If your best friend’s spouse is fooling around, would you tell?
November 7, 2004 | 12:00am
It’s one of the worst tests to a friendship. You’re caught between the moral dilemma of being a true friend and being not just the bearer of bad news but possibly the cause of a marital rift that may never be repaired.
Sure, these days, to hear that somebody is having an affair is nothing new, but when your knowledge involves a dear friend’s spouse, it becomes a personal matter. Should you or shouldn’t you tell? Will your friendship survive if you decide to speak up? Will your friend still think of you as one if he or she finds out later that you knew but did not tell?
Just like one of our respondents for this week’s forum, if I were in my best friend’s shoes I would want to be told if my husband is fooling around so I can remedy the situation by first looking within myself and our marriage before it’s too late.
BOY ABUNDA, TV host, The Buzz and Kontrobersyal: If my best friend decides to look the other way, I will also pretend to see nothing but Jerry Yan’s billboard on EDSA. If my best friend cries a river, I will offer him my shoulder to cry on and a box of tissue paper. If my best friend decides to confront his spouse and lover, I will take care of the police or the ambulance. If my best friend decides to kill his lover, I will provide him with a knife. And if my best friend goes to jail, I’m sure he’ll find a new spouse.
JEANNIE GOULBOURN, fashion designer: If I saw a good friend’s spouse with a lover and there was no question about it, I definitely will not stand by and let it go. The situation merits sincere concern and I will address it immediately. If we were such close friends, I would: Invite the erring spouse to coffee, chat and figure out if I could lend an ear and help him/her figure out the situation – if ever that spouse admits to infidelity.
If I could not be of any help, I would solicit the help of a common friend who he or she might be comfortable enough to confide in and for that person to give advice accordingly. Finally, if both don’t work, a counselor would probably be best to help determine whether they should save the marriage or totally get out to pursue new lives.
FATHER RUBEN TANSECO, chairman, Center for Family Ministries: The most prudent and mature way of doing it is first to meet with the spouse who is fooling around without labeling him as the demon and the other spouse as the victim – that is too simplistic. In any case of infidelity, both husband and wife have contributed to its happening since infidelity is a manifestation of an existing problem. In my many years of counseling, there are only a few instances wherein the unfaithful person is addicted to sex. In many cases, it happens because of lack of intimacy and sexual interaction between the husband and wife.
Typically, after a few years of marriage, husband and wife focus on their duties as parents rather than their personal love relationship. We see the romantic relationship and friendship in start to dwindle. During counseling when we ask the spouse to list down their closest friends whom they can share their problems with and it’s usually their friends rather than their spouses. This is why I started the marriage encounter so they can experience the revival and renewal of their relationship with each other as lovers. Sometimes, all it takes is for them to have a dialogue but they just don’t know how. It’s a skill they have to learn.
KARA TOLENTINO, partner, Futura Extra Bold Design: I will ask the spouse very nicely to tell her. That’s the most I can do without sticking my nose in their business. Ultimately, it is not my place to tell her. If she ever found out, I’d be able to say that I did what I could.
TESSIE TOMAS, TV host, Bahay Mo Ba Ito?: It’s very tempting to tell my best friend about it. However, out of delicadeza, I will not. I will try to exercise detachment and pray that she finds out on her own. It’s a very personal problem that only she and her husband can solve. I can only help out if she asks for my advice on how to enhance her relationship with her husband. Sana he does not fool around na lang para walang problema.
RICKY TOLEDO, owner, Firma: You think I can wait? Of course I’ll tell her immediately! On second thought I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news so I’ll just maneuver events so that she will find out on her own. But not before getting her started on a beauty plan and shopping spree on her husbands account so that she’ll look so good and he’ll regret every second of his infidelity!
LIA ANDANAR YU, ANC news anchor: If I have firsthand knowledge or very reliable information that my best friend’s spouse is cheating on her, I would call her and ask if we could get together. We’d have to meet somewhere private, my place perhaps. I’ll gauge how she is emotionally and ask how she and her husband are. If I see that she is strong enough to take the bad news, I’ll explain that I know of something that will upset her but I would tell her anyway because I care about her. I would assure her that I’ll always be there for her. I would then tell her about her husband’s cheating.
KATRINA LEGARDA, lawyer: I will not do anything. If I tell my friend, she may be forced to do something about a relationship which was great until she was told otherwise. If she decides, on the other hand, to stay in the marriage, I will lose her friendship. She will not want the reminder of a well-meaning friend who was the bearer of bad news.
VICKY VELOSO BARRERA, author of Rustan’s Entertaining and Rustan’s Bridal Book: If I am certain that my best friend’s husband is fooling around, I would tell her, because if I were in her shoes I would also like to be told.
DJ MONTANO, restaurateur, writer: Best friends are supposed to watch out for each other. C’est vrai? I’ll verify the facts first and definitely tell my friend about the cheating spouse. I’m a believer in the old adage "good friends stay, lovers often come and go."
Sure, these days, to hear that somebody is having an affair is nothing new, but when your knowledge involves a dear friend’s spouse, it becomes a personal matter. Should you or shouldn’t you tell? Will your friendship survive if you decide to speak up? Will your friend still think of you as one if he or she finds out later that you knew but did not tell?
Just like one of our respondents for this week’s forum, if I were in my best friend’s shoes I would want to be told if my husband is fooling around so I can remedy the situation by first looking within myself and our marriage before it’s too late.
BOY ABUNDA, TV host, The Buzz and Kontrobersyal: If my best friend decides to look the other way, I will also pretend to see nothing but Jerry Yan’s billboard on EDSA. If my best friend cries a river, I will offer him my shoulder to cry on and a box of tissue paper. If my best friend decides to confront his spouse and lover, I will take care of the police or the ambulance. If my best friend decides to kill his lover, I will provide him with a knife. And if my best friend goes to jail, I’m sure he’ll find a new spouse.
JEANNIE GOULBOURN, fashion designer: If I saw a good friend’s spouse with a lover and there was no question about it, I definitely will not stand by and let it go. The situation merits sincere concern and I will address it immediately. If we were such close friends, I would: Invite the erring spouse to coffee, chat and figure out if I could lend an ear and help him/her figure out the situation – if ever that spouse admits to infidelity.
If I could not be of any help, I would solicit the help of a common friend who he or she might be comfortable enough to confide in and for that person to give advice accordingly. Finally, if both don’t work, a counselor would probably be best to help determine whether they should save the marriage or totally get out to pursue new lives.
FATHER RUBEN TANSECO, chairman, Center for Family Ministries: The most prudent and mature way of doing it is first to meet with the spouse who is fooling around without labeling him as the demon and the other spouse as the victim – that is too simplistic. In any case of infidelity, both husband and wife have contributed to its happening since infidelity is a manifestation of an existing problem. In my many years of counseling, there are only a few instances wherein the unfaithful person is addicted to sex. In many cases, it happens because of lack of intimacy and sexual interaction between the husband and wife.
Typically, after a few years of marriage, husband and wife focus on their duties as parents rather than their personal love relationship. We see the romantic relationship and friendship in start to dwindle. During counseling when we ask the spouse to list down their closest friends whom they can share their problems with and it’s usually their friends rather than their spouses. This is why I started the marriage encounter so they can experience the revival and renewal of their relationship with each other as lovers. Sometimes, all it takes is for them to have a dialogue but they just don’t know how. It’s a skill they have to learn.
KARA TOLENTINO, partner, Futura Extra Bold Design: I will ask the spouse very nicely to tell her. That’s the most I can do without sticking my nose in their business. Ultimately, it is not my place to tell her. If she ever found out, I’d be able to say that I did what I could.
TESSIE TOMAS, TV host, Bahay Mo Ba Ito?: It’s very tempting to tell my best friend about it. However, out of delicadeza, I will not. I will try to exercise detachment and pray that she finds out on her own. It’s a very personal problem that only she and her husband can solve. I can only help out if she asks for my advice on how to enhance her relationship with her husband. Sana he does not fool around na lang para walang problema.
RICKY TOLEDO, owner, Firma: You think I can wait? Of course I’ll tell her immediately! On second thought I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news so I’ll just maneuver events so that she will find out on her own. But not before getting her started on a beauty plan and shopping spree on her husbands account so that she’ll look so good and he’ll regret every second of his infidelity!
LIA ANDANAR YU, ANC news anchor: If I have firsthand knowledge or very reliable information that my best friend’s spouse is cheating on her, I would call her and ask if we could get together. We’d have to meet somewhere private, my place perhaps. I’ll gauge how she is emotionally and ask how she and her husband are. If I see that she is strong enough to take the bad news, I’ll explain that I know of something that will upset her but I would tell her anyway because I care about her. I would assure her that I’ll always be there for her. I would then tell her about her husband’s cheating.
KATRINA LEGARDA, lawyer: I will not do anything. If I tell my friend, she may be forced to do something about a relationship which was great until she was told otherwise. If she decides, on the other hand, to stay in the marriage, I will lose her friendship. She will not want the reminder of a well-meaning friend who was the bearer of bad news.
VICKY VELOSO BARRERA, author of Rustan’s Entertaining and Rustan’s Bridal Book: If I am certain that my best friend’s husband is fooling around, I would tell her, because if I were in her shoes I would also like to be told.
DJ MONTANO, restaurateur, writer: Best friends are supposed to watch out for each other. C’est vrai? I’ll verify the facts first and definitely tell my friend about the cheating spouse. I’m a believer in the old adage "good friends stay, lovers often come and go."
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