More objective compassion
September 3, 2006 | 12:00am
I recently wrote a piece on objective compassion. We received several calls and e-mails that week. The subject seems to have struck a chord.
Last Sunday, a friend said she tried to practice it on another girlfriend in distress. She paid her a visit with the conscious intention of listening with full inner openness. She would not volunteer her sympathy or reassurance. She laughed as she shared that it had been more difficult than she imagined. She caught herself wanting to exclaim each time a parallel experience came up and even recalled how she thought it would be boring to spend the time listening; what about her own stories? In the end, she gave herself a rating of 50 out of 100. She didn’t think she did a good job. But the next day, her friend called to thank her. Being listened to so openly, without judgment, intrusion or involvement, helped her to see herself and her situation with more clarity. In the end that’s what objective compassion really brings – not a clear and definite solution, but a better-lit path on which one might travel (at her own pace) to find her own answers.
The word "compassion" seems to suggest a kind of fluffy outpouring of warmth and sympathy. The dictionary says it is "suffering with." I was told before by someone that I didn’t have compassion and I actually bought it. But I realize now that I have always had it, and that person’s idea of compassion had more to do with unnecessary drama, replete with group hugs and synchronized tears. Well, I’ve never been very good with drama. It gives me hives. But I do tend to look at human imperfection with a longer view that goes into the past and out towards the future. What might have caused this woman to be so bitter that she is so difficult to be with? What might have caused this man to be so overbearing? Could I put those possibilities into the picture before I cut myself or another person out of the situation? Does this give me an opportunity to engage them on different terms? It’s amazing how you can then open up a space that can house your renewed but authentic patience and understanding. Hovering over every person’s pain is not the best expression of compassion. A display of pity only casts shadows on the already darkened horizon. Giving them space and objectivity is more useful and considerate. Compassion doesn’t entail an oppressive expression of emotion and sentimentality. It can mean a deep and clear feeling for the other with nary a hint of exhausting melodrama.
Years later, the term "objective compassion" came into my life. I knew then that I had been practicing it on some level, albeit unconsciously. I had the sense that when a person is in a difficult place in his biography, your pity doesn’t help him move forward. It can even cause him to burrow further into the darkness. I also know that casting judgment on a person’s character and situation – or worse, telling them what they ought to do – is harmful and cruel. We can never know any person’s full history, nor the breadth and depth of his life wounds. From experience, thanks to a Christian Community priest who showed me what objective compassion is, I know what works: a warm objectivity that recognizes your pain but doesn’t penetrate or impose on it. It holds another person and his situation actively within you, in understanding and full respect for his space, but with no interference that may further cloud his emotions.
I’m not the expert, of course. Like everyone else, I am a student of life and can only give credit to those who have entered my life and bestowed grace upon it. It is through them that I am able to share insights. It is with them I have learned to gather strength and wisdom from life’s trials.
We are fortunate that Reverend Hartmut Borries of the Christian Community, the very one who taught me about objective compassion, is arriving tomorrow for his annual visit. On Thursday, Sept. 7, 6 p.m., he will give a talk on objective compassion entitled "From Living Thought to Active Love: What is Objective Compassion?" at ISIP, 6241 Palma corner Mañalac Sts., Rockwell Center, Makati City, near Ateneo Law School. On Friday, Sept. 8, 6 p.m., he will be giving a talk on "Remembering the Mystery of Golgotha" at the Fajardo Residence, 24 9th St., Rolling Hills, New Manila, Quezon City. Fee is P200 per lecture. Concession is P100 per lecture. Call 0917-5251924 or send me an e-mail at magisip@yahoo.com for more information.
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Last Sunday, a friend said she tried to practice it on another girlfriend in distress. She paid her a visit with the conscious intention of listening with full inner openness. She would not volunteer her sympathy or reassurance. She laughed as she shared that it had been more difficult than she imagined. She caught herself wanting to exclaim each time a parallel experience came up and even recalled how she thought it would be boring to spend the time listening; what about her own stories? In the end, she gave herself a rating of 50 out of 100. She didn’t think she did a good job. But the next day, her friend called to thank her. Being listened to so openly, without judgment, intrusion or involvement, helped her to see herself and her situation with more clarity. In the end that’s what objective compassion really brings – not a clear and definite solution, but a better-lit path on which one might travel (at her own pace) to find her own answers.
The word "compassion" seems to suggest a kind of fluffy outpouring of warmth and sympathy. The dictionary says it is "suffering with." I was told before by someone that I didn’t have compassion and I actually bought it. But I realize now that I have always had it, and that person’s idea of compassion had more to do with unnecessary drama, replete with group hugs and synchronized tears. Well, I’ve never been very good with drama. It gives me hives. But I do tend to look at human imperfection with a longer view that goes into the past and out towards the future. What might have caused this woman to be so bitter that she is so difficult to be with? What might have caused this man to be so overbearing? Could I put those possibilities into the picture before I cut myself or another person out of the situation? Does this give me an opportunity to engage them on different terms? It’s amazing how you can then open up a space that can house your renewed but authentic patience and understanding. Hovering over every person’s pain is not the best expression of compassion. A display of pity only casts shadows on the already darkened horizon. Giving them space and objectivity is more useful and considerate. Compassion doesn’t entail an oppressive expression of emotion and sentimentality. It can mean a deep and clear feeling for the other with nary a hint of exhausting melodrama.
Years later, the term "objective compassion" came into my life. I knew then that I had been practicing it on some level, albeit unconsciously. I had the sense that when a person is in a difficult place in his biography, your pity doesn’t help him move forward. It can even cause him to burrow further into the darkness. I also know that casting judgment on a person’s character and situation – or worse, telling them what they ought to do – is harmful and cruel. We can never know any person’s full history, nor the breadth and depth of his life wounds. From experience, thanks to a Christian Community priest who showed me what objective compassion is, I know what works: a warm objectivity that recognizes your pain but doesn’t penetrate or impose on it. It holds another person and his situation actively within you, in understanding and full respect for his space, but with no interference that may further cloud his emotions.
I’m not the expert, of course. Like everyone else, I am a student of life and can only give credit to those who have entered my life and bestowed grace upon it. It is through them that I am able to share insights. It is with them I have learned to gather strength and wisdom from life’s trials.
We are fortunate that Reverend Hartmut Borries of the Christian Community, the very one who taught me about objective compassion, is arriving tomorrow for his annual visit. On Thursday, Sept. 7, 6 p.m., he will give a talk on objective compassion entitled "From Living Thought to Active Love: What is Objective Compassion?" at ISIP, 6241 Palma corner Mañalac Sts., Rockwell Center, Makati City, near Ateneo Law School. On Friday, Sept. 8, 6 p.m., he will be giving a talk on "Remembering the Mystery of Golgotha" at the Fajardo Residence, 24 9th St., Rolling Hills, New Manila, Quezon City. Fee is P200 per lecture. Concession is P100 per lecture. Call 0917-5251924 or send me an e-mail at magisip@yahoo.com for more information.
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