And now a word of advice
December 7, 2003 | 12:00am
There are so many troubled people out there, at least this is what my daughters (China and Mai-Mai) and I have discovered through the advice column Sisters Act Mom Reacts that we have been writing for Youngstar for many years now.
Writing an advice column is a challenge for us because we have to give adequate answers for the inquiries we receive. Challenging because the answers we give must satisfy the troubled person. But there are times when questions asked last month come up again three weeks later. Nevertheless based on the seemingly urgent appeals for immediate answers from us, we grasp at the urgency of the moment to help assuage misgivings.
That would have been the answer to the first question China and I would have given if we were able to attended the open forum at the Assumption Convent for high school students recently. We were out of town last October and apologize about our failure to meet the 20 young girls.
But through this column we have tried to answer the questions of Jen, Mara, Liza and Vicky for your group’s satisfaction.
The second question you sent was: "Is your column something you do for fun or is it your way of helping people with queries that range from little boy problems to moral dilemmas?" We don’t answer our column for the fun of it or make fun of the questions we get. We open ourselves to the feelings of others and put ourselves in their beleaguered shoes. We picture the dilemma and circumstances of the writers who need help. We try to reassure them there is no problem so big that time, effort and patience cannot solve with resoluteness and prayers. With our answers we try to console.
We receive the problems we answer in our column through e-mail. Monday is our deadline for Sisters Act, Mom Reacts. We send our column through fax to the Lifestyle section of The Philippine STAR by 1 p.m.. We include the three problems we get and the answers we give. We comply with our deadline so that they have adequate time to layout our column for its publication on Friday.
The common questions we’ve been asked are: Should we remain together or call it quits? How will I tell my mother? Should I quit my job? Will I tell my friends?
In reply to your question: What significant learnings have you gained from this job? I’d say this: First, I have an insight to the various problems of today’s youth. Second, since we don’t want to make any mistakes in dispensing our advice, my uncle Dr. Theodore Abas, a psychiatrist, is such a tremendous help. He opens my mind to understanding the person who is writing to us. I consult with him for additional insights on questions that deal with the kids’ psychological problems.
I don’t know what misconceptions people have about advice columns but whenever I read them I smile because some of them can be amusing. Given time, I read other advice columns because they may offer a solution to my questions too. Sometimes I am tempted to inject humor into the advice I give but it might hurt the feelings of our letter writers so I go serious.
Another question you asked was about students answering advice columns. I believe before a student can answer an advice column she must remember not to be overly bias against or for anybody. She should suggest a sober solution rather than begin a war. So she must take a prudent path. A student at her young age must listen to the voice of her parents in guiding others. She should never incite rebellion against the elderly.
Here’s a sample of two sets of letters which Mai-Mai, China and I received with the answers we gave to these problems.
Dear Tingting, Mai-Mai and China,
I’m 18 years old and up to now, my parents haven’t allowed me to have a boyfriend and are in denial when we talk about girls having suitors. I have been doing well in school and I religiously do my family obligations but I also want to have clean teenage fun. What should I do?
Teenager
Dear Teenager,
I think you should introduce the group of friends you go around with to your parents. Your parents might just be apprehensive about the qualities of the boys you meet at your age. Your parents are probably just waiting for you to graduate before they grant you more liberties.
China
There’s so much teenage fun you can have without a serious commitment with any boy. Being 18 and not having a boyfriend is not at all bad. Actually, you should cherish this freedom considering you have your whole life ahead of you. Why hurry to be tied down to one? When you have a boyfriend, there are activities you may not be able to attend. Until your parents have accepted the reality that you are indeed growing up, enjoy your singleness and do things that a young, responsible and free girl would love to do.
Mai-Mai
I know many parents who can’t accept that their little girl has come of age, so I understand where they are coming from. Accepting that you have suitors is threatening because it means that your time and your love will be divided between them and him. Especially if you’re the eldest, it is understandably difficult for parents to entrust their child to a stranger. I am sure that your parents are thinking that no guy is good enough for their daughter. And, knowing that the heart always rules the head, they probably don’t feel you already have the wisdom to make the right choice. Don’t hold it against your parents. They just don’t want you to get hurt.
Tingting
Dear Tingting, Mai-Mai and China,
I have been working in this company for the past year. I have made friends with my co-workers and the workload is reasonable. My problem, however, is the owner of the company who is my boss. He’s generally a nice guy, fair and decent to his workers. However, when he’s in a bad mood, his words can really kill and you just feel like dying from embarrassment if you’re the object of his ire. What should I do?
Scared
Dear Scared,
They say you must get a job that you really like so that you won’t have to work a single day. If you’re not happy in this job, then I suggest you resign. You said your boss is the owner of the company, so he has the prerogative to run the company the way he likes. His management style is questionable all right, but it’s his company. They say that if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
China
The operational words in your letter are owner and boss. These two words can only lead to one advice. If you can’t stand him, quit. I don’t think you can be too bold to ask him to change his ways. You don’t have the right nor the moral ascendancy to do that. And that isn’t your place to do. Therefore, depending on how much you need the money, decide on whether you can or can’t work with him.
Mai-Mai
If there is one thing that I have learned, it is to take the good with the bad. This means that I take note of all the good things and compare them with all the bad things before I make a decision. In your case, I suggest you list down why you want to stay in the company and list down why you want to leave. If the good outweighs the bad, then I guess you should stay. However, even if you only have one bad and that bad gives you sleepless nights, then I think you should really just resign. Be discerning.
Tingting
I hope that this column is read by Sister Estela Marie Raceles and Sister Maria Josephine Matias, Jen, Mara, Liza, Vicky, Ann, and the rest if your class. It’s for you girls. I am sorry that we missed meeting each other.
Writing an advice column is a challenge for us because we have to give adequate answers for the inquiries we receive. Challenging because the answers we give must satisfy the troubled person. But there are times when questions asked last month come up again three weeks later. Nevertheless based on the seemingly urgent appeals for immediate answers from us, we grasp at the urgency of the moment to help assuage misgivings.
That would have been the answer to the first question China and I would have given if we were able to attended the open forum at the Assumption Convent for high school students recently. We were out of town last October and apologize about our failure to meet the 20 young girls.
But through this column we have tried to answer the questions of Jen, Mara, Liza and Vicky for your group’s satisfaction.
The second question you sent was: "Is your column something you do for fun or is it your way of helping people with queries that range from little boy problems to moral dilemmas?" We don’t answer our column for the fun of it or make fun of the questions we get. We open ourselves to the feelings of others and put ourselves in their beleaguered shoes. We picture the dilemma and circumstances of the writers who need help. We try to reassure them there is no problem so big that time, effort and patience cannot solve with resoluteness and prayers. With our answers we try to console.
We receive the problems we answer in our column through e-mail. Monday is our deadline for Sisters Act, Mom Reacts. We send our column through fax to the Lifestyle section of The Philippine STAR by 1 p.m.. We include the three problems we get and the answers we give. We comply with our deadline so that they have adequate time to layout our column for its publication on Friday.
The common questions we’ve been asked are: Should we remain together or call it quits? How will I tell my mother? Should I quit my job? Will I tell my friends?
In reply to your question: What significant learnings have you gained from this job? I’d say this: First, I have an insight to the various problems of today’s youth. Second, since we don’t want to make any mistakes in dispensing our advice, my uncle Dr. Theodore Abas, a psychiatrist, is such a tremendous help. He opens my mind to understanding the person who is writing to us. I consult with him for additional insights on questions that deal with the kids’ psychological problems.
I don’t know what misconceptions people have about advice columns but whenever I read them I smile because some of them can be amusing. Given time, I read other advice columns because they may offer a solution to my questions too. Sometimes I am tempted to inject humor into the advice I give but it might hurt the feelings of our letter writers so I go serious.
Another question you asked was about students answering advice columns. I believe before a student can answer an advice column she must remember not to be overly bias against or for anybody. She should suggest a sober solution rather than begin a war. So she must take a prudent path. A student at her young age must listen to the voice of her parents in guiding others. She should never incite rebellion against the elderly.
Here’s a sample of two sets of letters which Mai-Mai, China and I received with the answers we gave to these problems.
Dear Tingting, Mai-Mai and China,
I’m 18 years old and up to now, my parents haven’t allowed me to have a boyfriend and are in denial when we talk about girls having suitors. I have been doing well in school and I religiously do my family obligations but I also want to have clean teenage fun. What should I do?
Teenager
Dear Teenager,
I think you should introduce the group of friends you go around with to your parents. Your parents might just be apprehensive about the qualities of the boys you meet at your age. Your parents are probably just waiting for you to graduate before they grant you more liberties.
China
There’s so much teenage fun you can have without a serious commitment with any boy. Being 18 and not having a boyfriend is not at all bad. Actually, you should cherish this freedom considering you have your whole life ahead of you. Why hurry to be tied down to one? When you have a boyfriend, there are activities you may not be able to attend. Until your parents have accepted the reality that you are indeed growing up, enjoy your singleness and do things that a young, responsible and free girl would love to do.
Mai-Mai
I know many parents who can’t accept that their little girl has come of age, so I understand where they are coming from. Accepting that you have suitors is threatening because it means that your time and your love will be divided between them and him. Especially if you’re the eldest, it is understandably difficult for parents to entrust their child to a stranger. I am sure that your parents are thinking that no guy is good enough for their daughter. And, knowing that the heart always rules the head, they probably don’t feel you already have the wisdom to make the right choice. Don’t hold it against your parents. They just don’t want you to get hurt.
Tingting
I have been working in this company for the past year. I have made friends with my co-workers and the workload is reasonable. My problem, however, is the owner of the company who is my boss. He’s generally a nice guy, fair and decent to his workers. However, when he’s in a bad mood, his words can really kill and you just feel like dying from embarrassment if you’re the object of his ire. What should I do?
Scared
Dear Scared,
They say you must get a job that you really like so that you won’t have to work a single day. If you’re not happy in this job, then I suggest you resign. You said your boss is the owner of the company, so he has the prerogative to run the company the way he likes. His management style is questionable all right, but it’s his company. They say that if you can’t stand the heat, get out of the kitchen.
China
The operational words in your letter are owner and boss. These two words can only lead to one advice. If you can’t stand him, quit. I don’t think you can be too bold to ask him to change his ways. You don’t have the right nor the moral ascendancy to do that. And that isn’t your place to do. Therefore, depending on how much you need the money, decide on whether you can or can’t work with him.
Mai-Mai
If there is one thing that I have learned, it is to take the good with the bad. This means that I take note of all the good things and compare them with all the bad things before I make a decision. In your case, I suggest you list down why you want to stay in the company and list down why you want to leave. If the good outweighs the bad, then I guess you should stay. However, even if you only have one bad and that bad gives you sleepless nights, then I think you should really just resign. Be discerning.
Tingting
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