Spider-Man meets God

I was talking to a really good Friend of mine about writing something more “mainstream” for a change, like a movie review or a celebrity interview. “You should interview Me,” my Friend beams, “as I am quite famous, you know.”

“Oh my God,” I exclaimed as the light bulb lit up. “You are so right!”

The beauty of this idea is that while He is undeniably famous, He is actually not that well known. I could do everyone a service by shining a light on him, so we met up one midnight in one of His Chapels, and in the guise of an interview, I had a conversation with my World Famous Divine Friend and Teacher. (Feel free to rephrase and say “I had a hallucination,” if that makes it more acceptable to you.)  

He goes by many names, and does not particularly prefer one over the other, but for the purpose of brevity, He asked that I refer to Him simply as “HIM”  or his middle initial “H” for short.

I thought I’d ask him about Loneliness, but H proceeded to talk about ostriches, elephants, and Spider-Man.

(The excerpted conversation that follows was laden with expletives  mostly His  so I censored it using words like “stuff,” “heck,” “stinkers” and “freaking” as replacements. My words are boldfaced.)

HIM: Hey, what brings you down here past midnight?

ME: Ah, nothing much, it’s nice and rainy and it’s cool up in my room, but it got kinda lonely without someone to enjoy the coolness with.

So you came down here to snuggle?

Haha, not unless you wanna do me a favor and turn into a woman right now. I was just walking around and I wondered what you were up to.

You asking Me? I’m always up to something. I am up to a LOT, my friend. Like, right now, I’m about to put in this Leonardo DiCaprio Collection DVD that this nice Muslim Lady dropped off this afternoon... so you just wanna hang out or did you want to talk?

 Well... actually I was thinking about loneliness and was hoping to get your take on it. There was a mention of it on a recent entry in God Calling, and in my single most important religious experience, it seemed to be one of the key themes... I keep running into what I am trying to understand as “Divine Loneliness”...?

 Well, “Divine” says it all, buddy, that stuff belongs to Me, and only Me. You can FEEL lonely, but you ain’t built to BE lonely...

 But I thought I was supposed to sort of experience it, this Divine Loneliness  you know, to get to know You...?

You got it backwards, kid. I’m the one who gets to be Lonely  and exercise this other thing called Divine Restraint  so you stinkers can get to know each Other... (Loneliness is) something We have to go through  but it’s not where you stay. Like Silence... I get to live in it, so you know where to find Me... but you, you’re built to communicate, so you don’t have to live here all your life. Feel free to stay awhile, but know that you have a home away from this home, eh? This is just where we start, see? Remember, we all start out alone  especially Me, I had nothing and nobody to relate with. So what are we doing during this alone time?

Getting to know our Selves?

Right, you got no one else, so all you got to do is get to know your Self... then you figure things out, you discover stuff about you and what you can do. You go, HEY, I didn’t know this about Me... It’s kinda like Spider-Man when he got bit by that radioactive spider. He gets really sick that night, then he wakes up the next morning and starts figuring out that he has some powers  and what does he do? He fidgets with it and explores himself to see what he is capable of, right?

Right. So I’m Spider-Man...

...And I’m the Radioactive Spider, and you just got bit, fool! (But) you’re not Spider-Man yet, you’re still that stupid kid Peter Parker trying to shoot webs with his fingers, or however the heck that works.

They come out of his wrists.

Whatever, you don’t even have to know how it works, you just know that you can shoot webs just by thinking it. You can’t even tell anyone, ‘coz they just won’t understand. Even I don’t know how that works.  

Well, I guess he has these small pores or holes in his wrists.

Does he? Have holes in his wrists??? Freak Me, this Spider-Man analogy just got cooler, ‘coz you know who else has holes in his wrists? ME. Lookit these babies...

Yeah, but only blood comes out of your wrist-holes  and yours are kinda gross...

 Hey shut up, LOVE comes out of these! And what exactly was I supposed to do with webs back then, anyway? You want I should web up a bunch of Roman guards for kicks? How would that work out on a Bible story you read to a six-year-old? Besides, what good are webs if I got no skyscrapers to swing from? And, you know what, I always did wonder about this stuff: after Spider-Man Tarzans himself through your city block, who has the God-Awful job of taking down all his little web-vines to dispose of them?

 I dunno, I always thought they just kinda melted away or turned to dust...?

 NO. Some poor schmuck that the government pays minimum wage has to follow Spider-Man around in his P.O.S. pick-up truck, with a machete and a large trash bin... or else the city turns into a freaking web-jungle.  

 Maybe he just needs a lighter  you know, just light the bottom of the web-vines and let the fire burn it upwards till they’re gone...?

 Right, ‘coz obviously Spider-Man’s webs are flammable. You know what happens when crooks find out about that little factoid? They start arming themselves with lighters and cans of Lysol. No, those babies are NOT flammable...

 Why are we talking about Spider-Man?

 ‘Coz you’re Spider-Man, buddy. Look, once he discovers his powers and has had some practice and knows how to use them all  let’s say at this point that he finally really knows himself  what do you think Spider-Man does next?

 Well, he goes out to fight crime, of course: uses his powers for good...

 Or he can use it to rob banks and make out with his best friend’s girlfriend, it doesn’t matter to Me either way. What matters to Me is that you don’t freaking stay in your room once you know who you are and what you can do, right? What are you gonna do, just climb your own walls all day? You cant! So, ME, for example, once I was done exploring my Self, I had no choice but to put my Self out there  every possible aspect of Me.

 Aha. So I have all these... what we call Others... so I could get to know Me more...? So what comes next? I realize that I am all these Others?

 Something like that. First, you explore your Self  for My Sake, and yours. Then you get to know the Others, find out what they can do, who they are, what they are like  for My Sake, and yours. See, it’s all about getting to know Me, and I can’t know All of Me till I know All of the Others, and I can’t know the Others until you discover the stuff in your Self that you have to use so you know How To Be...

So wait, all this is because you wanna know Us...?

 No, man, I want you to know Me, so I can know Me. Remember, I’m the lonely guy. (Expletive), I already know all of you from looking at you all day, but I need you to learn how to See Me, so you can tell Me about Me.

 I’m so confused... That’s a lot of “Me’s” in one sentence...

 You gotta be really lonely to say “Me” that many times in a five-second span, kid. I’m telling you, man, you don’t know lonely like I do. Like I’ve been saying, I’m the only one allowed to be lonely around here. You guys, you have each other  just walking around and getting in each other’s faces. Me, I’m largely invisible, forgotten, put off for later. You ain’t gonna see Me if you ain’t looking for Me. And you aren’t exactly coming to visit me if you’ve never met Me. You don’t know My Name, My Address, how I like my coffee...

 How do you like your coffee?

 I don’t drink coffee. Can you imagine if I did? You think Bird of Paradise isn’t a messed-up enough plant? If you think I went a little nuts making the ostrich and the elephant, imagine what I would come up with if I was pumped up with caffeine...

 I always did wonder about the ostrich, what is that all about?

 Well, if you must know, I got carried away and made some really big fishes back then, and one day I thought, “Who the heck is gonna eat all this fish?” So I thought about making a really big bird to eat ‘em all, but then I forgot to make the wings bigger so the stinkers just ended up running around on land and putting their heads in the ground looking for fish. Dumb birds.  

 So anyway I thought “Screw that” and decided to make them even bigger so that they could just eat anything, so I made some dinosaurs. Then  I forget what it was, I think one of the stars burned out and I got distracted for a bit  but when I turned to put some wings on the dinos, I found that I forgot to turn the fire from the stars down a notch and it melted the ice caps and everything freaking went underwater... and the fish ended up eating the dinosaurs.

Ahaha! Sick twist! What about elephants? What’s the story there?

 Well, I was gonna make a new snake, then I remembered how much I freaking hate snakes... but I didn’t wanna scrap what I had already started, so since I was also working on a giant mouse at the time, I just put ‘em together... But hey, the elephant works out. You can ride it, he’s a nice guy, and the snake-slash-nose is goddamned amazing. I just forgot to teach ‘em how to jump, ‘coz I was seriously considering turning their ears into wings.

 Hmm… Wait, so you’re lonely and you do all this because you’re using your power to create, so these aspects of you  the ostriches and fish and elephants and Us  can experience each Other, and you therefore get to know your Self even more, is that right?

Oh, yeah. What was my point there? Ah yes, Divine Loneliness  that’s Mine. You can visit, but you can’t stay. You can start with Me, alone  out of necessity ‘coz you gotta get to know your Self  but once you’re out there fighting crime, you get to be with all the Others, alone together. Me? I have to sit here and wait for those of you who are smart enough to figure out how to use the Power that includes Me in all the glory of your “alone-togetherness.”

This “Power to include You”  are you talking about Love?

 Love, making love... I don’t even have a proper name for it. All I can tell you is that you can’t use this Power on your Self, by your Self. You need an Other. Remember that stuff in the Bible about “whenever two or more of you are gathered, there shall I be...?”

 Yeah. Well, you already have me here, maybe I’ll just wait for that crazy old lady who comes here a lot...

 Ha, good luck with that one. She can be burning in hell, and she would still be on her knees praying for the fire to stop. She comes in here praying for world peace and I’m like, “Lemme get this straight, you want me to fix everyone else in the world so that you all get along...? Get along to do what?”

 Haha, and she’s telling you we’re all broken  that all these aspects of you need fixing...

 ...And she doesn’t? Besides, just once  JUST ONE TIME  I’d like her to come in here and ask for something FOR HER. Frankly I don’t care if you all get along or not, as long as you get to know yourselves. If you wanna make war, that’s fine, that means you’re exerting some effort to get to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. If you wanna make love, it’s the same process anyway.

But damn, instead of coming in here and telling Me what to do (about them), why don’t you tell me about something YOU want to do?

 I don’t think she wants to make ostriches and elephants...

 Yeah, that’s why I want to hear from her that she knows what she wants and what she can do!

 Have you told her all this?

 Dude, this hag is so busy praying, she never freaking listens to Me. See, that’s why I like you, you actually listen when you come here.

 Well, I’m Silent, so I didn’t come here to talk. By the way, you mentioned something about Silence being the same as Loneliness? That it’s where you live, and I can’t live with you or something?

 It’s the same as Me dying on that lousy cross. It’s My Life, so actually you don’t have to live it. You don’t have to die on a cross, you do not have to live in Silence, and you do not have to BE Lonely. 

These are the places I inhabit, and it’s really nice of you to visit, but it’s not where you are supposed to be, and it’s not who you are.  

Use your powers to build your own Home, and then invite Me over. That talky twat Liz Gilbert said something to the effect of “God dwells within you as YOU”  so once you’re done being with Me, I’d like you to freaking BE YOU, all right?  

You visit Me in Empty Silence so I can fill you up, and I entertain you as a visitor of My Loneliness, to fill Me up. But eventually you have to keep moving  all of you  while I Am the One who remains Still and Permanent. So I will remain Lonely, and you will return to your world to talk to the Others.

 Okay, but I’m really not in a talking mood right now.

 That’s cool, ‘coz I really just wanna hang out and enjoy your company some more  have you seen The Departed...?

 Yeah, but I wouldn’t mind seeing it again.

 Cool, but get your feet off my goddamned altar, that’s just freaking rude.