Bachelors & vachelors

On October 8, my friend Henry Lim and his partners will be opening a club called Government in the old Orange spot. Sigh of relief, for finally I can put on my dancing shoes again in this cabaret-dry metropolis, and a double sigh of relief because it’s a gay club! Yay! Music with words!

However, what makes this club interesting is that every Thursday it will be straight night for the linear folks. But I’m guessing that for the other days in the club, the boys will still be boppin’ their stuff. I’m trying not to use that horrid "M" word that’s been going around like a horrible Venga Boys track to describe the men who are hotter than hot these days. In the days of El Morocco, Sinatra would call these men "those who went soft."

These days however, they are as slick as chrome.

It’s some sort of a pre-req for me to make sure that any man of mine does not have that homophobic vibe going on. My gay friends make up the gin in the martini, while the straights – ever such a minority – are like a spray of vermouth. Anyone who gets queasy in his pants are sent off with a stiletto poke in their tushies.

Those macho men, so boring with their cars and chinos, suddenly find themselves knocking drinks in some obscure piano bar racking up major debts with their charge-a-minute convos with dames who are more into commerce than knowing their childhood. The happening guys are right there, in their pinstripes, knocking back the booze du jour listening to Gloria Gaynor while talking to all the right chicks.

We’ve seen it before – Cary Grant partnering with a Montgomery Cliff to score a Taylor. It was a sad practice exercised by cunning Neanderthals to score angels. Fast forward to today. Well, maybe our modern-day charmers may still have a few tricks up in their sleeves. However, we see these ruler-straight misters playing dodgeball with their va wing men and you know its not just about the women.

Yes, these unions do spark controversy. So is he or isn’t he? These days, it’s harder to tell thanks to Paul Smith and Hedi Slimane. It’s so much fun to see or wonder who has gone "soft." Despite revolutions of the social kind crawling around like viruses in universities and Oprah, the rumors prove to be a residue from the El Morocco School of Philosophy. Another version of chatter may be that the va side of the duo is hoping that the straight guy will let his curls down. That is ultimately kwentong parlorista. However, if you just step away and take your mind off the sexual speculation you’ll see that this is beyond scoring chicks.

First of all, these unions comprise usually of alpha vas and alpha males. Fagstags usually want to have nothing to do with men because of competition. Their va counterparts think likewise. They believe in the law of the few.

They don’t believe in showdowns. They don’t believe in friendly competition.

They are hunters like lions and not like wolves. Fagstags also get bored with the usual male locker room sorties. All that carb-filled beer, synthesized music and cheap porn, it can totally be an assault to the senses. Vachelors usually have also just had it with the male model tug of war with their so-called best friends. Catty vas can be fun to watch, but not to deal with. They want a real wing man who won’t break into a song and dance number in an effort to upstage them.

Maybe it has a lot to do with jungle behavior. However, you just have to note that there are just really a certain species out there who are just so sick and tired of T&A. Real men do them, not talk about them. "It’s just a release to talk about art without being called a wuss," my fagstag friend shares. "You just want to talk about culture, movies, books – not really wanting to impress or get laid."

When it comes to sartorial affairs, vas are the best, it’s like they have a Mati (guards against the evil eye) against die threads and shoes. This is perhaps where the chinwag begins. Suddenly they are so happening they must have switched teams! If one were so insecure about their sexuality, they would jettison their flat fronts and designer sneakers and hide under a cocoon of cotton-blend plaids. Shudders.

Aside from that they also give the best chicken soup for the soul. "Let’s face it, gay men give advice to men with more sensitivity to the matter and yet understand the male psyche," says a card carrying va wing man. "You simply can’t lose. All the right men know this."

The law of Harry and Sally is also a reason why men and vas find a stable alliance with one another. Although it’s not wise to generalize, men and women find that their relationships can get complicated by the nookie factor. Sex does get in the way. It takes a strong man and woman to tide that over.

"Although you know that at the end you’ll just be friends with this girl, you cant help but think how she is in the sack," a linear shares. "And that makes things complicated. Just thinking of her naked makes things weird." However, this doesn’t mean that linears can’t run parallel with each other without a hitch. "It still can happen. You have coffee and watch movies, be buddies and not knock boots ever. But don’t tell me that no matter how platonic and lustless a friendship is, you’ve never imagine a girl friend naked." He yammers on, "The thought of someone naked is like a trophy in your secret perverted life. That puts caution in what you do in real life. You don’t want to screw things up but it keeps you from also being too relaxed."

No one is saying that this sort of combo between the stallion and the alpha va is fool-proof, what I’m simply trying to say is that despite the bulging eyes and tentative chatter of onlookers, we are witnessing the evolution of the classic Pinoy male, who was once thought of as dated as a Delorean or shoulder pads.

So children, open your eyes and embrace the Comptoir Sud Pacifique-scented Adonis. Or you’ll be stuck in Drakkar purgatory in some piano bar drinking cheap scotch. Shudder the thought.