Loving, living

This week’s winner

MANILA, Philippines - Billy Joel G. Pedroso, 28, graduated from PUP-Sta. Mesa in 2004 with a degree in BS ECE. “Although my course is not related to writing, my penchant for reading has led me to write short essays as my way of sharing to my friends the interesting insights I’ve learned. I wish to be able to write for reputable magazines as a freelance writer.” His writing has been published on websites such as AssociatedContent.com and Scibd.com.

With the myriad of books that are available in libraries and bookstores, it is noteworthy to say that one has to find books that can help one live life wisely, purposely and joyfully. Books that impart wisdom on dealing with problems in life, enlighten the mind on the true nature and work of love, and rectify erroneous beliefs that impede the growth of the human spirit are such books.

 “Life is difficult” and “life is a series of problems,” according to M. Scott Peck, author of the bestselling book The Road Less Traveled.

Brimming with insights in problem solving, love and grace, and filled with real-life examples and illustrations, it guides people through freedom from unnecessary suffering and building lasting relationships. It’s a privilege to share with you some of the lessons I’ve learned  some of the many timeless, liberating truths in life  from this book that has changed millions of lives.

“Once we truly know that life is difficult  once we truly understand and accept it  then life is no longer difficult.”

This does not mean that problems in life will just vanish once we accept this truth; however, by doing so, we begin to stop needlessly complaining about the problems we have. We cease to point at things that we shouldn’t have. As what David Stoop, another author I like, said, pinpointing and blaming things that we should or shouldn’t have done makes us mad as “we are making a demand on a situation or a person, a demand that we cannot effectively guarantee will be met.” It causes not just anger but even depression.

On the other hand, accepting that life is difficult and must be dealt with intelligently is a sure way to gain mastery over these problems.  By facing our problems valiantly and enduring the suffering inherent in them, we gradually become impregnable to the problems that were too difficult for us, while those who refuse to accept this great truth remain wallowing in misery.

“Our view of reality is like a map with which to negotiate the terrain of life. If the map is true and accurate, we will generally know where we are, and if we have decided where we want to go, we will generally know how to get there. If the map is false and inaccurate, we will generally be lost.”

Seeking and embracing reality is all-important; anything unreal is misleading. Easy as it sounds to do, what is real is sometimes hard to accept. Moreover, what we believe to be true  and what has served us well and worked for us to survive  is rather painful to change when we find out it is no longer true.

For instance, the author mentions a client he had who, as a child, had always been let down by his parents by not fulfilling the promise they made to him. To avoid feeling hurt again and again, he had learned not to bank on the promises they made and managed to save himself from the disappointments that could have upset him more until he lost his capacity to trust even other people.

The problem was that because of his inability to trust people, he became handicapped in pursuing good relationships with them: his professors, his employers and even his spouse were all untrustworthy to him. He could not count on anyone so he lived life emotionally isolated from others. Although in reality not all of those people were untrustworthy, for him, changing his outlook on them  or changing his map of reality  was out of the question because this would mean opening himself to disappointment and hurt if he met another untrustworthy person. 

To put it simply, he could not let go of what worked to protect him from pain, and it is something that is also true for many of us.

Parting with the faulty “truths” that have been giving us a feeling of security like this is generally easier said than done. For others, it may be a sense of identity and pride that are at risk when they choose to let go of an old belief. Intimidated by the suffering that it would cause us to jettison them, many of us opt to cling desperately to our misguided thoughts. Yet, difficult as it is to change our view of reality, it goes a long way towards solving life’s problems, building good relationships and enjoying life.

“Love is a strangely circular process. For the process of extending one’s self is an evolutionary process. When one has successfully extended one’s limits, one has then grown into a larger state of being. Thus the act of loving is an act of self-evolution even when the purpose of the act is someone else’s growth. It is through reaching toward evolution that we evolve,” Peck tells us.

The book explicitly explains what true love really is and is not. The briefest way to summarize it is perhaps by saying that true love is not a feeling that comes and goes momentarily. Rather, it is a decision, a will to act lovingly towards someone with a view to contributing to his or her improvement. In short, when we truly make an effort to nurture other people for their growth, we have made the decision to love them. On the other hand, no matter how many times we say we love a person, unless we show it with our actions, our love is not real.

What is equally interesting about this, on the other hand, is how and what we gain when we make a decision to love truthfully. Yes, the act of loving is a rather demanding task in that we continuously extend ourselves and go to great lengths to nurture someone; however, in the long run, we obtain growth emotionally and spiritually. The persons we love become a part of us as we invest time and effort in them; consequently, they make us bigger than we used to be.

To explain love further, the author says, “Loving is not simply giving; it is judicious giving and judicious taking as well. It is judicious praising and judicious criticizing. It is judicious arguing, struggling, confronting, urging, pushing and pulling in addition to comforting ….it requires thoughtful and often painful decision making.” 

Going through all these with the ones we love, we ourselves become people of good judgment possessing the qualities of a disciplined and mature human being. Loving others, then, is a manifestation of self-love, for it is the other way of nurturing ourselves.