Fear, sadness and joy

MANILA, Philippines - It is easy for some, impossible for others. Giving away their children, that is. And yet they do it for vastly different reasons. The usual reasons are poverty or the mother is  too young and her boyfriend deserted her or the baby is a result of abuse.

In the novel The Memory Keeper’s Daughter by Kim Edwards, David Henry sends away his daughter because he wants to spare his wife, Norah, the heartache. It is a snowy night when Norah goes into labor and David drives her to his clinic. He’s an orthopedic surgeon. There’s no time to go to a hospital because the baby’s coming. David asks his obstetrician colleague, Dr. Bentley, to come, too, but Bentley’s car loses control on the icy road and gets stuck in a ditch.

David decides to deliver the baby himself, assisted by a nurse, Caroline. They give Norah gas so she is in and out of consciousness during the birth. The baby comes out, it is a healthy boy. But Norah cries out again and David realizes there’s another baby.

This is 1964, no ultrasound yet.

The second baby is a girl and David recognizes the signs of Down syndrome on her face. All at once, the painful events of David’s childhood come back to him. He had a sister, June, who died at age 12 because of a heart condition. Their parents constantly worried for her. They knew June would die young, they just didn’t know how young. When she died, her parents never recovered from the grief.

All this is in David’s head when he asks Caroline to take his daughter, Phoebe, to a mental asylum. When Norah awakes, David tells her they had twins, a boy and a girl, but the girl was stillborn. Norah asks to see Phoebe’s body, and David tells her Phoebe was no longer in the clinic because he had asked Dr. Bentley to take Phoebe to the Bentley farm to be buried. Caroline goes to the asylum with Phoebe and saw that it is a lonely place. The patients are not abused, but they all wear the same mask of sadness. Caroline can’t leave Phoebe there so she takes her home and calls David.

She believes David will recover from the shock of having a retarded child and want Phoebe back. David comes to Caroline’s house and she  tells him he must tell Norah the truth. But David tells Caroline it’s in her hands. If she decides to call the authorities, he’ll accept the consequences. He only asks that she tell him first.

For three days Caroline waits. The decision comes to her when David and Norah hold a memorial for Phoebe. Caroline loves Phoebe the moment they walked out of the asylum so it feels natural when she leaves her apartment and moves to another city with Phoebe. Phoebe’s “death” slowly creates a chasm between David and Norah. Norah can’t quite accept Phoebe’s death.

There’s a reason why we want to view our dead loved ones before burial. David becomes distant because of the secret he carries and Norah becomes depressed. The secret prevents David from becoming close to his son, Paul. When Paul is 13, Norah begins having extramarital affairs.  David knows about the affairs, but he never says a word because he knows he is responsible for the failing of their marriage.

Caroline has struggles, too. Raising a child is hard, but raising a retarded child is infinitely harder. The board of education at her city refuses to include mentally challenged children in their public schools. She and 500 other parents of retarded children petition against it and hire a lawyer. They win, but not without considerable stress. Once, Phoebe is stung by a bee and she’s allergic to bee stings. Caroline rushes her to the hospital and the nurse who attends to Phoebe asks Caroline if she was sure she wants her to call a doctor! The nurse considers Phoebe’s life worthless because she’s retarded.

This novel opened my eyes to the truths about mental retardation. I’d always thought those with Down Syndrome could barely do anything, much less fall in love. Phoebe falls for Robert who is also a retarded. They both have jobs; she, at a photocopy shop and he, at a supermarket and they plan to marry. When Caroline catches Robert about to kiss Phoebe, she stops them. Naturally Caroline wants Phoebe to be happy, but Phoebe and Robert will never be mature enough for marriage and parenthood.

She tells Phoebe she may not marry Robert and carefully explains life’s realities: bills, finding a place to live in, and the difficulties of raising children. Phoebe cries quietly and whispered, “It’s not fair.” She craves independence.

Caroline regularly writes to David about Phoebe and he regularly sends money to them. David has realized his mistake, but he believes it is too late to tell Norah. When Phoebe is 24, David has a massive heart attack and dies. He and Norah were already divorced by then.

A year later, Caroline goes to see Norah and tells her about Phoebe. When they recover from the shock, Norah and Paul go to see Phoebe a few days later. Phoebe can’t understand how Norah could be her mother and Norah doesn’t push. Paul moves to Phoebe’s city so he could know her better. Every major decision we make affects at least one other person. David felt he was saving Norah from unnecessary pain, but he only made himself, her, and Paul very unhappy. Paul hates David for what he did, but Norah urges him toward forgiveness. They have a choice, she says. Either they remain bitter and angry or they try to forgive and focus on Phoebe.

Mentally challenged people are not as oblivious as they seem. They feel all the things healthy people feel: pain and comfort, sorrow and happiness. Love is the opposite of sacrifice. Raising Phoebe never felt like a sacrifice to Caroline because she loves her. As she says to David, “You missed a lot of heartache, sure. But, David, you missed a lot of joy.”

This week’s winner

Romarie T. Arnaez graduated from the University Of Santo Tomas with a bachelor’s degree in “business administration and works at a bank. I love big dogs and plan to buy a Saint Bernard puppy soon.”