Love & courtship in two different worlds
September 17, 2006 | 12:00am
The matter of Moro-Muslim men being allowed to take as many as four wives has always been a source of fascination to Christians. This, despite the fact that some Christians "keep" more than four women in a lifetime. Another cultural similarity? Yet, it is a source of amazement to the "ignorant" Christian how "decently" the children of the first wife, and the first wife, too, in a Muslim family are able to accept the second wife (and the succeeding ones) and her children. I have observed that the children from the first marriage can accept the father’s new wives, and the children that rise from these unions.
The Moro-Muslim woman, for her part, becomes very assertive before and after the husband takes another wife. In the first place, her permission is needed if he is to take a second woman. In the household hierarchy, the first wife has primary status, with the second and succeeding wives taking on subordinate roles. The management of the household thus remains with the first wife, with major housekeeping activities still within her sphere of influence.
Christians have long wondered if the Moro-Muslim wife feels insecure in this arrangement. Her husband may take in someone anytime to share her responsibilities, rights and privileges as a housewife. My observation in the course of my fieldwork among Moro-Muslim families is that 20th and 21st-century men generally no longer marry four times.
On the question of mixed marriages, Moro-Muslim men, more than women, face the challenge and responsibility of convincing their fiancées to convert to Islam and to have their children raised in the Islamic faith. Moro-Muslim women are less likely to marry non-Moro-Muslim men. Only a few can and actually do, even if, at a certain stage of their lives, they may actually feel a certain infatuation for Christian men. While Moro-Muslim boys are given the opportunity to explain to their parents their desire to live out their dreams, the women are not, and few women can.
Parents are likely to insist on their children’s adherence to pure marriages, or marrying within the same religion. And even if courtship eventually leads to their going steady with a Christian, their religion and obedience to their parents always takes precedence where lifetime partnership is concerned. My research suggests that parental choice always prevails. On top of that, the pull of family pressure to convert to their religion is always stronger from the Moro-Muslim side than from the Christian side.
For one, the educational systems to which Christians (and now Muslims) are exposed give them more leeway as to the lifestyle they can lead whether as members of the family or citizens of a community. It is not surprising that a young Christian who comes from a conservative family may turn liberal as a result of his schooling.
On the other hand, Muslim students who go to their madrasas at a young age end up having stronger Islamic convictions, outwardly manifested by their clothing or the manner by which the members of the opposite sex relate to one another. One can additionally expect stricter Islamic orientation and lifestyle among those who pursue higher or specialized studies in Islamic countries like Saudi Arabia and Egypt.
Family involvement occurs among Christians and Moro Muslims, although it is safe to assume that the Moro-Muslims put more emphasis on family involvement than Christians. While the choice of whom a Christian Filipina marries apparently depends entirely on her, the truth is that the family plays a significant role in her choice. We are all aware of situations where Christian parents raise all kinds of objections to a suitor they do not favor, at the same time expressing their preferences.
If you were a Christian parent, and you told your daughter to consider the romantic intentions of a particular man, chances are she would tell you how she really feels about him, to the point of saying "No" bluntly. But the young Muslim lady, when told the same thing by her parents, would not be able to voice an opinion against the man, no matter how she might dislike him.
There’s no denying that in Muslim families, parents can be doubly demanding and persistent to the point of seeming dictatorial, particularly regarding mixed marriages.
As a result, Muslim prearranged marriages are most likely not consummated on the first night of the union, as the couples are still seeking to know each other better. Of course, this is more of a concession to the bride than to the groom.
Children, even while still infants or toddlers, may already be spoken for, with the aid of a go-between. But just to make sure that no shame is experienced by either set of parents and families, the go-between serves to communicate the points of compatibility that need to be agreed upon by both parties. Where points of disagreement cannot be solved, or talks break down, both parties are spared the embarrassment, which could otherwise lead to a misunderstanding, even violence, because a go-between was consulted.
The choice of a child’s spouse also takes into consideration the parents of the other child. And this is true in both Christian and Muslim families, as they share the belief that "whatever the tree is, it will bear the same fruit." A drunkard father can only produce a drunkard son while a nagger of a mother can only produce a nagger of a daughter. Somehow, certain attitudes seem to surface in both cultures and societies, even if modern values dictate otherwise.
We also cannot overlook that respect for parents is a value ingrained at the very core of our society and people. This respect, to a large extent, is also the foundation of the fear of parents, and of total obedience to them. This is a given in both Muslim and Christian families and should not be viewed as a monopoly of either.
Moro-Muslims and Christians are essentially alike, I’ve found. One might argue that dress codes, social norms, feasts and celebrations, educational exposure and manifestations of culture point to real differences. Still, if we are to solve our differences as a people and ultimately achieve lasting peace, educating our people at a very young age can only assure us that they will be able to relate to fellow Filipinos without prejudice and can offer respect and consideration for other ways of life.
Finally, both Christian and Muslims can take inspiration and strength from the fact that the golden rule is a shared value, common to the teachings of both Jesus and Mohammed. When the Christian says, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," the Muslim can only nod in agreement and respond: "Pinch yourself and if it is painful to you, it is also painful to others."
The Moro-Muslim woman, for her part, becomes very assertive before and after the husband takes another wife. In the first place, her permission is needed if he is to take a second woman. In the household hierarchy, the first wife has primary status, with the second and succeeding wives taking on subordinate roles. The management of the household thus remains with the first wife, with major housekeeping activities still within her sphere of influence.
Christians have long wondered if the Moro-Muslim wife feels insecure in this arrangement. Her husband may take in someone anytime to share her responsibilities, rights and privileges as a housewife. My observation in the course of my fieldwork among Moro-Muslim families is that 20th and 21st-century men generally no longer marry four times.
On the question of mixed marriages, Moro-Muslim men, more than women, face the challenge and responsibility of convincing their fiancées to convert to Islam and to have their children raised in the Islamic faith. Moro-Muslim women are less likely to marry non-Moro-Muslim men. Only a few can and actually do, even if, at a certain stage of their lives, they may actually feel a certain infatuation for Christian men. While Moro-Muslim boys are given the opportunity to explain to their parents their desire to live out their dreams, the women are not, and few women can.
Parents are likely to insist on their children’s adherence to pure marriages, or marrying within the same religion. And even if courtship eventually leads to their going steady with a Christian, their religion and obedience to their parents always takes precedence where lifetime partnership is concerned. My research suggests that parental choice always prevails. On top of that, the pull of family pressure to convert to their religion is always stronger from the Moro-Muslim side than from the Christian side.
For one, the educational systems to which Christians (and now Muslims) are exposed give them more leeway as to the lifestyle they can lead whether as members of the family or citizens of a community. It is not surprising that a young Christian who comes from a conservative family may turn liberal as a result of his schooling.
On the other hand, Muslim students who go to their madrasas at a young age end up having stronger Islamic convictions, outwardly manifested by their clothing or the manner by which the members of the opposite sex relate to one another. One can additionally expect stricter Islamic orientation and lifestyle among those who pursue higher or specialized studies in Islamic countries like Saudi Arabia and Egypt.
Family involvement occurs among Christians and Moro Muslims, although it is safe to assume that the Moro-Muslims put more emphasis on family involvement than Christians. While the choice of whom a Christian Filipina marries apparently depends entirely on her, the truth is that the family plays a significant role in her choice. We are all aware of situations where Christian parents raise all kinds of objections to a suitor they do not favor, at the same time expressing their preferences.
If you were a Christian parent, and you told your daughter to consider the romantic intentions of a particular man, chances are she would tell you how she really feels about him, to the point of saying "No" bluntly. But the young Muslim lady, when told the same thing by her parents, would not be able to voice an opinion against the man, no matter how she might dislike him.
There’s no denying that in Muslim families, parents can be doubly demanding and persistent to the point of seeming dictatorial, particularly regarding mixed marriages.
As a result, Muslim prearranged marriages are most likely not consummated on the first night of the union, as the couples are still seeking to know each other better. Of course, this is more of a concession to the bride than to the groom.
Children, even while still infants or toddlers, may already be spoken for, with the aid of a go-between. But just to make sure that no shame is experienced by either set of parents and families, the go-between serves to communicate the points of compatibility that need to be agreed upon by both parties. Where points of disagreement cannot be solved, or talks break down, both parties are spared the embarrassment, which could otherwise lead to a misunderstanding, even violence, because a go-between was consulted.
The choice of a child’s spouse also takes into consideration the parents of the other child. And this is true in both Christian and Muslim families, as they share the belief that "whatever the tree is, it will bear the same fruit." A drunkard father can only produce a drunkard son while a nagger of a mother can only produce a nagger of a daughter. Somehow, certain attitudes seem to surface in both cultures and societies, even if modern values dictate otherwise.
We also cannot overlook that respect for parents is a value ingrained at the very core of our society and people. This respect, to a large extent, is also the foundation of the fear of parents, and of total obedience to them. This is a given in both Muslim and Christian families and should not be viewed as a monopoly of either.
Moro-Muslims and Christians are essentially alike, I’ve found. One might argue that dress codes, social norms, feasts and celebrations, educational exposure and manifestations of culture point to real differences. Still, if we are to solve our differences as a people and ultimately achieve lasting peace, educating our people at a very young age can only assure us that they will be able to relate to fellow Filipinos without prejudice and can offer respect and consideration for other ways of life.
Finally, both Christian and Muslims can take inspiration and strength from the fact that the golden rule is a shared value, common to the teachings of both Jesus and Mohammed. When the Christian says, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you," the Muslim can only nod in agreement and respond: "Pinch yourself and if it is painful to you, it is also painful to others."
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