Awake the inner bitch in you

Here is a story that I do not tire of quoting: "Two roommates meet for the first time. One is a small-town girl on scholarship, the other a wealthy, convent school graduate. The small town girl greets her new roommate with a huge smile and asks, ‘So, where are you from?’ The colegiala sniffs, ‘From a place where we know better than to end our sentences with prepositions.’ The small town girl, jolly as ever, replies, "So, where are you from, bitch?’"

There you are. One roommate was catty, the other bitchy.

When you are catty, you like to cut people down out of anxiety (fear) or spite (malice). To you, everybody is a loser and therefore not worth your time or attention or friendship. If you do socialize, you do it out of a need for company and to feed your already ready-to-burst ego. You feel so superior that no one can be your equal or heaven forbid, better than you.

The word catty comes from — you guessed it — the cat. A cat is independent and is happiest being left alone to luxuriate in her controlled environment. If she gets hungry or suddenly has the urge for company and once satisfied, it would again retreat to its own space and leave you behind.

In contrast, a bitch is described as a female dog. And dogs by nature are inherently incapable of contempt. To her, happiness is synonymous with her master.

But wait, there are bitches, and then, there are bitches. That’s because oftentimes, being catty is mistaken for being bitchy. It’s not the same.

When women gossip, they call it being bitchy. Wrong. It’s being catty. The ultimate aim is to flaunt a holier-than-thou attitude, and it’s a cop-out way to celebrate the misfortune or tragedy of others. The element of malice is glaring and evident.

To be a good bitch, you must focus on your creativity, your uniqueness. You must not be afraid to make mistakes. In fact, you use these mistakes as a starting
point to bring out the courage to own up to these fumbles and feel within you a fount of emerging strength that could only make you better today than you were yesterday.

My daughter was born with a halo attached to her head; she was sweet and even-tempered and had no tantrum attacks. When girls her age would scream if a toy were snatched away by a playmate, she’d smile and offer the toy freely. I began to worry.

One day, she came home sobbing, "Mama, Natalie pushed me again while we were forming a line in the playground. I lost my balance and fell on three other girls."

If we were in a cartoon setting, imagine a dark cloud slowly gathering volume to perch itself on top of my head. I was steaming mad. "Is that so? Did you report it to the teacher?"

"Yes," she replied "But she only gave her a warning not to do it again."

Again? This Natalie girl had been a pest ever since school opened and she seemed be taunting, bullying my daughter.

I said, "The next time Natalie shows aggressiveness towards you, hold her firmly on her shoulders, look into her eyes, grit your teeth and shake her hard. Better still, watch her from the corner of your eyes and when she strikes, duck quickly so she’d lose her balance and fall."

One day, my daughter came home with a big smile on her face, "Mama, I did it. I anticipated her attack and when she raised her hand to strike me, I ducked and she fell and cried. When the teacher approached us, she pointed an accusing finger at me but I said, ‘I really don’t give a damn what you say, Natalie. You deserve it.’"

Did I awake the inner bitch in my daughter? I hope so.

But be aware that being bitchy can be a lonely place. There are attendant demands that you must prepare for. You can be alone with no allies or kakampi and — the crucial part — you stand the risk of being misunderstood or even rejected. There is no guarantee that everyone will rally behind you, much less understand your stand. But so long as you are not out to destroy yourself or anyone, you are on the right path.

The small-town roommate displayed a genuine connection with her inner bitch. She remained cheerfully unaffected and resistant to scorn, holding her own with humor and dignity. Above all, she refused to play the shame game.

I read an article written by Martha Beck, author of Finding your Own North Star, where she said, "Whenever you feel shame, consider it a signal to act forcefully. So you’ve made mistakes. Big deal, your inner bitch will say. Learn from your errors and do better next time. Afraid you’ll fail and look stupid? Your inner bitch doesn’t give a damn how you look; she’d rather try and fail than not try at all. Let your bitchiest side attack your shame until you are certain that no choice you make is based on either the fear of being shamed or the intent to shame anyone else. There is enormous power in this, in holding your head up and refusing to be shame’s prisoner. It is the prerequisite to all creativity. Remember a dog’s role is to chase catty things and cats typically run like hell when they’re jumped by a feisty bitch."

When shame is gone, Martha Beck said that the other qualities of a bitch will naturally emerge: "The playfulness, the enthusiasm, the curiosity and genuine affection."

In my own experience, my mother never even raised her voice to get her message through but believe me, we got the message and so did many others. In the end, we learned that more than the strength of character she possessed, she was a woman of integrity and virtue. Truly admirable.

Was she a bitch? Happily and contentedly to the very end, I might add.

* * *

From a friend and an inspired writer, Lolita Delgado-Fansler, comes the following assertion of the art and science of bitchology: "When I stand up for myself and my beliefs, they call me a bitch.

"When I stand up for those I love, they call me a bitch.

"When I speak my mind, think my own thoughts, or do things my own way, they call me a bitch.

"Being a bitch means I won’t compromise what’s in my heart.

"It means I live my life MY way. It means I won’t allow anyone to step on me.

"When I refuse to tolerate injustice and speak against it, I am defined as a bitch. The same thing happens when I take time for myself instead of being everyone’s maid, or when I act a little selfish.

"It means I have the courage and strength to allow myself to be who I truly am and won’t become anyone else’s idea of what they think I "should" be.

"I am outspoken, opinionated and determined. I want what I want.

"And there is nothing wrong with that!

"So try to stomp on me, try to douse my inner flame, try to squash every ounce of beauty I hold within me. You won’t succeed.

"And if that makes me a bitch, so be it.

"I embrace the title and am proud to bear it."