Interview with Janet Napoles on pork barrel, pork chop, lechon & flying pigs

It’s time to turn off the pork barrel spigot and deliver for our children’s future. — Bill Clinton

Pork fat rules! — Emeril Lagasse, celebrity chef and restaurateur

During typhoon Maring and partly due to numerous media reports on pork barrel, I invited two friends to lunch at a roasted pig or lechon resto in Quezon City. It was almost deserted except for one chubby female customer in dark glasses and covered with a shawl. This mystery lady approached me, said she reads the STAR, claims she is Janet Lim Napoles of pork barrel infamy and said she would grant me an exclusive interview on condition that I would “not be biased.” Here are excerpts:

PHILIPPINE STAR: Is it true what I heard, that you’re very good at karate?

Woman who claims to be Janet Lim Napoles:  Naku, not true, that’s so weird, why daw?

It’s because I heard you’re good at pork chops.

Ang corny niyo naman, Sir (You’re so corny, Sir)! Yes, I can cook sweet barbecued pork chops, honey glazed pork chops and breaded pork chops well, because my ex-military officer husband and I are good cooks, but we are not crooks!

Is it true that after this pork barrel scandal is over, you and your husband are going legit into the medicine business with a new drug?

Where did you get that nonsense tsismis (rumor)? Why daw?

I heard you’ve invented a new wonder drug called “oinkment”? Is it true you and your husband shamelessly went into the pork barrel scam because you’re often in the casinos with crooked politicos and losing big-time at your favorite game?

That’s a lie, do you know I can sue you for libel? What’s our favorite casino game daw?

Porker daw, not poker!

$^@$#$%*^@#$^%X%$%$Z#%! That’s a crude lie, and it’s not even funny!

Is it true you and your husband believe in flying pigs?

Of course not!

Then why are you denying that you and your husband connived with corrupt politicos to allegedly divert P10 billion in Priority Development Assistance Fund (PDAF) or pork barrel funds to ghost projects of your various fake NGOs?

Naku, what are you talking about? Don’t believe in ghosts, just pray! Why are you talking of flying pigs, ghost projects and fake NGOs? Do you really want to face a genuine libel suit in a real court? Help me write the truth — I’m actually the victim here.

How can you be a victim? You’re not drowning in floods like many of our citizens due to lack of flood-control infrastructures — but they say you’re drowning in pork barrel funds. Is it true sometimes you even drown in your bathtub full of cash?

Susmariosep! That’s not true! That story about cash in my bathtub is totally untrue; that’s so cheap and demeaning naman, I deal mostly in checks because I do big business deals! Also, I don’t even know what pork barrel is, I only know pork chop, pork menudo, pork pochero and pork tocino! How many kilos of pork ba in a pork barrel, I don’t know kasi?

Is the so-called “Pork Barrel Queen” now feigning ignorance about the pork barrel?

Sorry talaga, Sir, I’m in the coal business in Indonesia, not into pork, and I’m not ignorant naman please!

I’m not saying you’re ignorant… If you claim you’re not into pork barrel, at least have the decency to admit that you are allegedly addicted to pork?

Weird exaggerations ‘yan! Atty. Lorna Kapunan doesn’t know about this unscheduled interview but she warned me to not discuss with media anything related to pork daw. To be frank with you, I’m not even much into pork eating nowadays, my heart doctor told me years ago to watch out for my cholesterol and to lessen eating of pork na.

How can we have an interview with you not talking about kababuyan (pig stuff)? I’ve now also just caught you red-handed, using  bare hands to eat lechon or roasted pork, so you cannot deny your love of pork!

It’s different that a person is eating pork and your accusation that “I’m addicted to or love pork,” di ba? By the way, is it now a crime in the Philippines to eat pork?

Last Aug. 13 on GMA-7 news, Atty. Lorna Kapunan claimed your parents were once in the pork trade business. She claimed: “Ironically enough, their business really started in pork.” Isn’t this like a South American magic realism novel, a pork trader’s daughter now the “Pork Barrel Queen”? Was that a bad joke?

No pork barrel, please! Atty. Lorna is correct in tracing my family’s wealth to trading of pork and other meat products in Basilan, then my family invested in other ventures. Why all this talk about pork pala? Can we change topics?

Okay, let’s meet you halfway. Without acknowledging your alleged pork  barrel scam with politicos, just tell me what are the favorite pork dishes you and your husband serve in your mansions or posh condos when you pig out with your politician big bosses?

Oh my, you’re making me hungry for pork, which is worse than the other media making me angry! Of course, there’s lechon, pork adobo, crispy pata, Ilocano-style bagnet, humba, longganisa, ham, bacon, pata hamonado,  pork barbecue, sisig, tokwa’t baboy, braised pork ribs, gising gising (ground pork and green bean dish cooked in coconut milk), deep-fried crispy pork spare ribs, batchoy soup, tonkatsu, bopis (dish made from minced pig’s lungs and heart), etc.

Instead of making illicit money out of the pork barrel with politicos, why didn’t your family just go into a legitimate business like open “Napoles Pizza” which sounds more Italian pa than Greenwich or Pizza Hut? Or Napoles Lechon? Poet and Philippine STAR columnist Ed Maranan said you should have just opened Napoles Tamales & Calamares resto because the name rhymes.

For the 10,000th time, I want to repeat again: our family never made any “illicit money” from the pork barrel funds of politicians. The very rich no longer need to steal. I was born rich to a landed family in Mindanao and my husband became rich too as a former top military officer. We may be good cooks but we’re not crooks! Krung krung ba kayo at puro na lang baboy ang topics niyo (Are you a bit loony? Why are your topics mostly about pork)?

Why do you have 28 homes if you’re not a crook in cahoots with corrupt politicians?

Naku, that’s so absolutely not true!!! That’s a lie! The DOJ doesn’t know how to count, I actually own 35 homes, two of which I lend to Catholic priests as their retreat homes.

You’ve caused quite a storm! What is your reaction if the PAG-ASA weather bureau names the next storm typhoon Napoles?

Huwag namang ganyan, Sir, binababoy na ninyo ako (Not like that, Sir, you’re already insulting me like a pig)! If PAG-ASA reads your column to get that idea and does that, sorry na lang Sir, I will ask Atty. Lorna Kapunan to sue you and PAG-ASA for libel.

Porke ba I’m the accused here in this alleged pork barrel problem, puwede na ninyong basta litsunin (you can already wantonly roast pig) our family’s name with insults and corny jokes? In our democracy, the accused is presumed still innocent until convicted guilty beyond reasonable doubt, di ba? I also just want to remind you, Sir, what the great Melanie Marquez once said: “Please don’t judge me, for I am not a book!”

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