The scent of healing
March 13, 2005 | 12:00am
When trials come into our lives, we often wonder what we have done in the past that causes such misery. We always think there is a reason behind such storms and that we are to blame. We start to doubt God and think, "Was this really His will?" It takes time to discern the meaning behind our suffering – how everything that happens to us has a good purpose intended for our future well-being.
This is the story of my descent into the valley of the shadow of death, and how –through the power and mercy of the Lord – I came through the other side.
Earlier that year, an ugly, thick, hard mass appeared on my neck just below my left jaw. This certainly alarmed me and the fear of cancer entered my mind.
I consulted a doctor who immediately took a biopsy of the mass on my neck using the FNA procedure. While I waited for the results, the next few days became an agonizing experience. I was relieved only when the results showed that the condition was not cancerous.
My doctor recommended surgery to remove the ugly tumor from my neck, but for one reason or another, the surgery never took place.
Later that year, family and friends noted that the lump of flesh on my neck was getting bigger. I also started to have difficulty speaking – my voice gradually became faint and I had the disturbing sensation of having an obstruction in my throat.
I then went to see an EENT doctor and was scared to death when, after careful examination, he found a huge tumor in my larynx. It was so big that it started to obstruct my throat, resulting in the deterioration of my voice.
This doctor was very frank about his strong suspicion that it was cancer of the larynx – in its malignant stage. The doctor nevertheless recommended a laryngoscope operation to get samples from my neck to confirm his hypothesis.
On the day of my operation at Cardinal Santos, I woke up early. My wife was preparing coffee for me when we heard Christmas carols being sung from the nearby hospital chapel. She said, "Simbang gabi na pala (It’s already Dawn Mass)," and started to cry. To her eyes, my condition looked severe and the thought of the bleak Christmas facing us made me cry. I had the operation on the afternoon of that same day.
Although I was still hoping that the previous biopsy was right, the new results did not surprise me. I felt that my whole body was very sick, and just waited for confirmation. On Dec. 22, 1997, I was told I had Stage Four cancer in my larynx.
I was very unhappy and disgusted at the way the doctor told me the results. He appeared to be very dispassionate and cruel when he told me of the seriousness and hopelessness of my case. He recommended immediate surgery on my neck but, to give me the benefit of the doubt, asked me to get a second opinion.
I was in tears when I left his clinic. As I sat in my parked car I cried and started to think of my family. Three of my four children were still in school. Who would support them? How would they survive? I was the sole breadwinner in the family. My only consolation was that my eldest daughter who had just graduated from college had landed a job at Philippine Airlines. The thought of inevitable death scared me, particularly the thought of what was beyond life for those who were not prepared.
I was born a Catholic but felt I did not live a life that was pleasing to God. I had a good education courtesy of my parents and was blessed with good jobs during my early years but squandered them all because I was full of vice and lived in disobedience to my parents. As I pondered these thoughts, I looked back and saw the sinful ways I had lived my life; the wrongdoings and obligations I failed to meet. My children were already grown, but even after 24 years of living with my wife under civil marriage, I never thought of getting the sacrament of matrimony.
With these thoughts running through my head, I cried and said, "Lord, I am not yet ready to die! Have mercy on me." Then, in tears, I prayed to God – to forgive my sins, to give me peace and comfort, and then asked for and sought His guidance during that difficult time.
The doctor who gave me a second opinion told me that he was against an operation, due to the delicate condition and sensitive location of my tumor. He instead recommended oral chemotherapy and prescribed chemo drugs in tablet form which I bought from his clinic.
As I looked at the chemo tablets prescribed to me, I felt insecure and worried about taking the treatment, knowing the gravity of my case. I felt that a drug that looked like ordinary aspirin tablets would not and could not in any way cure cancer at stage 4.
On my way home, I dropped by the house of my sister (who is a doctor) in Makati to get her advice on the second opinion and prescribed treatment. She was silent and seemed unconcerned, by the look in her eyes I could tell she thought my case was hopeless. She simply told me to pray hard and ask for God’s help and mercy.
I was troubled and confused when I left her house. Before I left, she also gave me a prayer card — for Saint Therese of the Child Jesus, the patroness of Mount Carmel. She told me that the prayer card was mailed to her by her friend, a nun at Saint Carmel’s Convent in Lipa City. I did not know if it was mere coincidence to receive two prayer cards from one holy institution – the Mount Carmel Church of Lipa, Batangas – devotion for Our Lady of Lipa Mediatrix of All Grace and for its patroness, Saint Therese of the Child Jesus. I saw a sign of hope that God was helping me during that very turbulent time.
The second opinion I got led to greater confusion and dissatisfaction on my part that made me consult another specialist.
For days I went with my wife to Clinica Manila to look for another doctor to whom I could refer my case. Because of the long holiday, there were very few doctors available. Luckily, we chanced upon Dr. Kelly Salvador, an oncologist. After showing him all the medical findings in my case and relating previous recommendations, he was disgusted with the treatment recommended to me by previous doctors given the seriousness of my condition.
Dr. Salvador was very sympathetic. He cautioned that even if I survived the surgery – and he was quite sure I would – I could lose my voice forever. This revelation shocked and dismayed me because the previous doctor who had recommended surgery never told me about such a consequence. Dr. Salvador also refuted the second medical opinion and said that oral chemo drugs are no match for stage 4 cancer. Instead, Dr. Kelly recommended chemotherapy to be administered right after the holidays.
This painstaking process of finding the best medical opinion led me to conclude that the type of treatment recommended by some doctors might not always be based on what is good for the patient but on what resources they have at hand and what is more profitable for them.
Nevertheless, I was convinced by the advice of Dr. Salvador, who scheduled me for chemotherapy starting Jan. 2, 1998.
On Dec. 28, 1997, I went there with my family to hear mass. It was our first time to see the church where the miracle of roses falling from heaven took place many years ago. My wife and children could not help but cry during the mass and I knew that they were all praying hard for me. During the Mass, I noticed something strange – a sudden breeze blew three times, carrying with it the strong and unmistakable scent of roses. The strongest scent came during the singing of the Lord’s Prayer, the Ama Namin. Not knowing that many people in the past had also had this strange experience, and not sure of what the scent really was, I kept what I witnessed to myself.
Days later, I was admitted to the Metropolitan Hospital for my first session of chemotherapy. It was a very painful treatment wherein the chemo drug is fed intravenously. I was to receive this treatment, prescribed by Dr. Salvador, in four sessions every 21 days. It was a horrible experience that I now choose not to recall.
A relative advised me to read the Bible, and it was my companion, at my bedside in the hospital and throughout my treatment. I discovered this very beautiful book at that time of helplessness. I learned from It that God is full of love, compassionate and merciful.
Suddenly, I felt a strong and ardent longing for God – to know Him and read and ponder His Words. The Bible was a revelation to me of God’s goodness, and His great love for His people.
The chemo treatments went on. During my second session, I felt that my body had weakened a lot. The thick mass on my neck was still there – unchanged in size and as hard as ever.
I was not doing any better and the color and look of my face suggested that I was a dead man walking. The fear of death came into my mind. I was so scared, confused and helpless.
I realized that I had to prepare myself for the consequence of death while there was still time. I started to make amends for my sins, for the things I did and failed to do that were not pleasing to God. In remuneration for my failure to get married, I asked a friend to arrange for our church wedding and we received the sacrament of the holy matrimony on March 21, 1998.
One time during a conversation with my eldest daughter, she told me that her boss at PAL, Rose, knowing about my sickness, had asked about my condition.
She told her that I was undergoing treatment and mentioned our trip to Lipa to hear Mass at Mt. Carmel’s Church. Unexpectedly, Rose asked if she had experienced the scent of roses in the church, which according to her is experienced by some churchgoers. My daughter’s answer surprised me. She told Rose that she smelled roses three times, at the same time I smelled it during the Mass.
This strange experience, combined with the receipt of the prayer cards, were signs that strengthened my belief that the blessed Virgin Mary was inteceding for and helping me in this difficult time.
But I never lost hope. I started to pray even harder and embraced the Bible. I often savored and meditated on God’s Words.
It was at this stage of helplessness that I felt there was no one who could help me. Then, the Word of God, as told in the Book of Sirach, struck me: "I turned every way but there was no one to help me. I looked for one to sustain me, but could find no one. But then I remembered the mercies of the Lord, His kindness through ages past; For He saves those who take refuge in Him, and rescues them from every evil. So I raised my voice from the very earth, from the gates of the nether world, my cry. I called out: Oh Lord, You are my father, you are my champion and my savior; Do not abandon me in time of trouble, in the midst of storms and dangers." SIR 51:7-10
I was consoled by the thought that I had turned back to God and atoned for my sins. But I was also perplexed: Was this recollection of my wrongdoings, which I did in haste, enough to make me pleasing to God?
Despite my condition, I regularly went to church. One fateful Sunday, I heard mass at our village chapel, Saint Michael’s. This was not the regular Mass I usually attended. If not for a Marriage Encounter reunion in Malolos, Bulacan, that we had to attend that day, I would not have gone to that 6:30 a.m. service. And because of my deteriorating condition, my prayer during the Mass was to be given a chance to serve God before I died or before His Will happened to me.
Just before the final blessing, I was surprised by an announcement. The priest expressed disappointment over the fact that the parish received only one applicant from our chapel for the Lector Ministry Seminar conducted every two years. I knew then that it was the answer to my prayer and immediately after the Mass I approached the priest and told him of my desire to join the Lector Ministry. I successfully finished the seminar and in December 1998, received my first assignment – to proclaim The Word.
I felt a sense of fulfillment doing my assignment. I believe it was during my participation in this church service that I received the healing graces of God. The thick, hard mass on my neck receded and disappeared and my voice returned to normal.
I can even swear that the voice I have now is better then the voice that I had before I got sick. The climax of this testimony of God’s mercy and healing power came to an end when my doctor found no trace of my tumor in the larynx after Holy Week of 1998. I thank and praise the Lord for his wondrous deeds. I bless the name of the Lord!
The road to our conversion is a long and difficult journey, but God’s unconditional love gives us a chance to find a way. "I do not want the sinners to die," says the Lord," but to turn to me and live." Now is the time to start our journey to conversion.
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