Calling out the call centers

Filipino call center agents, put down those Starbucks double grande lattés: I have some important information to share. The US is calling for those call center jobs back!

At least that’s what one US congressman, Senator Charles Schumer, is calling for. He’s pushing legislation to set a tax on every call center phone inquiry within the US that gets bounced outside American shores to call center agents in India, Indonesia, Ireland, South Africa and — yes — the Philippines. If it passes, the companies that outsource those jobs in the US would face a $0.25 excise tax on each call sent overseas. The idea is to penalize companies until they relocate their call centers back in America.

What’s got Schumer’s knickers in a twist? It seems he’s convinced himself that a big part of the US recession is due to the “exodus” of call center jobs abroad. Citing job figures that are, ahem, seven years old (from 2002 to 2003), Schumer says some 250,000 jobs have been “lost” to call centers abroad, a sizeable chunk of them right here in the Philippines.

“If we want to put a stop to the outsourcing of American jobs, then we need to provide incentives for American companies to keep American jobs here,” New York Democrat Schumer told Reuters. (I believe the translation of “provide incentives,” for all you non-Americans out there, is “more taxes.”)

I think if Senator Schumer looked a little more closely, he would find that those call center jobs went abroad because not too many Americans were willing to sit patiently on the phone and walk strangers through setting up their electric banana slicers, salad shooters, Guitar Hero consoles and third-party iPad apps. It’s not all that complicated: Americans are not terribly genial when answering stupid questions — especially stupid questions from fellow Americans. They’re more likely to start berating callers for buying the product in the first place than to gently address their “customer care” concerns.

This, so far, is not a problem in the Philippines, where call center agents rarely allow themselves to go “amok” on the phone. They are duly trained to neutralize their accents — and their attitudes — when answering questions about products and services that exist only theoretically, often virtually represented on computer screens in front of their faces. They may have a hoot and laugh talking about their “gago” customers over beers with friends after work, but they generally know how to keep their cool, and remain non-confrontational on the job, even with the most obnoxious twit-head customers.

The other half of the equation is that companies will always seek to slash costs, and setting up training centers in the Philippines, India or Indonesia is obviously much cheaper than paying grouchy Americans a decent wage. So, thanks to globalization, another US industry finds itself being picked up by less picky workers overseas.

Schumer’s scheme would also force companies to inform customers when their calls are being rerouted outside the United States. As if most Americans didn’t already know this was happening! My dad — who has visited the Philippines twice — occasionally has a question about a lawnmower part or his made-in-Taiwan DVD player, and when he calls customer service, it usually takes him about two seconds to realize he’s talking to somebody in Eastwood City, Metro Manila, not “Suzy Miller” in some South Dakota call center. Hello! People know! I’m sure my dad would have no trouble picking out an accent from India, Ireland, or South Africa either, but he probably doesn’t care, as long as he gets an answer to his query.

So what’s the big deal? Does Schumer actually think depriving Filipinos of halfway decent wages will help the US economy recover? My guess is he’s looking for an easy way to add to slumping US tax collections (which have plunged since the recession) by slapping companies on the wrist for outsourcing jobs.

Another alleged reason for the legislation, according to Schumer, is that Americans can’t be sure that their personal information — such as bank account numbers, credit backgrounds or medical history — is safe in the hands of offshore call center agents. Sure, like their personal financial information has been so safe in American investment banks and the stock market these past few years!

But watch out, Senator Schumer. If you persist in your efforts, the next time you find yourself faced with a burning question about your salad shooter, or want to know how to download episodes of Lost onto your iPad, don’t come running to a Filipino for answers:

“Good even— uh, good morning, po. I mean, sir. How can I help you?”

“Um, I’m trying to reach the floor of the US Senate. This is the Senate switchboard operator, isn’t it?”

“Yes, sir. Can I perhaps assist you in setting up your George Foreman Super Champ Grill this morning?”

“Uh, no, that won’t be necessary, just put me through to the congressional pages office, I have this important piece of legislation—”

“Maybe you’d like us to throw in a subscription to Time magazine? It’s 70 percent off the newsstand price if you act right now.”

“No, that’s fine. What I’d really like is to get this legislative draft—”

“You need help setting up your Genuine Miller Draft Beer Kegerator, po…?”

“No, I have this proposal that needs hammering out—”

“So you’d also like help with your Black and Decker Reversible Hammer Drill?”

“Gagh… No, look, my legislation needs approval before the general assembly—”

“There is no general assembly required with the Black and Decker Reversible Hammer Drill, po.”

“Why do you keep calling me ‘po’?”

“Sir, I will now gladly reroute your important call through to our customer service operators… in Bangalore!”

Click.