Planet of the SUVs

There’s a new target in the USA It’s a focus group that is being threatened, profiled, attacked and maligned on a regular basis.

No, it’s not foreign terrorists still holding American student visas. No, it’s not anthrax mailers or highway snipers.

It’s SUV owners.

In case you haven’t heard, sports utility vehicles are causing a big stir in America. Consumer groups and environmentalists hate ’em. Editorials are written, bashing them. Angry citizens are splashing red paint on the hoods of SUVs, claiming they’re gas guzzlers that promote war with Iraq and help fund terrorism.

Of all the possible scapegoats to focus on in America, why pick on SUVs? Why now?

Well, a look around Metro Manila streets will give you some idea. Plenty of SUVs out there. It’s a status symbol as well as a weapon for offensive driving. Most come equipped with a blaring siren (though this is not part of the standard factory model), the better to fool other motorists into thinking the driver is a Very Important Person. For the real extreme cases, Ford even sells the HUM2, a kind of suburban version of the military HUM-VEE, which is advertised as the family vehicle to own [when you absolutely, positively need to hog the entire road at 10 miles per hour."

Because, let’s face it, SUV owners buy SUVs primarily for the feeling of commandeering a big bruising vehicle that straddles the road and intimidates other drivers. (It sure ain’t for the gas mileage.)

Manila’s SUV owners are just fine with that, by the way.

But in America, some people’s sense of civic responsibility gets inflamed whenever they see a Chevy Suburban or a Ford Expedition tooling down Main Street. They figure the owners are arrogant, wasteful, concerned only with their own corner of the world. In other words, SUVs tend to make you look American.

And this image does not sit well with some people’s sense of liberal guilt.

But SUV owners are equally impassioned about their SUVs. They say the family-size urban assault vehicles make them feel "safer." In this age of road rage, terror attacks and biochemical threats, two tons of metal can provide a pretty comfy cocoon. Not to mention an expensive one.

It doesn’t matter that SUVs have an unfortunate tendency to roll over and turn turtle on sharp curves due to their high center of gravity. This is a psychological safety cocoon we’re talking about here.

SUV users are very firm about this. They like to believe that if, say, a Toyota Corolla broadsides them at an intersection, the Toyota would be toast and the SUV would be as intact as The Terminator.

Of course, this scenario doesn’t hold up too well if the other guy is driving a Toyota Land Cruiser.

Here in Manila, SUVs are in large part a status symbol – something sportier and pricier than the latest Nokia cell phone, perhaps. Until recently, most government agencies purchased them by the fleet, the better to lead lengthy caravans down EDSA or to create counterflows at busy intersections that rival Moses parting the Red Sea. Government VIP license plates have since been banned, but SUVs still command a disproportionate amount of road space.

Of course, big families are the other practical reason for all the SUVs out there. If the Catholic Church ever earned a commission on all the SUVs sold due to expanding families – well, they could buy a fleet of SUVs for all the archbishops of Manila.

The SUV is also a very visible symbol of the gap between haves and have-nots. While 15 commuters can be seen packing into a Tamaraw FX at P10 a fare, the "haves" can dispatch their driver on a solo mission to Goldilocks in the brand-new Mitsubishi Pajero. And feel little shame about it.

After all, what’s the point of having an overlarge, overexpensive SUV if you can’t put it to use?

SUVs are so ubiquitous in certain locations that other vehicles may seem alien, unwanted. The last time my wife and I visited Tagaytay Highlands, she did a double-take in the parking lot. Among the rows and rows of Isuzu Troopers, Pajeros, Explorers and Expeditions, she was momentarily taken aback upon seeing a Honda Civic. What was this lowly, unprotected vehicle doing in the Land of the SUVs?

Mostly, though, SUVs are a good way to bully other drivers. Their wide wheel base and rotund appearance force most drivers to keep a wide berth, lest they become instant road kill. Manila’s SUV owners have a maniacal tendency to floor the accelerator whenever possible, apparently believing there’s nothing standing in their way that canít be wiped from the windshield later. There is indeed an arrogance about this. But few SUV owners would ever see it that way. Here, offensive driving is the rule of the road. Defensive driving is for wussies.

No, unlike the US, where someone must always pay the price for conspicuous consumption, here the SUV is king. No one would ever think of prying these gas-guzzling, accident-prone penis substitutes out of the hands of Manila drivers. President Gloria Arroyo has made it a point to ban guns in public places, and the number of permits to carry firearms in public has been sharply reduced, something Filipinos can feel a little safer about. But who in their right mind is going to take away the Filipino’s freedom to barrel down EDSA behind two tons of screaming metal?

Nobody. At least as long as the gasoline keeps flowing.