The Theory of World Domination, Reloaded
Why am I bringing this up again? Because the real test of a theory is whether it can accommodate discoveries made after the theory was formulated.
Years ago, in a newspaper column, I put forth my Theory of World Domination. Essentially it says that Filipinos are taking over the world through reverse-colonization: millions of Filipino maids all over the world, raising kids of different nationalities to become Filipino. They are the primary carriers of Pinoy culture and society to the rest of the planet — a job that the Filipino arts are supposed to do but cannot, because there is neither public funding nor interest. So cultural promotion has been handed over to the yayas (nannies), who have done marvelously under the circumstances.
We have a unique logistical advantage: Filipino maids are already inside the houses of some of the most powerful and influential people in the world. These Pinays are our secret agents, just waiting to be activated. Unfortunately the second component of world domination theory — the conversion of our logistical advantage into political power — has not been initiated. Without organization, training, or even the assurance of legal assistance if they are maltreated by their employers, we cannot push on.
Our secret agents remain in such deep cover, they don’t even know they are agents. By sending Filipino maids and other workers out into the world undefended, as if they were merely cheap labor exports instead of our primary source of income, we are frittering away our most valuable resource.
At this rate we cannot proceed with our simple proposal to stage a global general strike of Filipino workers. Such a general strike would cripple the planet and wreak such havoc on the global economy that we could ask for anything we want.
“Swiss bankers, give us back all the money you’ve been keeping for the politicians who ripped us off. Fine, laugh at us, point out that the thieves themselves can’t get their mitts on the money they stole from us. You won’t be laughing at all when Yaya refuses to come out of her room, your kids are screaming and unwashed, your kitchen sink is clogged with coffee grounds, you can’t find a single clean shirt, and your house smelled like something died in it two days ago because Inday nuked tuyo in the microwave.”
That’s not going to happen as long as we take the money Yaya sends home but give her nothing in return. Sheesh, she can’t even get a smooth ride home from the airport when she comes to visit every three years bearing five balikbayan boxes of pasalubong for everyone. The money to build the roads went to some offshore account, a shoddy track was built with the three bags of cement they could afford after everyone had taken their cut, and after one summer shower the street turned into a crater.
The third component of the Theory has been a major factor in recent Philippine international successes in team sports outside of basketball. Millions of Filipinos have migrated abroad (the academic term is Diaspora), where they marry people of other ethnicities and give birth to mestizo (half-breed) offspring. These half-Filipino children are raised in countries where they can avail of superior nutrition, education, health care and other benefits.
They grow up playing team sports like football in Europe and South America, and rugby in former British colonies. They train and play at a higher standard than their counterparts in the Philippines. Since they hold Filipino citizenship through one of their parents, they are eligible to play for the Philippines. Bam, we suddenly win something.
One effect of the marriage of Filipinos to foreigners has been much remarked upon but never studied. We are referring to the Artista Syndrome. Very often, when a Filipino and a foreigner marry, the offspring have physical characteristics that neither parent possesses. To put it unscientifically, “Mukha silang artista.”
We cannot explain this phenomenon with some fairy godmother gene. Genetics is a lottery, but it seems that many Pinoys have figured out the winning combination. There is a scientific name for this phenomenon. It is called Transgressive Segregation.
According to our consulting geneticist, two parents with different phenotypes (observable characteristics) may produce progeny whose phenotypes are outside their range. For instance, the father could be 5’7” and the mother 4’11”, but the kids could be 6’1”. The parents might look... average, but the children are raving beauties. Surely we’re not content with that.
To recap, the mass migration of Filipinos has compensated for the lack of economic opportunity in the Philippines. It has done this so well that successive governments have managed not to create enough jobs for the Filipinos at home. Recently we have seen how migration has made up for the lack of grassroots sports development in the Philippines. And populated our TV and movie screens, advertisements and billboards.
The Theory of World Domination is valid. It is the application of the Theory that has been held back by complacency and a lack of ambition. It would be terrible if all the Theory amounted to was a lot of vapid pretty faces.
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http://www.jessicarulestheuniverse.com Twisted by Jessica Zafra. Pumping irony since 1994.
