Funk phenomena

Life is fast these days. Seriously, every-one should know that deep inside their perfect lives in their perfect little apartments exists emotional plaque. Our father’s generation only had a mid-life crisis that consisted of an age-inappropriate toy and perhaps a marital transgression. Our generation will see perhaps four other crises before we hit 40.

The first meltdown is most likely to happen during high school as it becomes the first chapter in creating your own personal history. Whether you’re the geek, the outcast (me), or the most popular girl in school, this will be the first pebble cast on how your evolution begins. No one really thinks about what went on before freshman year. Watching enough E! True Hollywood Stories will tell you that fitting in and making every life mistake for the first time (heartbreak, underage drinking, bad fashion choices, overspending and cramming) is the seed to every insecurity you will carry forever. So expect a crash on your sweet 16 — it gets all too real for the first time.

The second will be sometime in college when in between epic drinking parties with alcohol brands with labels that go beyond multi-syllabic and internships, you feel the doom of being a serf to the corporate vassal. Feudalism may have thrived in high school with the popular crow, which around this time have the girls with ill-timed pregnancies and the boys having a substance abuse problem, but this type is one that will actually feed you and define you for a good part of your life. A nervous breakdown during your senior year is to be expected as you race your fingers on the ads section and nervously add house music to the interests section of your CV.

The third is the fabled quarter life crisis. This is the new age to become VP in your company, dads hit it around 40 in their time. You have no idea where your life is headed at 25. You’re drinking like you’re still in college and chasing to pay rent at the same time.  It’s sort of like purgatory on earth. The guy you’re dating may or may not become your husband. You may or may not stop smoking in five years, causing you to live 10 years longer. You may or may not be working at your corporate job because you secretly want to be a purse designer. Adult life has barely begun and you stay up late at night thinking about your retirement plan. Because in all honesty making purses (unless you’re Bea Valdes) doesn’t really come with a healthcare plan. Everything at this point looks like an idea. It will drive you crazy.

I had a serious breakdown at this age. I lost 20 pounds and had ulcer attacks for a year.

The fourth is the dreaded Saturn Returns apocalypse. This is truly where I perch. I swear the day I turned 30 was the worst day of my life. My mother fought with me, my boyfriend was pissed off because I was being hysterical and my hair was in its awkward stage, I think I cried the entire day.

When I did show up for my birthday dinner my eyes were swollen like vaginas. This is when you truly get hard on yourself. People dive into marriages, quit their jobs, move countries, buy apartments they can’t afford and get Fraxel. Everything needs to be certain at this point. It is when the idea becomes a threat.

When I was young I drew a photo for my grandfather on how my life will be when I got old, like 30. It was a visual board carved out of a well-intentioned Mongol pencil. It had me living in a house next to my grandfather (didn’t grandfathers live forever?), I had two Rolls Royce cars, five cats, six dogs and I was an actress. All of this, including the immortal grandfather, did not happen.

So, yes, being 30 is tough. I am engaged. I have a great job. I have a comfortable home. I have two dogs. It may not be up to par with the visual board but it is good enough.

So why do I still feel like a kid? Why do I know I’m overspending as I swipe my credit card enough to give it a taffy-like texture and hide the evidence? Why do I pay minimums when I know the interest rates will kill me? Why do I keep chocolate in the house? Why do I log into D Listed while I’m at work? Why do I still eat fast food when I forget to eat breakfast? The most adult thing I have done so far was to try to successfully stop drinking and toss my micro-miniskirts.

I imagine in my 40s I will be the povo version of Ivana Trump. I will be wearing too much pink and tan all day. That’s enough to chart a much-needed breakdown. 

We have everything within our reach to achieve the perfect life if we really, really want it. However, there are temptations. There is the evil credit card that will encourage us to live beyond our means. A commitment-phobic lover who will mess up your self-esteem and life timeline. A portfolio on life support. A secret addiction to Maltesers. An unhealthy admiration for hunky TV stars. But we all know that we have the capacity to control and edit.

I love that line from Jerry Maguire: Breakdown, breakthrough. We need to learn from each breakdown for that breakthrough. Look at Jennifer Hudson, from the bad Oscar dress to the horrific murder of her family, she is still there. She’s not losing herself on drugs or sleeping her way into a suspended state of happiness. She is on the cover of In Style Makeovers and is still smiling. She is my new Oprah.

We all need to stop feeling sorry for ourselves. Really.