Mr. Nice vs. Mr. Right

Dear Nanay,

I am 44 years old, a single mom to a 16-year-old girl. I have never been married before or lived with a partner. I do not plan to get married yet but once my daughter has her own family, I will marry the guy who can wait for me. I do not want to grow old alone.

 I am gainfully employed in an international company and successful in my chosen career. You can say I am wise but foolish when it comes to love matters. Presently I have a boyfriend and quite a few suitors. I am happy this way, but lately I am becoming attracted to one of my suitors (not my boyfriend). Now, I think things are getting complicated.

My 50-year-old boyfriend is Mr. Nice. He is patient, loving and understanding. He is separated (not legally) and with three daughters (ages 25, 24 [married] and 14), two still living with him. He is simple-living, very hardworking, yet I earn six times more than this guy.

My relationship with him has had lots of complications since the beginning:

1) We have been together “unofficially” for seven years now; we just agreed that we would just hang around each other since both of us are unmarried;

2) We are second cousins and our relatives from my side strongly disagree with our relationship (it is accepted on his side);

3) His plans and dreams are so simple. They are the exact opposite of my retirement plans; and

4) I do not really like his status in life as he has a huge financial responsibility to his family (still including his parents). I am well assured that Mr. Nice loves me so much and I am sure he will take care of me the rest of my life but he has a weak character.  For seven years, we meet each other once a week only because he is always busy with his work. Only since last year have I felt that I developed feelings for him.

Now here comes Mr. Right, a classmate from high school who has lived in the US for 20 years. He is legally separated with a daughter (21 years old) who lives with him. This guy’s character and definition of fun is exactly like mine. We get along very well. Our experiences, dreams and plans are the same. This guy has been courting me since October 2008 through web chatting. Since high school, we just met again last March. He spent two weeks in Manila, dating me. He treated me the way I have always desired to be treated by a man. Now he is back in the US but plans to come home more often for me. He is a retired soldier and he never breaks his word. He keeps his promises. My relatives and closest friends who met this guy are convinced that he is Mr. Right for me.

I am not sure if I am already in love with him, but I am very happy when we are chatting or when he calls and I miss him very often.  I couldn’t say that I know him that well already. Though we have exchanged e-mails for more than three years now, we have not been together that long. But so far, I think he is also nice but he has a very strong personality. Perhaps because he is ex-military.

 Nanay, please give me advice. Though I do not plan to marry yet, I do not want to give either of them false hope and that is why I want to decide as early as possible. I find it difficult to choose between the two. I want to know who is best to be my lifetime partner. I am in love with my boyfriend but there are hindrances to our relationship. Falling in love with a second cousin is against the Catholic Church practice and against the will of my closest relatives. Also, my boyfriend has a very weak personality (or it must be pride), he doesn’t even want me to help him put up a business, he just wants to work harder and stay as a warehouseman until he retires.

If I use my brain, I will choose Mr. Right, I am just beginning to know this guy better. So far, I think he is also nice. I am attracted to Mr. Right but I am not sure yet if I am already in love with him.              — Chrzl

Dear Chrzl,

First of all, I think you are correct when you say that you should not give either of them false hope. They both deserve better than that. I think it is also very noble of you to want to decide the matter as quickly as possible to avoid prolonging the agony. However, you also need to be careful that you do not decide too quickly as you may end up making a hasty and wrong decision. So take as much time as you need and really come up with the most informed decision before acting on that decision.

It is very difficult for me to make a suggestion between Mr. Nice and Mr. Right just from the brief information you have shared. However, I would like to tell you that you need to think about your situation very carefully and really consider all circumstances before you make a final decision.

You need to ask yourself some very difficult questions. Between the two of them, who are you really in love with more? Or do you love them equally? Whose company do you really enjoy more? Who do you think takes better care of you? Who loves you more? Who loves or gets along with your daughter more? If both of them asked you out on a date at the same time, who would you rather go out with…Mr. Right or Mr. Nice? You have to choose only one!

After providing honest answers to the questions, think about the results and, depending on your answers, you may or may not have a clear choice. Just remember that love is not an exact science. There is no one-size-fits-all solution for everyone. What works for me may not work for you. What works for you may not work for someone else. And ultimately, it is only the individual who can decide who he or she wants to spend the rest of his or her life with. In this case, that individual is you.

Good luck!

Sincerely,

Nanay

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