The truth about why some couples break up
March 7, 2004 | 12:00am
Avery wise man once told me that women are most sensitive on two occasions – their birthday and Valentine’s Day.
These are the "My Day" days when a woman subconsciously expects the universe and everything in it to connive and at the very least, come up with one bit of a pleasant surprise. Well, okay the universe part may be a little over the top but you get what I mean. No matter how nonchalant she may seem when those days roll by, deep inside her all her emotions are at their softest, most vulnerable – fully receptive to all the small but wonderful things she, albeit shyly, hopes will come her way. She most likely will expect her man to put his best foot forward for her, the same way she most probably would if it had been his birthday. She will expect a treat from him (and I don’t mean this in a material sense). Chances are (with a batting average of eight out of 10), she will value an emotional treat more than she ever will its material counterpart. Oh and did I already mention that it is a mortal offense if he forgets her birthday? Go ahead, ask your female friends. Maybe seven out of 10 will admit to that, the other three who don’t are lying.
As for Valentine’s Day, well, it is the sole nominee of both the I-Will-Make You-Fall-In-Love-Today and I-Will-Crush-Your Heart-Today Award/s. It stands out as that one day of the year when the air is so thick with romance you can almost touch it. Sadly for lonely/broken/weeping hearts, this day can make them aware of the pain of a lost love more than any other day can. It would be like rubbing salt on injury, pain felt to the nth degree. For the woman with a man in her life, she will look forward to some form of Valentine bravado from him – any moment shared that is a notch above the usual. It need not be extravagant, just something she can smile about it to convince her that hey, it really is Valentine’s Day.
I’m pretty sure you did not hear about that high-profile, celebrated couple who broke up.
Permanently over the simple fact that during a Valentine concert many moons ago, he forgot to hold her hand? Perhaps it was the catalyst in a string of more serious arguments but we cannot discount the reality that that negligence on his part was, in fact, the straw that broke the camel’s back. On hindsight, he says it was purely unintentional – he was simply too absorbed in the wonderful concert performances. But she says that holding her hand surely wouldn’t have made him enjoy the concert less. What gives? She says she probably would have let it pass if it weren’t Valentine’s Day.
Another popular couple broke up on that one Valentine’s Day they spent in New York because upon crossing the street, he walked way ahead of her in a rush to beat the traffic light, leaving her by her lonesome. Were they the only couple on the street? She says they were the only couple that didn’t wait for each other – they were in New York and you know, together we stand, together we cross. Whew...
If only he were sweeter... If only he would surprise me with a quiet dinner… I would be happy with even just one rose stolen from our garden…Heck, I would jump for joy with even a drawing of a flower on paper napkin…After all, it’s my birthday…After all, it’s Valentine’s Day… How often have we heard that from women around us? More importantly, how often have these thoughts run through our minds?
There is this quest for a sign, a sign that he cares, a sign that she matters enough for him to go the extra mile. And the pressure to see that sign manifest itself on those two special occasions grows higher the more elusive it becomes. Ironically, the very thing that the woman thinks will make the relationship stronger is the very same thing that could make the love they share falter.
I know I will always be a romantic at heart. I also know I am but a greenhorn on the marriage front (Richard and I will be celebrating our sixth anniversary in about two months). Over this time though, I have realized that my concept of "special occasions" always having to go hand in hand with melt-my-heart orchestrations on his part have faded through time leaving in its stead, a deeper, more grateful appreciation for the way he shows me his love everyday. That is almost the exact same thing the wife of that wise man I was telling you about earlier told me. And I think there lies the key to staying in love – with him and with love.
It is a lot about going beyond always expecting grand orchestrations on special occasions.
Yes, I know Richard can still make me swoon in a heartbeat. He likewise always surprises me when I least expect him to, the way he did last Valentine’s Day when I thought he was going to be at work the whole day. But even with the possibility at that time of not being able to celebrate that particular day with him, I was fine. It did not make me feel, in any way, less loved. But when an impromptu date did happen for us that night, I was thrilled. It thrilled me even more when I found out he had secretly planned to cook me dinner and serve it in our balcony – he just wasn’t able to come home early enough. For me, the intent felt just as good as the real thing.
Real love is not about the big things. But it is a lot about the small, humdrum ones you see face to face everyday. It is not about yearning for the mysterious otherness, hoping for what is not there. Loving your partner goes hand in hand with not whining about what you don’t have and being grateful instead for what you do have. Focus on who he is, not on what he doesn’t or wasn’t able to do.
Your partner may not fit into your boxed-up idea of romance but what matters is that as women, we recognize love from our men a mile away, in whatever shape or form it comes. Yes, love can take the form of flowers, chocolates, and all those extravagant gifts. But it can also take the form of him picking up your clothes from the cleaners, him trying his best to whip up the teriyaki sauce you were craving for to go with your fish fillet, watching him attempt to braid your little one’s hair in an effort to help you get things finished, making sure you are warmed by a thick blanket as you sleep at night, taking you to watch the Tagalog movie he knows you have been looking forward to.
Come to think of it wouldn’t you rather have a man who shows his love for you in bits and pieces everyday throughout the year over one who orchestrates, on two occasions, a grand affair hoping that the afterglow of each will be enough to spill over the rest of the year?
Today, perhaps you can start being more aware of romance hiding behind ordinary words, ordinary instances. You will be surprised at how many times you can rediscover love in ways other than those you are accustomed to. He may not always do great things, but who is to say that he cannot do small things with great love?
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Yes, they can stay happy together.
With or without romance on their birthdays, or Valentine’s Day.
For those seeking for a fulfilling way to embrace the Lenten Season there will be an Introduction to Centering Prayer Retreat on March 19-21 from 12 noon, Friday, to 12 noon, Sunday, at Bl. J. Marello Retreat House, Tagaytay City.
For particulars, call 842-0201/843-8292/812-7251/843-8830.
These are the "My Day" days when a woman subconsciously expects the universe and everything in it to connive and at the very least, come up with one bit of a pleasant surprise. Well, okay the universe part may be a little over the top but you get what I mean. No matter how nonchalant she may seem when those days roll by, deep inside her all her emotions are at their softest, most vulnerable – fully receptive to all the small but wonderful things she, albeit shyly, hopes will come her way. She most likely will expect her man to put his best foot forward for her, the same way she most probably would if it had been his birthday. She will expect a treat from him (and I don’t mean this in a material sense). Chances are (with a batting average of eight out of 10), she will value an emotional treat more than she ever will its material counterpart. Oh and did I already mention that it is a mortal offense if he forgets her birthday? Go ahead, ask your female friends. Maybe seven out of 10 will admit to that, the other three who don’t are lying.
As for Valentine’s Day, well, it is the sole nominee of both the I-Will-Make You-Fall-In-Love-Today and I-Will-Crush-Your Heart-Today Award/s. It stands out as that one day of the year when the air is so thick with romance you can almost touch it. Sadly for lonely/broken/weeping hearts, this day can make them aware of the pain of a lost love more than any other day can. It would be like rubbing salt on injury, pain felt to the nth degree. For the woman with a man in her life, she will look forward to some form of Valentine bravado from him – any moment shared that is a notch above the usual. It need not be extravagant, just something she can smile about it to convince her that hey, it really is Valentine’s Day.
I’m pretty sure you did not hear about that high-profile, celebrated couple who broke up.
Permanently over the simple fact that during a Valentine concert many moons ago, he forgot to hold her hand? Perhaps it was the catalyst in a string of more serious arguments but we cannot discount the reality that that negligence on his part was, in fact, the straw that broke the camel’s back. On hindsight, he says it was purely unintentional – he was simply too absorbed in the wonderful concert performances. But she says that holding her hand surely wouldn’t have made him enjoy the concert less. What gives? She says she probably would have let it pass if it weren’t Valentine’s Day.
Another popular couple broke up on that one Valentine’s Day they spent in New York because upon crossing the street, he walked way ahead of her in a rush to beat the traffic light, leaving her by her lonesome. Were they the only couple on the street? She says they were the only couple that didn’t wait for each other – they were in New York and you know, together we stand, together we cross. Whew...
If only he were sweeter... If only he would surprise me with a quiet dinner… I would be happy with even just one rose stolen from our garden…Heck, I would jump for joy with even a drawing of a flower on paper napkin…After all, it’s my birthday…After all, it’s Valentine’s Day… How often have we heard that from women around us? More importantly, how often have these thoughts run through our minds?
There is this quest for a sign, a sign that he cares, a sign that she matters enough for him to go the extra mile. And the pressure to see that sign manifest itself on those two special occasions grows higher the more elusive it becomes. Ironically, the very thing that the woman thinks will make the relationship stronger is the very same thing that could make the love they share falter.
I know I will always be a romantic at heart. I also know I am but a greenhorn on the marriage front (Richard and I will be celebrating our sixth anniversary in about two months). Over this time though, I have realized that my concept of "special occasions" always having to go hand in hand with melt-my-heart orchestrations on his part have faded through time leaving in its stead, a deeper, more grateful appreciation for the way he shows me his love everyday. That is almost the exact same thing the wife of that wise man I was telling you about earlier told me. And I think there lies the key to staying in love – with him and with love.
It is a lot about going beyond always expecting grand orchestrations on special occasions.
Yes, I know Richard can still make me swoon in a heartbeat. He likewise always surprises me when I least expect him to, the way he did last Valentine’s Day when I thought he was going to be at work the whole day. But even with the possibility at that time of not being able to celebrate that particular day with him, I was fine. It did not make me feel, in any way, less loved. But when an impromptu date did happen for us that night, I was thrilled. It thrilled me even more when I found out he had secretly planned to cook me dinner and serve it in our balcony – he just wasn’t able to come home early enough. For me, the intent felt just as good as the real thing.
Real love is not about the big things. But it is a lot about the small, humdrum ones you see face to face everyday. It is not about yearning for the mysterious otherness, hoping for what is not there. Loving your partner goes hand in hand with not whining about what you don’t have and being grateful instead for what you do have. Focus on who he is, not on what he doesn’t or wasn’t able to do.
Your partner may not fit into your boxed-up idea of romance but what matters is that as women, we recognize love from our men a mile away, in whatever shape or form it comes. Yes, love can take the form of flowers, chocolates, and all those extravagant gifts. But it can also take the form of him picking up your clothes from the cleaners, him trying his best to whip up the teriyaki sauce you were craving for to go with your fish fillet, watching him attempt to braid your little one’s hair in an effort to help you get things finished, making sure you are warmed by a thick blanket as you sleep at night, taking you to watch the Tagalog movie he knows you have been looking forward to.
Come to think of it wouldn’t you rather have a man who shows his love for you in bits and pieces everyday throughout the year over one who orchestrates, on two occasions, a grand affair hoping that the afterglow of each will be enough to spill over the rest of the year?
Today, perhaps you can start being more aware of romance hiding behind ordinary words, ordinary instances. You will be surprised at how many times you can rediscover love in ways other than those you are accustomed to. He may not always do great things, but who is to say that he cannot do small things with great love?
Boy meets girl. They fall in love. Yes, they can stay happy together.
With or without romance on their birthdays, or Valentine’s Day.
For particulars, call 842-0201/843-8292/812-7251/843-8830.
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