent X-ray, and blood, urine and stool samples.

Curiously, all VIPs will also be exempted as long as security guards recognize them. But they should not ask, “Kilala mo ba ako?’” or anything of the sort. They will also be allowed some personal protection via an umbrella over them to be held by their own assistant to signify their “stature.”

2 Kim Kardashan will have another baby in 2014. She will name the baby South East!

3 New scholarly findings will revisit and shed new light on the debunked Mayan prediction about the end of the world occurring at the end of 2012. It will be discovered that scholars have misinterpreted some of the stone carvings. In short, the world will supposedly now end at the close of 2014.

4 After Justin Bieber’s surprise visit to Tacloban, a petition will be passed around asking that he be granted Filipino citizenship. A group will then announce that they are supporting his bid for Presidency. As proof, note that JB has already announced he will be retiring from showbiz soon.

5 In a move seen by many as a brilliant stroke, Twitter and Facebook will merge and form a new religion. Analysts believe it is inevitable since the two social networks’ followers already look like they are praying when checking their sites on their smartphones. Followers will be exhorted to reach out to other people through tweeting, linking, retweeting, poking, liking, DMing, hashtagging, “favoriting,” recommending, and reposting in the hope of creating the most number of followers of any religion.

But like all religions, there will be “thou-shalt-nots” which include trolling, blocking, unliking and not following accepted social media etiquette. Instagram is expected to be converted soon adding even greater numbers of followers to the newest religion.

6 Power shortages all over the nation will continue. But they will find a solution, and it will be in Makati where excessive “power surges” continue to happen. Lately, such a surge was seen at the Banyan Gate in Dasmarinas Village, a posh subdivision where one occurred two weeks ago. Luckily the PNP were called in before anyone was hurt.

7 Kimm Jong Un’s execution of his uncle sent shivers down the spines of his enemies and shocked his nation. But in a candid display of kindness perhaps to soften his image, the venerable leader will decide to surprise everyone by showing compassion to his surviving auntie. I predict he will play cupid and pair her with Dennis Rodman.

8 Finally giving in to the increasing pressure to free Tibet and other territories it has occupied lately, China will decide to “secede” from the Dalai Lama’s homeland and the Spratlys and proclaim its own independence ending the ‘imperialism and hegemony’ of other nations over China. Foreign observers will laud this as a major diplomatic coup de grace and will praise Beijing for finding a creative solution while preserving its integrity as a nation.

9 The Olympic ruling body, in a major decision that will stun the sports world, will decide to forego all drug and sex tests for all athletes competing in Russia in the coming Olympics. Adjustments will be made in many sports, among them the weigh lifting competitions where athletes will be expected to lift 3,000 pounds for starters. Experts will  expect all existing world records to be broken in spectacular fashion.

10 Finally, everyone alive will get older, swallow, undergo cell division, inhale and exhale, expel gas and grow fingernails. 

Please note that there is no need to tweet on Twitter or post on Facebook when any of no. 10  happens.

Happy New Year, everyone.

May you still have a complete set of fingers in 2014 to count how many of these 10 prophecies will come true!