‘I Know This Much is True’: Repairing lives

After graduating from college, I was a member of the "OA to become a yuppie" brood. In short, I was one of the Overly Aggressive idealistic graduates who were hopeful to land the dream job that they had been plotting in their mind for years. I had always thought of myself as a media person, and I was than thrilled when I was immediately hired by THE NETWORK.

I had my entire life fully envisioned since I was in high school. I was part of The Dewzette school newspaper, a member of the literary club, and an active participant in inter-school journalism press conferences. In college, I worked my ass off in the "premiere state university" while juggling my duties as president of my college organization UP SPECA. Good enough, I graduated with the Latin prefix title which makes one sound invincible. Speech Communication major, Journalism minor, and a cum laude at that. Promising, eh?

I told myself, with my media job on the way, everything was running as perfectly as I had planned it. A few months after, I resigned from one of the most coveted positions in an award-winning show on THE NETWORK. After that, I felt I was in a rut. Was this "karma"? A curse inflicted by my brother or was this the price I needed to pay for my arrogance?

I Know This Much is True was my Bible in those moments.

I have been in voluntary isolation from my family, from my brother in particular, for years now. With my ultimate goal to succeed in life and my life plan plotted very well, I chose to surround myself with only my computer, books and all other school stuff. My brother is not one of my favorite persons in the world since we always fight. I thought the best way to avoid clashing with him was to avoid him.

Since we were kids, my brother and I would quarrel about the littlest things. We were always competing against each other, always wanted to prove to our folks who was better, who would be the favorite. When something bad happened, we would outwit each other to avoid the blame. I was oftentimes seen as the "good girl" and he the "bad boy."

Thanks to my sabbatical from my family, I was able to break from what my friends call an "unhealthy focus" and a "misaligned strategy" on working to achieve my goals. I was all-work, no-play, no time for family. So I began to read even though I was never a true-blue book enthusiast with a favorite author or genre. I was clueless on what to read. It took me an "Oprah’s Book Club Sticker" to find a book because I’m such an Oprah fan.

I Know This Much Is True enticed me to reexamine my plans and views in life. It made me analyze my present life struggle and made me think about my relationship with my brother.

Dominick Birdsey is the sane twin of his schizophrenic brother Thomas. When Thomas decides to cut his hand in a public library as his way of "protest" to the war, chaos sets in the life of Dominick. Apart from his struggle to recover from a divorce to the woman he loves most and from the death of a mother from cancer, not to mention a problem with his shoplifter-abused-semi-psychotic girl friend (a.k.a. Dessa’s replacement) and his out-of-hand painting business, Dominick had to take care of Mr. Schizo. He’s carrying the weight of the world, I say.

When Thomas is placed at the Hatch Forensic Institute, a maximum-security confinement serving as shelter to newspaper headliner psychos, Dominick’s gets help from Lisa Sheffer, a social worker at Hatch. Together, they try to convince the administration that Thomas should not be held at Hatch since the environment would only worsen his condition. Fact is, Thomas thinks he is God’s chosen one to bring enlightenment to the world. He has constant delusions that the CIA, the Kellogg’s Cereal Company, the Soviets, etc. are in a conspiracy to distract him from executing his mission to save the world. He believes that his mother’s death and everything happening around him, including his detention, are all the doings of his enemies .

Dominick also meets Dr. Patel, an Indian anthropologist-psychologist who handles Thomas’ case. Thinking that discussions with Dr. Patel, which involves "life history sharing" would help Thomas toward his release, Dominick shares their painful childhood with their abusive stepfather, Ray. Later on, Dominick finds himself as actually being "the one in therapy."

In the course of their discussions, Dominick tells that he thinks, he along with Ray, is actually responsible for Thomas’ worsened condition. When they were kids, Dominick always tried to appear "good" in the sight of the "in-house beater/disciplinarian" Ray. For an instance, when they were attending church, Dominick handed Thomas some candies. While Dominick managed very well to munch on the candies quietly, Thomas was caught by Ray and got a beating after Mass. All the things that displeased Ray led to more beatings. On the other hand, Dominick was usually spared just because he knew how NOT to handle himself in the sight of Ray. But behind Ray’s back, Dominick smoked pot, went to night clubs and did all things which could have made his stepfather furious.

My brother is actually the gentler one between the two of us. He is sweet and affectionate – things I am not. Every time I ask my mom whether she loves my brother more than she loves me, she says, she loves us equally but my brother’s nature just binds them closer. With this said, when it comes to "discipline time" from my father, I always turn in my brother.

Now, my brother is distant. A loner. Stiff. Not his usual sweet and cheeky self. He has withdrawn from his old attitude – the nosy but lovable prankster. My brother has not developed schizophrenia or something like Thomas’, but he is no longer the same old brother I could talk to, laugh with or enjoy things with.

We had good memories, but I know I let the bad ones overrule. I was mean to him; and, there was never a time when he knocked at my door, that I was happy to welcome him. He could be a pain in the ass, but beyond that, I know, he desired closeness to me.

Recently, my mom just told me that my brother said, "Pakiramdam ko ma, wala akong kapatid" because I always choose to retreat to my room after arriving from work without sharing meals or having a talk with them. Of course, I told my mom he was being inconsiderate; I am always tired and stressed from work.

When Dominick was on therapy, I felt I was, too. During this time, Dominick read the autobiography of his grandfather. Domenico Tempesta (Dominick’s grandfather) was also burdened with a brother (actually, originally burdened with two brothers, until the horniest of them all died). He used to be God’s servant until circumstances made him back out from his conviction. At one point when a priest requests for his help in church work, he answers: too busy. The priest replies, "Too busy or too angry still?" As much as Domenico’s life story is therapeutic for Dominick, it has been for me, too. Domenico says, "Everything that happens is part of God’s plan." With this, I saw how far my life had strayed from the life I am meant to live.

I’ve realized that beyond a career, I have relationships to prioritize, one of which needs immediate mending. I am suddenly not at peace with what I have planned, not because I didn’t plan it well but because I still have other things to fix and other life lessons to learn. I’ve also realized that I have invested a lot of emotional energy on my brother which now puts a toll on my own life. And then the book speaks: "The key to serenity is forgiveness." Haaay…. But my brother has also done me wrong?! Then the book speaks once again: "Dwell on his good qualities, not his sins. Forgive him and he will show you the kindness he saves in his heart and has not yet spent." Haaaaaayyyy….

Dominick Birdsey’s journey and struggle, in many ways, are mine as well. We both search for identity and both have what-to-do-in-life questions after a personal crisis. We both have broken relationships. We both have dreams and plans in life but we are victims of our indecision. We both have holes in our hearts that have to be filled by faith. We both have brothers whom we think are burdens, whom we love to hate, but in reality, we care about deeply. We are both arrogant which makes our lives more difficult as we hate to listen to others and we always try to handle things using our own limited abilities. In the end, we both realize that "power, if wrongly used, defeats the oppressor, as well as the oppressed." We both learn that "God and life are both merciful and ironic." We both recognize the fact that we need to face our failures and that we need to humble ourselves time and again.

The book for many ways has been therapeutic for me. I’ve learned that in order to have direction in the future, we need to renovate something from our past. "Renovate your life, and the universe is yours."

I am more optimistic about life now. I am content that at least, I have the small things planned, one of which is to rekindle my relationship with my brother. I seriously don’t know how to do it, but at least, I have much figured out. I know this much is true enough to keep me going and believing that there’s always room for love and life after bitterness and strife.