No smiling, please

In George Bush’s America, it’s come to this: No more smiling for passport and visa photos.

That’s the latest word from the State Department, which notes that smiles tend to "distort" people’s natural facial expressions. (As if passport photo technology doesn’t distort people’s faces into unrecognizable shapes all by itself.)

Under new guidelines begun since the US implemented machine-readable passports last year, "The subject’s expression should be neutral (non-smiling) with both eyes open, and mouth closed."

Since the machines scan for internationally identifiable facial characteristics, or "biometrics," a recent wire story reports that some people’s passports are being turned down if their smiles are too expressive. Smiling "distorts other facial features, for example the eyes," says one State Department official.

Close-mouthed smiles, the State Department goes on to say, are acceptable, though not encouraged. Big, cheesy grins are definitely out. This makes a lot of sense for foreigners and visitors to the US who don’t exactly feel welcome these days: A serious or sheepish expression – something that conveys "I know you’re just letting me in for a visit, don’t worry, I won’t steal anything or try to stay too long" – is preferable to a wide-eyed "Hey, I just won the lottery!" look.

But if we’ve learned anything since 9/11, it is this: Terrorists are not big-time smilers. We’ve all seen their faces in Newsweek and Time: Glowering and angry, they’re the very picture of ticking time bombs. Not a toothy grin in sight.

Then again, what a cunning disguise! Yes, we can easily imagine situations wherein would-be terrorists morph their faces into shapes that could give Jim Carrey in The Mask a run for his money. All in the name of fooling immigration officials into thinking they’re just naturally happy. A gaping, ear-to-ear rictus: Now, that won’t attract too much attention.

Actually, I’ve never known anyone who was foolish enough to smile broadly for a passport photo. It’s not like you’re posing in front of the Eiffel Tower or something. The occasion doesn’t really cry out for a smile. There’s a certain gravity about knowing your little Foto-Me head shot will grace your passport for seven years; one doesn’t want to seem excessively gleeful about it.

But there is a place on earth, of course, where you do expect most people to flash their toothiest smiles at the Immigration man: That’s right, the Philippines.

As noted time and again, the Philippines is a place that never met a camera it didn’t immediately fall in love with. Filipinos and photography are kind of like peanut butter and jelly: You can’t tear the two apart once they’ve stuck together. Everyone’s got that one relative here who, even by Philippine standards, goes overboard with the camera. They’re the ones who ask people to restage the cutting of the wedding cake because "the flash didn’t go off." They’re the ones who wear flak jackets to every social event, loaded with extra rolls of film.

In Filipino society, there’s no such thing as "candid camera": A built-in sixth sense informs Filipinos whenever a camera is near; they immediately start huddling and grouping, shoulder to shoulder, and – smiling.

This instinct to put one’s best face forward is useful in most situations. It explains why Filipinos are almost universally welcomed. Really, they’re pleasantly accepted everywhere they go, kind of like a Platinum Visa Card.

But this natural cheeriness doesn’t sit well with America under the Patriot Act. Good humor will only take you so far. Suppressing your natural instinct to be happy would serve Filipinos better in a post-9/11 world.

The idea of machine-readable passports, after all, is to present a face that has as many common "comparison points" as possible: Sort of like making everyone look exactly the same for the camera.

"The most neutral face is the most desirable standard for any type of identification," notes the State Department’s Bureau of Consular Affairs. "If you smile or blink your eyes or turn your head, there would be fewer comparison points. So when you go to the counter, you will look at the camera in neutral face to offer the best comparison to the matching points on the picture in the passport."

While this kind of uniformity seems like an ideal for some Americans, most Americans will recall that the country was built by and still consists of people with a wide variety of faces and backgrounds. Certainly, the State Department is just doing its job. Nobody said entering America is ever easy. But maybe, in some hopeful future, America won’t have to frown on those who smile for their passport photos. And maybe someday a cheesy grin will once again be taken at face value – as it is here.

But until then, straighten up and fly right. And stop smiling, damn it.