Take it like a man

Once upon a time a guy I’ll call Jerry once had a hot but unstable girlfriend whom I’ll call Mary. Jerry was a workaholic who loved strip clubs and fast Japanese cars. Mary was the kind of girl Filipino men dreamed of in a Madonna kind of way: a fair-skinned gentle homebody who wore penny loafers to dinner. She was the Pinoy dream girl. For every alpha Jerry there will be a beta Terry, the BFF who is in the creative field and prefers sexless Woody Allen movies over strip clubs and fast cars.

Mary cries to Terry and Terry secretly loves Mary. Then Jerry predictably cheats, and beta Terry transforms from being the shoulder to cry on to being the knight in shining armor. This is the stuff that Katherine Heigl movies are made of. It is the kind of story that we watch while we’re busy making other plans. Then we see the most predictable scene of all: Jerry is the best man in Terry’s wedding.

Boys. I just want to be like them.

I wonder how it is to live in their simple and forgiving world. It is a world where problems are solved with a minute-long fistfight and chased down with a beer. It is a land where they actually look better as they age and “eating disorder” means cutting down on French fries.

Men play the game, women know the score, as the saying goes.

Most of my friends are men. Even the gay ones are not the least fey. My female friends have butch qualities despite their Loboutins and hair extensions. I don’t have girly girl friends who have slumber parties and go to the salon together. There’s something about testosterone that makes life easier. Maybe it’s the balls, so to speak.

Men live in a wash ‘n’ wear world. Women have to deal with a rinse, lather and repeat rat race. The world is kinder to the man. Except if you’re a male model — the chicks always get the upper hand there.

So yes, a man’s life is simple. Betrayal? Men don’t back-stab, they just stab you in the back à la Brutus. Heartbreak? There’s nothing like beer and poker in a strip club (the male equivalent of the mall for bereaved chicks) to soothe the soul. At the airport I saw the male equivalent of the book Eat, Pray, Love called Eat, F@%k, Drink, a testament that the great in things in life are the simple things.

Yet there are a few things the modern male should be privy of. As women try to fill the shoes of men in the office and the political arena, men, curiously, have ventured to try and fill the shoes of women at the beauty salon. The word “metrosexual” has come and gone, but he is still so very here.

Let’s blame it on Patrick Bateman and his monologue in the now legendary chapter in American Psycho called “Morning”:

I live in the American Gardens Building on W. 81st Street on the 11th floor. My name is Patrick Bateman. I’m 27 years old. I believe in taking care of myself and a balanced diet and rigorous exercise routine. In the morning if my face is a little puffy I’ll put on an ice pack while doing stomach crunches. I can do 1000 now. After I remove the ice pack I use a deep pore cleanser lotion. In the shower I use a water activated gel cleanser, then a honey almond body scrub, and on the face an exfoliating gel scrub. Then I apply an herb-mint facial mask which I leave on for 10 minutes while I prepare the rest of my routine. I always use an aftershave lotion with little or no alcohol, because alcohol dries your face out and makes you look older. Then moisturizer, then an anti-aging eye balm followed by a final moisturizing protective lotion.

This did it for men in the most female-hating book ever written.

The devil wears Kiehl’s.

My male best friend told me that this excerpt changed his like and the counter of his sink. T. Anthony, Aesop, Zirh and even Shu Uemura: he wanted it all. The scariest thing was it was kind of macho.

The gays will always know the most about this just because they are a higher specie and will outglow any over-Botoxed jezebel. They have the best taste in everything. All the luxuries I have known in life are not from my pampering parents or the men who have courted me; it’s all from the gays. I love them. My credit card? Not so much.

Women can’t look like they tried too hard but can’t look scruffy either, even if they have a name like Cloud or Meadow. For men, it’s a tricky terrain: you just have to look good. Like wash ‘n’ wear good.

So coming from a woman who has been writing how to apply eye shadow in 30 different renditions for 11 years, here’s my advice to the men who respect their mugs. Love yourself, your skin, but please don’t go too far. Erase any sulfuric evidence of your pimply awkward self and be the Adonis that you are. The most confident straight man can moisturize without shame.

1. Cleanse: It’s manly to cleanse the face and body with soap. Soap does come in fashionable forms of the triple milled variety (that lasts longer and doesn’t melt … just like a man should!) or the glycerin formula that’s more straightforward and, well, straight in a boring way. If it comes in a bottle with a pump make sure it has words like “wood,” “almond,” “sea” or “forest.” When blossoms and shit like ylang ylang come out, it’s wise to take a step back and say no to the roses.

2. Haircuts: Well, I had a thing for the Caesar: it was clean but still fashionable. Then there was the man bob, which was kind of borderline cheesy but overall adorable. Cuts are good. Baldies I adore. A good haircut shows confidence; even a mullet on the right man makes the mullet seem like a good idea. However, there are places where the man should not go. Namely, highlights and reddish color. Bijen black to cover grays: forgivable, though a man is at his best with salt and pepper hair. If there’s anything more tragic than a woman clinging to her youth, it is a man who is clinging to his.

3. Makeup: This is not a surprising entry since so many guys secretly use them. Super gross. There are guys who use concealer; okay, fine, just for zits or covering the sins from a bender. A tasteful choice would be touché eclat from Yves San Laurent. If you get caught with it you can just say it’s a gold Cartier pen. Foundation is a total no-no, powder is gross, mascara is a scandal and any man who thinks he can get away with lip gloss is just really asking for it. Bronzer, on the other hand, is the most under-utilized product that can make a man an Adonis in no time with zero shame. Lightly pat on cheeks and the bridge of nose and blot with a tissue. Please choose the manly gel formula. Do not put the damn thing anywhere else as bronzer on the collar of your pristine Charvet shirt is a crime higher than lip gloss.

4. Scent: Tom Ford is a god. He has brought the elegance of the well-groomed man to levels that scream sexy and not sleazy. When I smell Davidoff Cool Waters I think of all the loser boys in high school. When I smell Creed I remember all the pretentious men I dated after college. Scent on a man should not be unforgettable like it is on a woman; it should just, you know, be a part of him. A part of him that is cool and insouciant. You can only smell it if you come close enough and not like a desperate mating call. There’s something creepy about a guy who puts on too much cologne. Like they’re trying to hide something, maybe something like, say, a personality or body odor. It’s the most insecure stride a man makes when it’s trailed by some overtuned Coty-produced fragrance. As I said, you need to get close to smell a man. This just means two things have been accomplished: 1) He has restraint and that makes him elegant; 2) He got you close enough to smell him.

5. Manicures: Listen, no one said you had to have Fred Flintstone fingers to look manly and hardworking. Sure, calloused hands are sexy. However, just because you work the hand cream it doesn’t mean it screams “kept man.” It’s okay to trim that hard skin and the Howard Hughes nails that grow on your digits. Just remember, no rosy merthyolate and clear nail polish. I mean, really, what’s the point of all that?