25 truths I knew early on in life about being gay

MANILA, Philippines - 1.  I knew I was gay when I was five, long before I could ride a bike.

2. I knew Freddie Mercury was a Queen when I heard him sing Bicycle. I wanted to be his Princess.

3. I knew I was capable of carrying on a serious man-to-man relationship at the age of 14. The apple of my eye then was 15.

4. I knew what motherly care was all about when I was seven, the age I accepted to be the “mother” in a kiddie play of bahay-bahayan.

5. I knew gays were dreamers. Having been born to poor farming parents taught me to dream big. I knew I would grow up gay but I also knew I wouldn’t grow up poor.

6. I knew the people in the neighborhood would ostracize me for growing up gay. I grew up in a barrio where men are macho. I was called many names: binabae, pusong mamon, mang-aagaw ng lakas and the worst of all terms, salot. But thanks to those who put me down, I am now what I am.

7. I knew that even if my father beat me up black and blue because he didn’t want his Junior to grow up gay, we would end up having a beautiful father-and-son bonding. Despite the odds, I never harbored ill fillings towards him. I just longed for his love, which I received when I was 17. Since then, we shared a beautiful 21-year father-and-son relationship before he passed away last year.

8. I knew, even if he was strict, my father would understand what a man-to-man relationship was. He even met, and silently approved of, the person I was committed to for the longest time. In his own silent way, he commiserated with me when I lost 14 years of what I thought was the greatest love affair of my life. But in my father, I found the ultimate love. So, no love lost!

9. I knew my mother would still want me to end up with a girl. And every time she mentioned it I would just stare at my imaginary wedding dress. She only stopped her delusion when I told her: “Hindi ho ako tomboy.” Of late, my mother is now the one advising me on matters of the heart — my homosexual heart.

10. I know that — because I believe in a non-judgmental God — I will still go to heaven when I die. And continue to be gay and happy there. Yes, early on, I already knew I would go to heaven and not somewhere else.

11. I knew it was not a disease to be gay. Therefore, it was not curable by aspirin or paracetamol. Not even by bigotry or dredging. That’s foul.

12. I knew, even if I was growing up gay, God loved me. So, early on, long before Lady Gaga sang “God makes no mistake,” I had already disregarded the tenet that God only loved the “real man and woman.”

13. I knew I was more than a woman.

14. I knew I was more than a man.

15. But I knew I was not Wonder Woman. Neither was I Superman. 

16. Because of Superman, however, I knew what adoration was all about. I would always take a second or third glance at the flying Superman — wishing and hoping I was in his arms, flying with him. Even if I was just watching the cartoon version in the black and white TV set of our neighbor.

17. I knew what fanaticism was all about when, during recess in grade school, I pulled my girl friend’s hair when she insisted that Flordeluna (Janice de Belen) was better than Annaliza (Julie Vega).

18. I further found out my sexual inclination when I cried secretly when Annaliza died. I also foolishly wished she would rise from her coffin because an albularyo that time said on nationwide TV that she was still alive. (I said the word “foolish,” right?)

19. I knew I was gay because I would always talk more about Care Bears than Voltron. And I would always think the Smurfs were nothing but phallic symbols.

20. I knew I had the gift of gab. Whenever my boy classmates would talk about Voltes 5 and Machine Gerzie in Grade 4, I would maneuver the conversation to the discussion of how great Nora Aunor was. Yes, I am a fan of Ate Guy and I can recite many of her lines in Himala — both in Filipino and French.

21. I knew injustices would be committed against gay people. But I also knew we would survive the discrimination — simply because gay people are survivors.

22. I knew what beauty was all about when in high school I started cheering for Miss Universe contestants. I wouldn’t even be caught dead without pen and paper, which I used to average the contestants’ scores flashed on the TV screen.

23. I knew that it would take a lot of discipline and energy to learn ballet. I almost cracked my tibia when I tried to do a pseudo double pirouette and an arabesque on top of the table. I was in Grade 3 then.

24. I knew how to appreciate nature when in my art class I could only draw flowers with birds above them that resembled the “M” of McDonald’s. I found it harder to draw bees. Birds were much easier to draw for a gay pupil like me.

25. I knew fairy tales were more potent that realities. I knew early on that my prince would come. And he would leave me. Then we would find each other again. Together, we would live happily ever after.